Physical and verbal abuse after 27 years of marriage. I want out, but family says don't give up.?

Question

There is mental and medical problems involved that make family think I'm deserting him in his time of need. What about me?

Answer 1

Would the best time for you to think about you be when you are being hauled out on a stretcher or in a coffin? If you are being abused, GET OUT. I went through the same thing. Depression made hubby #2 the same way, and his mother thought I was just awful for leaving him, but you know what? Mommy wasn't living with his abuse 24/7!

Answer 2

I haven't gone through the physical stuff...the emotional....which is sometimes worse as you may well know. Found out 4 or 5 yrs ago from a psychiatrist that he's been clinically depressed from an early age on....he went on meds for 1 yr and stopped. The cycle continues....I'm about ready to move out. I have things lined up. It's been a very long hard process. Looking back I can say that what has finally gotten me to this point of being able to go is that I had to break my ties with his friends and family. Unfortunately I lost my own self identity somewhere a few years back and am finally starting to feel the old me coming back and it feels great. I'm surrounding myself w/ people I know will support me and through my own counseling I was told that friends and family sometimes aren't always our best support. Most people don't understand why abused people stay in relationships...if it was that easy it wouldn't exist but I can say that I think some of it has to do with fear of the unknown. Even though you'd be safer away you don't know the future....where you are right now whether good or bad you know what to expect....it really takes courage to walk away. My friend's sister was murdered a few yrs ago by her abuser......we never think it'll happen to us....

Answer 3

Well you weren't specific here about what kind of help your husband has gone for, for his mental and medical problems, but if he hasn't, I would recommend that first. I would also highly recommend that you go to therapy, where somebody is a third party and objective, and tell them how you feel, what is happening. No family member is ever going to be able to be objective and be able to truly help you. You need to help yourself and take care of yourself!!! There is some reason why in your mind or heart that you are staying, especially if he has gotten help, and is no better with physical or verbal abuse. I mean, no person, husband or wife should put up with physical or verbal abuse when it is identified and that's that!!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know the longer you are with somebody, the harder it is to turn away or walk away from the situation but it truly doesn't have anything to do with your family. It is about you and your husband and what is right for your marriage!!! I would, if you have faith, ask for guidance, ask for a direction, give it up, and then take time, quiet time, to truly listen..............good luck! Life sure is difficult, but don't make it more than it needs to be! There is also a lot of goodness out there, and you deserve it!

Answer 4

The dynamics involved in this are something that are really hard for an outsider to understand. I have been in your shoes. My head KNEW that the relationship was totally sick and wrong. But my heart kept thinking it would get better, "If only ..... " (fill in the blanks with all those things you continually come up with). But ya know what? All of a sudden, you wake up one day, and you realize that the day you are holding out for, will NEVER come. Love isn't enough! You can't love him into changing!

Do you want another 27 years of this????! That is what you are looking at, unless YOU change. It is totally up to you to decide that you DESERVE better! It is probably the hardest thing you will EVER do in your life, but you need to make some scarey changes, and you need to go your own way. No matter what you have ever said to him, or done, or not done, YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE HIT, PUSHED, SLAPPED or VERBALLY attacked in any way! NOTHING EVER deserves a violent response. HE is sick. And if you stay, you are just keeping that sickness going. You can decide how much longer you want to be sick yourself, or you can take the steps to start your new life! By asking the question here, you have actually begun to recognize that you are NOT comfortable with things as they have been.

I got out. It was scarey. My ex had LOTS of money. We went on trips and bought new cars yearly. We had a huge home and an extravagant lifestyle. NO ONE knew how unhappy our life was. Even our best friends didn't know! We always sat in the front row at church, and we always held hands. Everyone thought our life was ideal. No one knew about the abuse! Finally, I went to a Battered Women's shelter and got information and a LOT of support and help. It was a SAFE place to be. They helped me to heal and to get on with my life.

10 years later, I can say that I have now found THE LOVE OF MY LIFE! I am truly happily married! I don't have all the money and "STUFF." In fact, I lost it ALL, including friends and family members who turned against me, because my manipulative ex convinced them that I was the one who was crazy.

I now, live a totally different and very simple life. But I have peace, beauty and true JOY in my life at last! I am married to the kindest, most intelligent, unbelievable man in the world. All the riches in the world can NEVER replace this happiness! And you deserve to be happy too!

I would urge you to find a Battered Women's Shelter. YOU CAN do it. You ARE strong. You have already proved that you are a survivor! You are in my prayers and thoughts.~

Answer 5

You are the one living day to day with this abuse, so I think that you are the only one who truly knows what it's like. I am on your side. I think that you should leave. No one deserves to be abused, and if you've given 27 years to your marriage you have done your part. Everyone should know that nothing is going to change.

