Sending my Husband to jail... Am I right or wrong?

Question

My Husband has been abusing me for awhile. I reported this to the police when a neighbor called them during a fight. My husband was charged but wasn't taken to jail because he left right before the police got to the house. The counselor and prosecuter called me last week to find out if the abuse was still going on. It is, in fact it's gotten worse. I told them about 1 of the 10 incidents that have happened in the last month (he choked me until there were bruises around my throat). Before I told the prosecuter about the choking all my H had to do was go in for a book and release, now they are going to hold him on a 50,000 dollar bail when he goes in tomorrow. He doesn't know this yet. The problem is that he has been really nice all week, and I'm feeling guilty. What kind of wife does this secretly? I am leaving him, but I'm scared to leave while he's here. I'm planning on going to a shelter while he's being booked, then filing for divorce. Why do I feel so guilty?

Answer 1

You are right to send him to jail. No, you a are damn right. I would send him to jail without batting an eyelash, and do my best to ensure he never gets out.

He is about to murder you, girl, and YOU feel guilty? You say, he has been "acting nice". Well acting is the right word, and frankly don't fall for the act. I am sure you, more than any of us answering you, would agree that it is not "nice" to have his hands round your neck choking you!!!

You say you are "scared to leave while he's here"! Why is he even with you? You should immediately get a restraining order that keeps him 5 miles from you! You are right to be scared BECAUSE he is there. So get him out of your house, and out of your life.

You are dependent on him, and that may be what you are afraid of! And both of you are probably in one of these maccaber dances getting some kind of pay-off for all this: him for hurting you, and you for allowing yourself to get hurt.

You need to get yourself to a counsellor and work on your personal issues. But ALONE. Forget him. Forever. You don't NOT want to wake up one morning because of a pillow on your face. Please don't delay.

Answer 2

Well of course he's being nice now, and you're feeling guilty. That's all part of the normal profile in these things. You'll learn that if you actually go to a shelter and let them help you.

The guys do this beating or trying to kill you thing, then they feel badly about it and try to make up for it, even promising they'll never do it again is a normal thing. Or saying they'll get help, or at least TRY to stop. Unless they really do get help though, nothing will ever change.

Part of the problem is their need for control, and they lose it when they feel the control is slipping. Some of them move their wives to isolated areas where she has no support system, no friends, no family, etc. Some just try to turn their wives against their family. And some of these men are pretty good at it - the women don't always even realize that this is being done.

Don't fail yourself, you deserve better treatment than this and the way he acts isn't a manifestation of love. The best thing you can do is get away from him and the games he's playing. Surround yourself with other women who have been through the same thing, and really pay attention to what they're telling you. They know more about what you're going through than you can even imagine. You ARE NOT ALONE. You DO have options.

Real love has a large element of mutual respect in it, and no one really has respect for you if they think they have the right to beat you up. Don't fool yourself into thinking that his actions are just a temporary thing, or that you did something to deserve the punishment. NOBODY deserves that, but the men who do this crap often are able to convince the woman that it is really all her own fault, that she MADE him do it. That is just more crap.

Get out quickly, and know that jail is exactly where he belongs.

Answer 3

You are soo strong. You have been through alot. Don't stop now. You are right to want to live in peace. And being choked is not peace. You are not a bad person to put him in jail. He will hurt u further and maybe even kill u if you stay. Don't feel guilty. There is no guilt in protecting yourself. You would applaud a woman who took self defense classes to protect herself or who moved out of a bad neighborhood to keep herself safe. So applaud yourself for finding the courage and strength to go what u have done.

When u go tot the shelter, work on you. On relieving yourself of your guilt. You deserve better than he has given u and don' ever doubt it. May be you will be an inspriration for some other woman going through the same thing. Good Luck and my prayers are with u.

Answer 4

You made the right move, just because he is being nice now doesn't mean he has changed. Abusers don't stop until the victims are out of reach. You should leave while he is in jail and file for divorce also. You are probably feeling guilty b/c you still care for him, but don't turn back from your plan! Get away now!

