Seriously, I need answers. Married to a beautiful woman who does not seem to need me?

Question

5 years ago I found out my wife was involved with another man. They were found out before sex happened but we suffered horribly. The guy turned out to be a total jerk and hounded me for a couple years with threats and nasty letters. I'm left with questions that she won't answer and doubts about her. We have 3 kids - been together for 16 years - in our mid-years. A lot of her past has come up ie. abortions,drug use,a rape, promiscuity. True this was before we were married but now that the dam has been breached can this be taken as a mere hiccup or is it truely that people don't change. Our sex life is area that brings the most angst. Once or twice a month has been the norm and always with the excuse that it was not me but her. Her straying makes that hard to accept. She seem to want me to provide but we live as brother and sister. SO, can someone really be so needy that they will risk it all and take a chance in losing everything, should she be trusted? Is there hope?

We did the marriage counsellor and she is in therapy herself. The therapist told me to be patient and hold on. He told me it would be a bumpy ride but I guess I did not expect such a painful ride. My ego has suffered and my pride and dignity ruffled. I will not leave my children, ONE, because I love them so much and TWO, because they would most likely be given to their mom. Shes not a bad mother but now that they are getting older I find her words of wisdom almost hipocritical. (kids are all still in grade school). We knew each other for about 16 months before we married.

Any money my wife has has come from me. She stopped working shortly after we married and became a housewife and then a mother. Even though she has training to be a qulified white collar employee she just can't seem to find a job to her liking. I have suggested that she give some of her free time working at the school or a library or such she thinks that would be a waste of time since she would not be earning an income. She is extremely shy (at least claims to be) has zero friends and except for the men she dated, has never had a friend of the same gender. She certainly gravitates to men and seems more comfortable with them. She is also suicidal and has attempted twice in her late teens. Her diagnosis has ranged from Bi-Polar to classic depression.

Answer 1

You should wait until your kids are 16 to 18 years old and then divorce her. Contact a very good divorce attorny now and hire an asset protection specialist. The goal here is a clean break from her with no strings, particularly financial strings attached to her. You should spend a significant amount of time preparing this without her knowledge. The better you do this, the more likely the divorce is to be on your terms, not hers. This is important, because people like her, like to hurt their spouse and their children when served with divorce. This is no joke....and you BETTER be prepared.

What you have here is a woman who has significant mental and moral depravity and your chance for a good life with her is about zero. This has everything to do with how she chooses to be as a person and you have zero influence over that. What she essentially did was lie to you about what type of person she is in order to use you. The type of man that is usually a match for her is your average felon, drug user and psychopath (you already have great experience with this, no?) What she did was she chose a normal man, whom she has zero emotional attachement or attraction to, in order to use. She cares nothing for you and probably cares nothing for your family. What she cares about is you paying the bills while she screws men from the trashcan of society. You need to get rid of her. However, your children complicate matters.

The good news is this. Women have a shelf life. Men do not. She is old and coming to the end of her attractiveness to men. Yours is just beginning. It is HIGHLY likely that you will be able to start over with a nice, normal girl, once you unload this miserable waste of life.

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Answer 2

That's a tough one. Since you have children it's tougher to just say 'divorce". How is she with the kids"? If she's good then work with her through thick and thin. If she's not a good mom , then take the kids and get a divorce, no reason for them to suffer. If you guys argue in front of them, stop.Sex would probably be the last thing you should think of as a reason to stay or go. What type of a person is she, does she treat you right? Don't let her skeletons haunt you. How do you really feel about her. Ask God for guidance.

Answer 3

Is she on any medication for her disorders and depression? Was she raped or is she the one that did the raping? I would listen to your counselor and be patient. But at the same time if she is cheating repeatedly then separate for a short time at least. If the cheating has stopped then try to forgive her for that and see if the therapy and counseling help her at all and if over 6 months to a year you begin to see a change. You also need counseling for you to start to heal from all of this and so you can learn to forgive her. Forgiveness is a BIG part of healing. Bitterness and Unforgiving is the poison we drink while we wait for the other person to die! You may also want to go with her to her doctors and see what they have to say about her emotional and mental state. Also have a mental health evaluation done on her if at all possible!

Answer 4

why would you wanna waiste your life with someone who doesnt want you? I think you should let her go and move on, find a better life for your self with someone who will love you like you deserve. Things happen for a reason, one day you will ask your self "what did i make such a big fuss for?" 16 yrs is along time, but dont try and make it work for that reason. Sometimes its takes others longer to realize that things just arent gonna change, which makes it an even more difficult lesson to learn. Love your self enough to know you deserve so much better....I was with someone almost that long and i went through alot too, but now i have a good life, a life that i wouldnt of had if i hadnt of gone through that, its almost like a path you take, you have to take it to get to where your suppose to be in life, honest....take my word for it. It will all fall into place one day, but you need to move on, and find it.....considerate this a hard lesson in life, and the longer you stay the harder its gonna get! Dont cry about it, you learn from it.....good luck!

