Wife of 28 years wants nothing to do with me....?

Question

I'm at a loss. My wife of 28 years wants nothing to do with me. We've raised 2 great boys, who are now gone. She won't go on vacation with me. We haven't slept in the same room in many years. Now, we are on a one-sex relations-in-13-months streak. The sex was always infrequent, and boring, but I hung in there. Now I'm thinking divorce for the first time. What to do......

Answer 1

There MUST be some other reasons. People just arn't like that for no reason. Either you or your wife (or both) are depressed or there is something affecting/ putting a strain on your relationship. But I all I can think of is that your wife is deppressed. They are common symptoms of depression.

Update:

if you haven't slept in the same room for many years then I think you have left it a little late.

Answer 2

Maybe she won't go on a vaction with you because you bore her. Or maybe she just doesn't like you. There can be many reasons. I suggest you ask her why she doesn't want to go on a trip with you and REALLY LISTEN to her answer. Under no circumstances should you get defensive or raise your voice. You will get no where if you do this at all.

If she says she doesn't love you anymore, and things along that line, then you should start asking her if she remembers how it was in the beginning, in comparison to how it is now. I'll bet she will talk your ear off, that is, if she still cares even a little.

You have to tell her that after 28 years of marriage, you finally realize that you have not put any (or very little effort) into your relationship, and you VERY MUCH want to change this behavoir. Don't be surprised if she laughs at you, or simply doesn't believe you.

Tell her you want the two of you to go to a marriage counsellor as soon as possible to try to find the feelings you once had for each other.

Also it would be a good idea to put her first, in EVERYTHING you do. She has been neglected for so long, she won't recognize this for a while, be consistent.

Be direct, be decisive, be caring, and most of all, be patient. It can take YEARS to get that loving feeling back.

Good luck,

m

Answer 3

First of all, you 2 have been together for so long. Are you really willing to let it all go? If not, have you been romantic? Have you been spontaneous and, ahem, generous in the bedroom? Maybe you two are both getting bored. Try spicing things up. Maybe the only reason you havent been having sex is because you don't initiate or she might be feeling a little less confident about her appearance. Here's my advice. TALK TO HER!! None of us can really help you, but she can tell you how she really feels, all we can do is guess. Maybe that's all you guys need. A really long talk to straighten everything out. If she's falling out of love try to remind her why you two fell IN love. I'm sure that if you guys stuck together for 28 yrs. you can do it another 28. I mean after all, youve probably had some ups and downs already. Tell her how you feel too. Maybe she doesn't realize how much this is actually hurting you. Besides, if you didn't stand a chance, I'm sure you two wouldn't be living in the same house. I've even made my boyfriend sleep in another room for a few weeks. After we talked about our problem, I felt better and more attatched to him. Good luck, and I wish you the best. Be confident and courageous.

Answer 4

Your marriage, my friend, has been dead for years. I hope you are getting action on the side. I hate to say that but I feel for you. I was married for 18 years and my wife was f**king my best friend at the end. It took me a long time to realize what was going on. I was being played for a fool.

You can stay married if you want, but make it very clear to your wife that you are not going to accept her sex once a year routine any longer. If she wants to stay married to you she will have to discover that you are a great guy and deserve better than this. If she can't, then she can move her fat a*s out of the house and keep on f'ng her boyfriend.

On the other hand, maybe you just need to tell her that you are going to be leaving her and you might not come back. Don't grovel. Don't try to be a "nice guy." Women hate that. They want you to be smart, funny, a bit dangerous. You've probably been a nice guy so long that she doesn't respect you anymore.

I can't live with sex once a year. I start doing wierd things if more than a couple of months go by. You can't either. A woman who loves you would understand this and would revel in the opportunity to delight you with her womanly charms.

