I have been with a man for over 4yrs, he two years older than me and has begun his career. I am still in school and we have lived together for the past 3 years. The problem is not whether we love each other, but rather when we disagree the argument often escalates into a very mean screaming match, where we both do anything in our power to hurt one another (it is never physically violent, more like psychological warefare). We both acknowledge that it is a problem that needs to be fixed, and have tried different strategies such as using cool off periods before we talk about an issue but nothing seems to work. My partner usually instigates the fight but I am the one who "flips out", we both say mean things but he is usually the first to back down but often does it with the feeling he is a victim and that the whole problem lies with me. I am aware that I play a large role in this problem (otherwise I would not be posting this) but I feel he plays a role in this too. How do I stop it?
2006-06-18 04:37:10 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
I am sorry to say that I believe you are not compatable. If you are both willing to look for real solutions to your communication problems and can read together, I suggest "Are You the One for Me" by Barbara De Angelis. I have been in the situation you are describing....it's not about me so I won't go there. I think you both need guidelines of communication and both need to be willing to accept the truth for what is really is. Are you compatable or just combatable? This is the question. I'll bet that when you try to fix it you find the situation only gets worse don't you?
2006-06-18 04:52:25 · answer #1 · answered by brad 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
subconsciously you don't want to stop or you would. there must be something you resent about him and don't outwardly know. perhaps he reminds you remotely of someone who hurt you before or something? don't know.
everyone has disagreements but to allow yourselves to fight this much and so fiercely it makes me feel that you two are not really meant for each other. believe me it doesn't get any better when you get married! love shouldn't be that hard. you both need to grow up more and try to be intelligent about your behavior and think about the damage you are causing each other.
Remember, once you yell something out to hurt someone you can never take those words back. People may forgive but they probably will never forget.
So just think before exploding and try to put the weight of the argument into perspective....is it life threatening, will this cause the end of the relationship? most fights are over trivial stuff due to frustration if neither of you make a huge deal out of it it will be blown over and forgotten. just work on it little by little and promise not to argue, after all it was once explained to me that and argument was simply and exchange of ignorance.
a heady discussion is a totally different matter.
stay cool and be mellow, everyone will benefit.
Best Wishes:)
2006-06-20 17:45:03 · answer #2 · answered by rooster2381 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's very hard to break old habits, and it sounds like this kind of escalation during disagreements is an old habit. Have you tried counseling? You are right, definitely both of you are part of the problem, as both of you are participating in the escalation. It's great that you both recognize the problem and want to change, but remember that change doesn't happen overnight. Keep working at it, keep talking about it; change won't happen quickly, but if you both want it badly enough, you'll get there.
2006-06-18 11:47:06 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You both need counseling before it turns into physical abuse.
2006-06-18 11:39:45 · answer #4 · answered by Sassy OLD Broad 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
time to move on. some people never argue. not saying that's right, just saying things are what they are.
2006-06-20 17:00:53 · answer #5 · answered by bucnscott 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