Your family can't know what you're going through. Explain to them that you have to leave, because it is what is right for you. Let them know that you have given the matter a lot of thought, and in order to preserve yourself you must end the relationship.

It will be hard, but you owe it to your own well being.

Answer 6

It's not easy to leave, is it? If it were, you would have done it a long time ago. And the family probably does not even believe that the abuse is going on, do they? Are children involved? That makes it even harder to leave. However, unfortunately, statistics are against you that it will end well for you (unless death is a good ending for you). Make that decision- if you're asking us, then you're thinking about it. Contact a domestic violence center in your home town- they are sincere and CONFIDENTIAL. They can give you the best advice as well as the actual help to leave. They have shelters where you can stay while you get your life together and help you with the legal ramifications of leaving (e.g. lawyers for a PFA, etc). Yes, there is probably going to be a lot of guilt laid on you for leaving him "in his time of need"- so make sure you leave him such emergency numbers as the crisis line and 991. But decide and do it. Or stick around and let us know what you want on your grave stone.

Answer 7

It's not up to your family. It's up to you. Have you discussed this with a therapist? It's important for you to figure out whether or not this is a healthy relationship, regardless of what the people around you think. A counselor is a good neutral third party that you can do a reality check with. If you don't believe that things are going to change and you've reached your limit, then you know what you need to do.

Answer 8

Boy, this is the toughest!! I'm 53/F and divorced this guy (to be with an old high school love, which is sorta stupid I know..never even saw the damned guy) but THEN the ex got colon cancer and had 'the famous operation' w/the waiting room full of HIS bawling relatives.. He wouldn't get the hell out of (my) house either (I paid for it, goddamnit) so I ended up feeling sorry for the ****, and remarried him. (You think it sux now? just wait..) He's got control of the money (his *** wipe lawyer helped there) and has got me more brainwashed than ever.. ..that I can't do ****! SO what do I wanna tell you? Get the hell out of there. RUN! It's not 'all about him' goddamnit! It'll get worse.. I should know.. Who's this famous 'family' running the show, anyhow? (probably his family.. right? I don't know tho.. my family sux.) You dont sound the selfish sort to me (everybody luvs to 'bring you down' and family is worst of all).. I mean, you've been there for 27 years. I doubt this all just happened within the last month, all the bad **** going down, did it? They don't know what kinda **** you go through (are continuing to go through.) This guy IS using you.. he is using his medical/mental problems to "control you." He IS a power fanatic/freak, man! You are totally in the right! (go for it, I say!) g'luck....&.. later.. melancholia

Answer 9

Nobody, but NOBODY has the right to verbally or physically abuse another living thing. I'm talking other people, or animals. If the argument is you are deserting in his time of need, the answer is, your time of need is your lifetime! You need to feel safe & happy in your everyday life & in particular, your home. He, by his actions & words has already deserted you. You must choose, are you unimportant enough to sacrifice your well-being in order to give him somebody to belittle & abuse? Answer: No F***ing Way!!! Go, not slowly, but go completely away from him, his problems, his life! You have a right to be, and not a single person on the planet is better than you! Different, but not better! Get away, I hope you find the happiness & health which we all deserve, good luck. DON'T WAIT, do it today!

Answer 10

Don't give up???? You give 27 years of your life to this crap, day in and day out, and they say 'don't give up'? I bet they believe in the old adage: stay married to the sob no matter what. Guess what!! It is NOT their decision or lives. It is YOURS.

I was with an abusive guy for 20 years. I only stayed because I was young, naive, thought that he would change for me/us (stupid, I know), and was verbally beaten down for so many years that I believed it was my fault and that I couldn't make it on my own. Guess what? I got away for good (it took me leaving 3 times, last one for good, to get away for good) and I have never felt better in my life! I am now totally independent, a totally different person that my friends are having to get to know all over again, and after sometime I got someone else--someone at least 1000 times better than my ex. And guess what? My ex's life has totally gone downhill (from what I have heard from his friends and his daughter). Mine has only gotten better over time. It took a lot of work: mental, emotional, etc

I would say to leave. Do9n't walk. RUN FAST AND FAR. NO ONE deserves to be abused, no matter the type of abuse. DON'T let your husband control you by using his sickness/mental problems. He is a control freak (which is abuse) and is verbally abusive. You need to get away from this or it will only get worse. He is trying to control you with his sickness now. Do you want him to control who you see and when and where? Do you want him controlling all of YOUR finances the rest of his life or your lives?

You are NOT deserting him. HE deserted you long ago by being abusive.

Good luck!