Why am I so attracted to guys with "issues"?

Question

I'm talking about guys with a troubled past.I have this constant craving to save guys from their self-destructive selves.None of the guys I'm refering to are violent or take drugs.It seems everytime one of them deals with their past,I lose interest and move on to the next troubled guy.Heaps of "normal" guys are interested in me but they don't interest me.What's wrong with me?

Answer 1

It could be a lot of things.

(I'm just going to throw some out here for you, so if they don't apply, just brush them off...)

You probably have had some experiences in your past (maybe in your family) where you got used to "crisis" mode and found a comfortable role for yourself as as the "helper / fixit person."

Some people might say you could be punishing yourself by only dating messed-up guys and leaving once they're better -- you never get rewarded for your actions. (Thus, it's like a self-esteem issue.)

Others might suggest you are insecure and only feel comfortable relating to guys who are worse off than you. Once they get better, you feel at a disadvantage and want to leave. This is more pride/insecurity than anything else.

More deeply, though -- based on my own experiences -- part of me wonders whether you know how to relate to others in any way other than "goal-oriented."

It's easy to relate to these guys as long as you can both work together towards this impersonal goal. You have a reason to interact, you have something to do together besides just be together.

But as soon as their problems are resolved, you're not quite sure how to relate to them or how to just enjoy being with them. Life becomes a little boring and less dramatic; and you also might feel anxious about "what to do" in the meanwhile.

I know I've experienced this. Most of my childhood was emotionally traumatic / spent in "crisis mode." Now moments of calm in my adulthood can't hold my interest. I also become very restless and am unsure how to respond to others when there's not some issue to explore or resolve. I end up feeling "most alive" or most absorbed when I am in the middle of a terrible dilemma or life drama to resolve / get through.

This is great for Yahoo Answers (where people have pressing questions and problems to solve), but not so hot for establishing a happy, normal life and building relationships and just being with people and enjoying the time.

It's so much easier for me to relate to others simply by how I apply my experience/knowledge and relate to them through solving their problem together.

I don't know what your situation and/or past is. If you experienced to some intense emotions in your past, and crisis situations, you've probably become numb to average emotional experiences, and it'll be hard for you to be emotionally stimulated by "normal" guys.

Attraction's a funny thing. You want to find someone who is interesting and stimulating, someone you enjoy being with, someone who does not bore you. But sometimes it takes us awhile to grow to love someone.

Sometimes you can "build" love by choosing to commit to a person and making their life interesting to you. It might not happen naturally for you, at this stage of life, due to your past experiences (depending on what they were), but you just need to give it some time and see if the feelings can develop over time.

Also, maybe you can establish a relationship that is stable and find other ways to stimulate yourself -- helping here in Yahoo, or finding troubled people to help at local counseling centers or church, or something else. This might help your craving to be stimulated by another's situation, without inhibiting your own life.

Hope this helps somehow... Hang in there.

Answer 2

You are probably not going to like this answer, but your insecurity is what draws you to these guys. You need to really look into yourself to ask why you are in such a destructive behavior pattern. Once you realize that you may find that you really want the life and dreams of a "normal" relationship.
It is very risky to be involved with guys like the ones you think you are saving,. With everyone of them you lose something of yourself.

Answer 3

Because you strive to understand what can not be. You obviously are very smart. Nothing is wrong with you. You just need to realize that some "normal guys" are just former "troubled guys" who got it all together and these guys are the ones that you would really be interested in if you went deep enough with them.

Answer 4

You have your own set of issues. Sounds like you should take a good hard look at yourself and the root causes for your attraction to them and correct it. You are in a self destructive pattern and it can only bring you heartache and frustration. A healthy relationship is always between two well-adjusted people.

Answer 5

I DON'T THINK THAT'S WRONG. MATTER OF FACT WE WILL NEVER SURVIVE UNLESS WE GET A LITTLE CRAZY. I DO THE SAME THING, BUT I DON'T LOSE INTEREST IN THEM. IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR HELP I THINK I CAN HELP YOU. YOU SEE, ....THERE'S TWO WAYS YOU CAN LOOK AT THE SITUATION.
1)YOU ARE PROCRASTINATING AND HELPING OTHERS INSTEAD OF YOURSELF.(IF THAT'S THE CASE)
2)YOU SEE THESE GUYS WITH PROBLEMS AND YOU THINK YOU CAN HELP THEM. OK, THAT'S GOOD.....
BUT THE QUESTION IS WHY ARE YOU HELPING THEM?
IS IT TO MAKE GOOD MEANS FOR SEX?
BUT OF COURSE WITH GOOD INTENTIONS I CAN SEE WHY HELPING OTHERS CAN MAKE YOU FEEL POWERFUL, MAYBE THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO OFFER. THAT'S WHY NORMAL GUYS AREN'T INTERESTING TO YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO POWER STRIKING TERMS OF INSTRUCTIONS TO GIVE THEM. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING ONGOING POWER LIKE THAT, AS LONG AS YOU CAN HANDLE TRYING TO REMEMBER ALL OF THE GUYS NAMES.

THE TRUTH IS YOU LIKE A CHALLENGE. THAT'S GOOD I LIKE THE SAME THING. ITS NORMAL. I HAVEN'T DATED FOR A WHILE BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I KEEP DATING AND RE-DATING. MY ADVICE IS TO WAIT AND FIND SOMEONE THAT IS CHALLENGING TO YOU, BUT STAYS CHALLENGING IN A GOOD WAY. IT 'S PURPOSE IS TO KEEP GOING ON AND ON. THAT'S HOW LOVE IS. I THING YOU NEED SOMEONE THAT IS LIKE YOU.

Answer 6

you may like to find 'interesting challenges' where you can contribute /offer some help (subconsciously) to your partner, and you cant do this to normal guys with no big life issues... there's nothing wrong with you if you could try to find amusing things from normal guys. and join community service that offers help to troubled guys to channel your hobby...

Answer 7

You are probably like me in that it makes you feel good to help people and to be needed, hence the guy with issues.... you can come along and try and rescue him and make yourself feel goo because you made a difference in his life.

Answer 8

did your father have issues similar to that. strangllye we find comfort in things we know and our father and mother are our first concept of what a man and a woman are in life.

Answer 9

You are a sad loser that strives for attention. End of story.

Answer 10

you love drama