Answer 5

Seems to me that everyone feels like you should get marrige counseling. I have to say that I don't have a formal education in psychiatry but I have done a lot of personal study and can give you only one good piece of advice in that area. DO NOT let counseling be your first option. Okay, so you've had problems... a lot of problems, but if you start out approaching your wife about counseling then you put her on the defensive... nobody likes that. Sounds to me like you have had a lot of good things in your life that you don't want to give up on. So don't, first things first... talk to her... open up to her. Don't wait for her to come to you... be honest and open with her about how you feel... excluding the divorce option. See how it goes... and for Gods sake move back into the same room. The only reason a married couple should EVER keep seperate rooms is in a medical situation that may require it... or if one or the other of you happens to have really bad sleeping farts or snoring problems. Otherwise, go out and buy you a nice new California King bed and move it into the room, then lock the door on the other and start sleeping together again. Also, maybe you should speak to your children about this, they should be old enough by now to understand and be able to help. You never know what she's spoke to them about, and if they know that you are wanting to work things out and save your marriage they will be your strongest allies. You are going to need a support system for yourself as well as your wife. Try everything the two of you can think of first and see how it goes. If that doesn't work THEN seek counseling, but remember that counseling does absolutely no good unless you're both willing to work on it.

BTW... you should ask yourself one VERY important question first. If you find out the unfortunate possibility that she has been cheeting on you, are you able to deal with that, forgive her, and continue loving her enough to work everything out?

Answer 6

OK, this is a tough one to answer. I will give an opinion. Hope it helps.

It sounds like the two of you are in a "rut." Life is boring, there is no challenges. Kids are gone, you are getting older, life becomes shorter. People start to say "is this all there is?"

Many people figure the "grass is greaner" elsewhere (it usually is NOT!), change spouses, change jobs, even change cars and clothing! The problem I have found is that your metabolism is slowing down, so the two of you "feel" older and start looking for ways to "speed up" your desires and feelings.

Go see a marriage counselor. Even gone, your children need a married mom and dad. If they get divorce, the kids usually eventually get a divorce too. Life is NOT better alone. And THEN join a gym, workout together with a personal trainer, if necessary. Get the metabolism flowing again, and the two of you will feel lke you use to.

Answer 7

I say it's never too late to cut your loses. remember that people come in and out of our lives for different reasons and hers may have been for you to experience married life and kids, but it sounds like that era is coming to an end. You should try and take a vacation by yourself or with some friends. enjoy and get to know yourself and enjoy your own company.

if it's all about the sex for you- get a divorce and do your thing

but if it's not- stay with her cause you have been good partners this long( much like business partners ) you get things done together .

anyway good luck - and do what feels right for you- not her, not the kids, not family and not friends

take a short vacation alone somewhere nice and think it over on the beach sipping a pina colada

Answer 8

will if you hung in just for the boys they are gone now so what are you waiting for ,get a divorce and start anewyou have allready spent 28 years in a relationship that wasnt all that great,move on and find another but this time make sure you are sexually compatible first,you dont want the same thing happening again do you

Answer 9

Have you guys tried couple's therapy? Unless both you and your wife are willing to admit that not having sex is an issue and that it can cause problems in your relationship, then perhaps divorce is inevitable. A marriage is made up of two people, which means both people need to make compromises and try to understand the needs of each other. It has to work both ways. Is she interested in talking about this issue? Talk to her and ask her. Honesty is the key. If she doesn't seem interested in what you have to say, then perhaps you'll be able to decide what step you'd like to take next.

Answer 10

Study the Bible with one of Jehovah's Witness in your local kingdom hall. Experiences show that it really helps if both of you have Bible Study. Ask for an experience married couple. And from the lessons you learn, apply the counsels.

Husband should love his wife as his own body.
Wife should show deep respect for her husband.
Be quick to listen...Slow to speaking (meaning think before you speak...slow to wrath)
Divorce will shatter the family and your children are the true victims.
There is no room for abusive speech in the house or to your wife.
You won't abuse your own body, if you cherish and love it. True?
The key to your wife is you understand that she needs you not to always tell her the best way to do this or that. Rather, it is to tell her that you feel bad for her situation when she's ready to talk. Telll her that if you are in the same situation with the same treatment from her work, her husband, you will be sad too. So...show empathy to her feelings.
Do that commit adultery, it may be irreversable. Don't cheat! It won't be love if your did.

Answer 11

Get some darn marriage counseling there is something wrong on your end if she dosne't want to engage in intimacy perhapse becasue you may have something that bugs her like PE or you hurt her or your insensitive. Divorce is not your answer. You need to entertain the possiblity that you have changed for the worse and need to get back to who you were when you married her to some extent. Why did you marry her in the first place what makes it worth it don' t just flush 28 years down the toilet for you own selifsh sexual desires. There is more to life than that. Great sex begins in the mind. Start working it out there.