What would you do? (dead-beat dad)?

Question

Ok, I have a child who's father never comes around and he swears it's because he's still in love with me. I still love him yes, but I'm IN love with someone else. I don't think it is a good reason to not come around to see your child. I've tried talking to him about it and it just hurts him that he's not a part of our family. I would have liked things to work out between us but I don't tolerate cheating, lying, or drugs. My new guy treats me with respect. My ex says that he is just trying to get over me and that fact that we have a daughter makes it really hard. I do miss him being around for things. What would you do if you were me?

Answer 1

you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink!

Your encouragement for his involvement is a good thing, keep it up!
You haven't been negative about him to your child so you're not influencing them.

You can only do what you can, so here's to ya mum!

And the fact that you have a new partner who's so accepting and supportive of this situation is GREAT! Well done in finding Mr Right!

Answer 2

My parents were divorced when I was 2 and my mom remarried when I was 4 (had two kids and has been married 18 years now). My biological dad had always been in and out of the picture, and even disappeared completely for quite awhile when I was 11. I did not forgive him for 9 years. I wanted nothing to do with him or his family (he remarried and 3 years ago had twins). He didn't pay child support and we were going to take him to court, but I didn't want to risk having to go on supervised visits with him. I was a teenager what can I saw. I don't know how old your child is, but I finally reconnected with my dad after 9 years. I decided that if anything happened to him or me that I couldn't stand the guilt and the what if's. I say of course stay with the man the respects you, even if you love the father of your child it is not a healthy relationship for anyone involved. Being with him and all of his problems (drugs etc) is not going to benefit your child--the cons out weigh the pros. Make sure he still keeps in touch only if its through letters, a little bit goes a long way for a child.

Answer 3

He doesn't need to come around you for child visitations. You can drop your child off at a mutual friend and have him pick up child after you have gone. If its really you he has a hard time seeing then this should work. However I know ( as a divorced father with children) that even seeing the children can be hard. I love them so much it hurts when they have to go back to their mom. It would be easier (on me) not to see them at all. But I couldn't possible do that, and he will probably come to the same conclusion. For now just make it easier on him to see your child by using the mutual friend or another similar method. It will get easier with time. but for this situation it takes awhile. Good luck!

Answer 4

I have a similar problem. However, instead of pursuing the ex about seeing the kids (cause he didn't listen to me then, I can't expect to listen to me now), I now just encourage the kids to contact him and call him if they feel that they need to. However, it's not that I try to avoid speaking with the ex, it's because the I feel the conversation is one way. I am the one expected to take care of things, and this is very wrong. He is the father and should feel an obligation to care for the child. It is all about the kids now, not him or me. So that is where I have place my focus. I think you can try that as well. His excuses will be his misfortune.

Answer 5

Cry. Get mad for nothing at no one in particular. Feel the burden of the world on my shoulders. Drown in Chocolate. Cry. In that order. That's not the thing to do to cope but it's who I am. Your position is rare if not unique. It sounds like you really just need someone to talk to. You made the right choice. You deserve respect. If your ex didn't give you that, maybe it's good to be away from him. Try to incorporate him in your child's life definitely! But don't be dependent on someone else when a guy who treats you like you deserve to be treated is right there with you. I wish you luck. I'm sorry but that's all the advice I can give without further details.

Answer 6

What you need to do is tell your ex that his feelings for you should in no way, shape, or form interfere with his time with your daughter. She needs a dad around and he needs to move on. You are obviously doing so. Yes there are still going to be lingering feelings. Any relationship that breaks up because of outside factors usually does. But that isn't your daughter's fault. Make him see that he's punishing your daughter for him being stupid. (Cheating, lying, drugs, I think) Your daughter doesn't deserve to be caught in the middle. If need be, make special arrangements where neither of you guys see each other but your daughter still gets time with her father.

Best of Luck,
Pancake

Answer 7

Well Children do need a male a felmale figure in thier lives. But it sounds like your ex is being very self centered about this. Like a child who is holding his breathe until he gets what he wants. He needs to understand that your child is what is important not you or him. If he can't see that then if your new relationship grows and you get married, make sure this guy can handle being the father you ex is obviosly not wanting to be.

Answer 8

sometimes children that are raised by their mother alone like me do seem to do more better You don't really need to have a man to raise a child even thought it is very important. There might another male figure that your child can look up to. Be strong you can do this on your own My mother did a damn good job with us. She did alot better than families that have two parents in the home. I'mso thankful to God that I have a mother like her. I know if she could do it I know you can. Keep ya head up. God Bless!

Answer 9

My mom caught her first husband cheating on her and she left, she found another man that loves her they were married for 19 years and had 2 kids of their own, this man has been there for me as a dad since I was 6 weeks old, he's the only dad I've ever known.

Answer 10

I don't think not coming around is being a deadbeat because he may know something you don't.My ex. married a pedophile that eventually molested my daughter even though I payed support and had visitation.I wish I had known.Forgive his obligation and reassure him that the new lover hasn't taken his place as a parent.Happy fathers day !