Answer 5

becuase nop matter wwhat he is your husband, and he knows that he has put in a bad sppot. I am glad to hear that you leaving though, YOU NEED TO, dont stop here go all the way thru it, have him arressted and thrown in there if you dont HE WILL KILL YOU, is this what you want???? File for your divorce right away, as long as he locked up, thats grounds for immdeiate divorce, it shouldnt take that long, AND NO your not wrong for having him put away this what need to be done, if more women were as strrong as you were nalot of abuse could be stopped and that is the truth, nop women should ever be choked, punched in the face, pushed around, noe of this acceptable at all, your doing the right thing dont stop here OK, keep moving forward your doing great so far, keep up the good workk, and I know you know the only reason he is being nice to you is becuase he has court 2 morrow right, thats the only reason he wants you on his good side, dont feel guilty unless you want to die soon, if thats the case dont go thru with the jail thing, you will be writing your own death certificate, keep moving forward, you dont want him to treat another women like this do you, NO keep moving forward and let the police that you are scared and wiill need help after 2 morrow, maybe they can in some way let me know what happens ok

Answer 6

It isn't unusual for an abused spouse to feel guilty. That is how abusers work, by convincing you (and themselves) that it's all YOUR fault, that if YOU wouldn't MAKE him ... etc.

The fact is that you don't have that kind of power over him to MAKE him act a certain way. HE chooses to act that way and it is HIS responsibillity, not yours.

Nearly all abusive relationships follow a pattern. Part of this pattern is "the honeymoon period" following each outburst. For a while, the abuser is really really nice. But this is followed in turn by another episode of abuse, usually worse than the last.

When you go to the shelter, talk to the councelors about your feelings. They can give you a lot of support and help you understand how abuse works and your own feelings.

Be strong. If you can move to another city or state while he is in prison, do it. And, as you move on with your life, do not accept "I lost my temper" as an excuse from anyone in any situation. People can control themselves if they try.

Answer 7

wow.... yeah, you got your self in a pickle! Youre asking if it's wrong to have an affair... YES IT IS WRONG! Don't blame your husband for your actions. If you truely loved the guy you married you'd do anything for him. Including wait for him! If you were married to a guy in the military and he was sent to fight in iraq for more than a year would you cheat on him, and tell him it was his fault. yes it's two different situations but come on. If you have a kid your husband this is even worse. No married guy wants to know his wife is in love with another man, and sure as hell does't want to know his kid is being brought up with this guy! You should have filed for a divorce if you were having doubts. Being in jail is hard enough. Knowing your wife is out there with another guy instead of trying to give you moral support and a light at the end of the tunnel is horrible. Youre gonna make this guy worse than before he went in! I would'nt be suprised if he worked out all his anger in working out and gets huge and comes after this guy. as if jail time wasn't life ruining enough. way to go!

Answer 8

You feel guilty because he's back in the "honeymoon" phase. He's sorry, he'll never do it again, it's partly or all your fault, blah, blah, blah! I've heard it all before. "What kind of wife does this?" What kind of husband does what he did to you? You are 1 of the lucky ones. Many never get the chance to leave, or try to leave but are too afraid or have nowhere & no one to run to. Stick with your plan to leave, get divorced & NEVER look back. Leaving is hard & moving into a shelter with strangers is scary. But it's nothing compared to the fear of never knowing where the next punch is coming from. Good luck and GOD bless you.

Answer 9

You may feel guilty because you love him? But you are doing the right thing. You have to take care of yourself or he could end up killing you. You both need to get help. Follow through with your plans to go to a shelter and get a divorce. Do not consider going back to him until he gets help and has proven by his actions that he will never hurt you again.

Answer 10

I believe you are doing the right thing and I congratulate you for taking this brave step. He is being nice to you, but you now know this is a pattern that can change for the worse at any time. You do not deserve his abuse and you are showing integrity by getting out of this marriage. He needs a reality check and counseling. This action from you will be a wake-up call for him that he hasn't received before. Good for you for taking this action to better your life.

Answer 11

I think that you are very brave, and I wish you all the luck in the world. You feel guilty because a part of you still loves the part of him that was nice to you. You need to go through with this and get yourself into a safe situation and start a life free from fear that you deserve.