My husband does not seem to care about my feelings.?

Question

Whenever I try to call him on it he gets real defensive and sometimes beligerant. How can I approach this issue without putting him in defensive mode so quickly?

Answer 1

Was he ever receptive to this type of discussion? or is this something which you want to begin now?

If he's shut down, then there's a problem. If he was never capable or receptive to this type of discussion, you've got the problem.

What made you so attracted to him that you married him?..... If you could focus on that aspect of his personality, you might in fact be able to bypass this delima and work towards a bigger plan.

Answer 2

You don't say how long you have been married/together, nor the age range you both are in, but in the very short question, it sounds like you may need to consider the way you use your words.
For example, " I try to call him on it", says that you attack which is confirmed by, "he gets real defensive". Think of this like a football game. You have the defense line, right? And what do they do? The "defend" against attacks. They defend the attacks of the boys with the "pig".
Try learning how words and inflection can make a big difference in getting your point across. Communication is not simply being able to "talk" it is about being able to express yourself in such a way that opens dialog, not animosity, especially with your spouse.
I will give you a silly but real example:
You don't like roses, the smell of them makes you naucous. Besides, to you they attract bees and you don't like bees.
A neighbor invites you to a backyard bar-b-que and when you arrive you find they have roses all over the yard, on the table, everywhere, it's their favorite flower, they love the smell and the bees are harmless.
What do you say? Nothing, but when they hand you a rose to enjoy, proudly displaying their pride, you are overwhelmed by the smell. How do you handle it?
Look at them and swat it away saying they make you sick? Or, could you simply tell them what an amazing job they have done growing such beautiful flowers, however, you have a sensitive sense of smell and roses tend to irritate that.
Which is nicer, the "swat" or the compliment? Didn't you just say the same thing two different ways? Do you think your neighbor would be offened by the "swat", or by the "compliment? Which one would elict a postive, "OH, I didn't know, let me remove these from the table" Are your feelings being recognized?
Get the point?

Answer 3

Omg half or more than half of people that get married one of the spouses always seems to have a little more growing up to do and he is the one he is still sewing his wild oats he has not made transition from selfish to family guy and the baby is scaring him to some degree he has already given up enough party time on you and he is not going to give any more for any body else he is being a child he is not thru growing up he will 99 percent of them do and we go and are married 30 years hang in there this will get old one day and it will just change. Now 2nd while in military the cannot drink at all in Iraq and when all of them come home they drink and try to catch up they have just spent the most stressful time of there life as a kid in a war and all they talk about is when WE get home we are going to party and they get alot of hemones running thru them and cant back down. I think they need help with that the drinking so much is so out of hand especially after all they have been thru in Iraq!

Answer 4

Maybe he doesn't understand your feelings or feels you are trying to tell him he is wrong. Nobody likes that. DId you try saying "I know you don't mean it this way, but when you _______, I feel ________."? Try to be example specific. Some people are more sensitive than others and the ones that aren't as sensitive don't understand what the problem is. Or is it deliberate actions? What gives you the feeling he doesn't care about your feelings? Maybe he is overwhelmed trying to meet your needs. Even if your needs aren't a lot, he may be having a hard time meeting his needs and yours or there may be something outside your relationship bothering him.

Answer 5

Try writing him a letter and putting in his lunch box or briefcase so that he can read it on his luch break at work.
That will also give him time to think about what he is doing and to calm down if he does get upset.
My husband is the same way at times, so that is what I do.
It works very well for me. By the time he gets home he has thought about what he's done or needs to do.
I also find it easier for me to express my feelings on paper and to be open and honest about everything. Not to mention not having to worry about him interupting me with some defensive remarks.
It certainly wont hurt to try it!

Answer 6

Using "I" statements helps eliminate the sometimes accusatory feeling of these types of discussions. "Sometimes I feel like..."

Talking with an unbiased third party will help IMMENSELY. They kind of act like a referee by keeping things civil and giving each person a chance to discuss their feelings. Find a good couples counselor, quick.

It gets worse before it gets better. But one way or another, it gets better eventually.

Answer 7

A man that don't care and respect his wives feelings really don't deserve her. tell him the only way to have a productive relationship is to be able to talk, understand each other and work all problems you both may have.

Answer 8

Dont go and start nagging him with how insinsitive he is. Of course hes going to bite back. If you guys have times where you talk about your issues explain to him how what he does hurts you without accusing him. And if you dont have those conversations i suggest starting, or your relationship will just either end or go on to be a very uncomunacable misserable relationship.

Answer 9

Start by using "I" statments. If he's still not listening, try telling him that you want to go to counseling. You might set up and appointment and invite him if you think he'd show up if you asked him to come to an appointment with you where he's not commited to go back.
Good luck!

Answer 10

Try to put him in a position where he does something small for you, and when he does, reward him with a huge smile, a kiss and a big thank you. Show him when he pleases you. He will want to keep receiving the positive feedback.