Should I try to work things out with my ex husband?

Question

My ex and I have been divorced 5 years now. We have 2 little kids together. He has been remarried for two years. He is unhappy in this new marriage, saying it "just doesn't feel right." He wants to come "home" and be with his real family, raising his own kids, not his stepchildren. We had a very tumultous and violent relationship when we were married, but I think we've both grew up. Things don't feel right to me being a single mom and being away from my kids on weekends and holidays when they are with him.

He wants to work things out, he's said this on and off for years now. He hasn't been abusive to his new wife, which leads me to believe maybe he has changed. The kids hate going back and forth and want their daddy home. Should I try to work it out with him? Anyone in this situation?

Answer 1

If you were having discussions like this with any other married man, what would that make you? The "don't get involved with married men" rule applies here, even if you were once married to the guy yourself. Your relationship with him should be strictly as father of your children, and nothing more. Treat this as you would any other married man handing you the "my wife doesn't understand me" line -- like the tired old want-a-little-on-the-side BS it is.

No good can come of you getting involved between this man and his wife. If they do divorce, any regrets over that he may have, he will blame on you. If he re-marries you, he will always be expecting "extra" because he "gave up so much for you" -- you will never hear the end of it.

Answer 2

The problem is your ex husband is already married to someone else. Your ex husband may say he's changed but if he really wants to get back together with you, then he should sign divorce papers right away but he hasn't done a thing, I'm guessing. Do not allow your ex to cheat with you behind his current wife's back. The last thing you want to do is to help create a love triangle and love triangles NEVER work and almost always lead to disasters. So I would say avoid it! Also, let's say your ex husband does leave his wife and gets back together with you but that doesn't mean that the same problems won't arise again and how do you know your ex won't fall in love again with his other wife? These are the kind of things you want to think about before you put yourself in a situation. And for the kids, it's better to see their parents "seperated" and healthier than to see both of their parents argue all the time.

Answer 3

The question you need to ask yourself is would your ex be so willing to work things out with you and come home if his current marriage was doing good?

You say he was abusive to you. Do you really want to make a gamble that he's all the sudden changed? You say he hasn't been abusive to his current wife but how d you know that for certain. It is not like he's going to tell you he is hitting his current wife if he's trying desperately to come home. I doubt that she would tell you anything. Your kids aren't there enough to know for certain

While your kids may hate going back and forth they are use to the idea. If you get back with your ex and it was like it was before you could do some damage to your kids emotionally by splitting up again.

I don't think not feeling right about being a single mom and missing your kids is a good enough reason to try to work things out. You made a clean break and I say stick with it. Do not get back with him for the sake of the children because that never really goes over well. Also like I said before you don't know for certain he's changed are you willing to bet your life on it because it could come down to it.

Answer 4

First off, make sure he divorces his new wife FIRST!!

As was said earlier, you don't want to be the cause of his 2nd marriage breaking up.

Too often both men and women forget the bad parts when they reminisce about their previous relationships, especially when they're having trouble with the current spouse.

Don't open yourself up to more heartache by being the other woman. You kids won't thank you for it in the long run.

If he truly wants to give your relationship an honest try, he'll do it the right way and end his 2nd marriage before trying to reunite with you.

You deserve that respect.

Answer 5

Before you go another step in this you are now the other woman. This man is married and until he's divorced you shouldn't be in the picture. Now after he leaves and gets a divorce you should both go into counseling other wise you'll be in the same situation you were in the first time. You don't want him going back to the second wife when you're not making him happy. That's just yucky.

Answer 6

The first thing to ask yourself is why he wants to get back with you. Is it really that he misses you and needs you in his life more than any other woman? What role do the children really play in this equation? If he has been married to this other woman less than five years, or about that, why is he now wanting to leave her, as he left you, in order to return to you.

I think you're ex-husband is immature from the way you describe his motivations and actions. I don't think he know who or what he wants, nor who or what he is, and is looking for someone else to fulfill him rather than he fulfilling himself. You argued with him to the point of a divorce. What kinds of things did you argue with him about. Were they about you? Money? The way he wanted things done? His expectations and how to fulfill them?

Take a good hard look at the past before you decide to rejoin this fellow. You've had problems and you say he seems to have changed because of the appearance of a good marriage with this other woman. But it's already in trouble or he wouldn't be talking to you about getting back together with you. What's the one thing here common to both situations? It's not you and it's not the kids. Who has the problem? Who should resolve it?

Think about it.

Good luck.

Answer 7

I think it would be harder on your kids to have you get back together and then break up again. It's too confusing for them if you are together one day, then not the next, then back together soon after. Tons of kids do the weekend thing...it may not be the ideal but it is stable and workable.
Plus, if he was abusive or even has an abusive personality (or if you do) he WILL pass it on to your kids.
Do you want your sons to hit their wives or your daughters to tolerate being hit just because it was what they saw as children?
Get out of abusive relationships and stay out. You are so much better than that.

Answer 8

I think that maybe you could give it a trial period of like 6 months My husband and I divorced 3 yrs ago and we've been back together for 2 yrs now. Our relationship couldnt be any better that it is right now. Over that year of separation we both grew up alot and knew how it felt to be with your soul mate. Both our relationships we had when we were separated made us feel unimportant, and it felt like it was fake. Make sure he gets a divorce from his new wife first though.

Answer 9

If you think you can work things out then you should give it another try. I do think since you mentioned there was violence in your relationship with him before- that you should tell him one of the stipulations to your getting back with him is that you both go together to marriage counseling.
Make sure you are both in this for the long haul and be committed to eachother and making the relationship work. Counseling will help a lot - and will also give your new relationship a great foundation to start from, and help avoid any problems before they start. Good luck!

Answer 10

The worst thing my husband ever did was utter the words, "it would be better if you had a miscarriage," when he found out I was pregnant the second time. He doesn't even remember saying it, either. Well, didn't until I brought it up. He apologized so frantically and I could see that he was sincere about it. And he loves both of our children with all his heart. But that very moment was just heartbreaking. Forgiven, just obviously not quite forgotten.