Answer 5

most people don't change most of time. I don't really want to upset you, however, it sounds like you are in a bad situation and in love with someone who does not love you back. The comfort of marriage is too convenient for her to leave. If you think she's staying because she loves you, not true. She would make love to you much more often if she had real true feeling for you. She maybe cheating,or may not,she just does not have enough feeling for you to be that intimate. I think you should really take a good look at your situation and make a decision. The sooner you leave her, the better life would be for you. You will probably hurt for a long time,but in a long run you will be better off.

Answer 6

How long did you date her before you got married? She must have repressed and suppressed her negative traits but good that you found out 5 years ago. Hats off to you for being loving because I don't think I can personally handle that kind of situation.

She is a beautiful woman and there's a lot of temptation on her side. I think it is important to assess her feelings for you. What does she expects from your marriage of 16 years? What does she expects of her own life?

To tell you honestly I know a married woman who has history of infidelity. Even before she married her bf because she got pregnant, she was dating her then bf and another guy at the same time. A couple of years ago, this married woman dated a younger guy in the office. Some woman have a tendency.

Before we judge them, you mentioned that she was raped before, it would be helpful if you guys can see a psychotherapist to help her figure out how to change...if she really loves you, she should want to change...considering the fact that you have 3 kids.

Answer 7

The problem is that this is what society puts into people. They assume a woman is only worthy of being a wife or actually worthy of being a woman, if she is Beautiful (physical looks) and has money. They do not look towards the greater good, which is how her morals and character is. Not all men are like this though, it would be unfair to say they are. My future husband, looks past this ( not saying I am ugly in the least =D ) and the main aspect is that she has excellent morals and has deen within her, for surely that makes her Beautiful if she is pleasing Allah (swt).

Answer 8

Its possible that she does not equate sex with love. Sometimes for women who have been abused/raped etc, it is difficult to engage in sexual activity within a loving relationship because there is no correlation between the two for her. Sex then becomes easier when it is with someone who does not love her. Sadly, you both will need extensive counseling therapy and prayer for the marriage to hold on. The good news is that God is in the business of healing and restoration. So yes, there is hope. And good for you for thinking of the kids. Dads are so important in a childs life.

Answer 9

I am sure she loves you but it sounds like she has a lot of issues that she is dealing with. I was raped at a very young age and did some drugs. I also had a lot of family problems, my grandma raised me. Now as an adult am have just recently accepted the things that have happened and i have forgiven everyone including my self. Please to do try to pry info out of her, it hurts. Let her know you are there for her and ready to listen without judgment! And you are right she is needy... she needs you and her children to support her. Give it a chance and forgive her. She needs to know you forgive her, accent her, and love her. If you can not do these things then leave. There is always hope!

Answer 10

first of all, i think my husband may simpathise with you to a degree, (not the sex part) i have bipolar dissorder, and he deals with a lot from me. we have 3 daughters, and our fourth is due in september, we both love each other terribly, even though we have found that life would be easier for both of us if we didnt have to put up with one another. we stay together because the way we feel about each other makes the tough stuff worth it. i cheated on him early in our marriage, i was promiscuis before we were married, drugs, i was also raped, all of these are common for people with certain mental dissorders that can be helped, controled or treated with therapy, awareness, information, application, and in some cases medication
theapy...talking to a professional about your feelings can be helpful to many people
awareness...sometimes people dont realise they have a problem, or dont know what the problem is, sometimes just discovering there is a problem, and what it is, they can manage to figure out a means of correction
information...once you know what the problem is...RESEARCH!!!!knowing things about the problem helps you understand it better.
application... once you think of a way to help the particular problem at hand, you MUST apply it into your life, if you dont, its just an idea...
and of course most peoples answer to everything....medication....again, i say...DO YOUR RESEARCH!!!!! any medication you take, you should research first, espesially sphyciatric drugs, some people are verry sensitive to certain things...bipolar people should not take antidepressants without a mood stableizer first, it can cause very bad side effects like, depression, suicidality, paranoia, mania, hypomania, the list goes on, (when i took antidepressant they should have put me in a hospital, i had all of the above and then some.)
i guess my bottom line is this...if you love her, and want it to work, talk to her, find out what she is looking for with you, if she wants you bad enough to work at making your relationship better. not all women that act that way do it because they dont care, you said yourself that she has had a rough life, she has endured something i havent and i dont envy her, a lot of women who have abortions strugle with guilt thier whole lives, you can even research that if you like...just go to google.com and fire away, youd be amazed at some of the things you learn.
if you love her as much as it sounds like you do, she may torment you more when shes not there.