Is my husband right or am I?

Question

We have 3 small children, I stay home and raise them and he works. Money is tight and he gets on my case about every penny I spend. I can't buy shoes for the kids without having to listen to him complain about it. I only shop in Target and Wal-mart and never buy myself anything. He told me a few weeks back that he wanted to buy a motorcycle. I said I didn't like the idea I personally thought it was dangerous but I also felt it was selfish and financially irresponsible. He said OK and then a week later went out and bought himself one anyway. Then he told me he works hard and desrves it. Is he right, does he deserve it and if so than why don't I deserve anything I gave up my career to stay home and take care of his home and our children. I am having a hard time with this and would love to hear what other people think.

Thank you all for your opinions. This has never been about the money for me, it has been about what I felt was a complete lack of respect. My quitting my job was his idea not mine, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea but he insisted it was what he wanted. I have always helped in any way I could, I have one of those home party businesses and have picked up some extra money taking in other people's children here and there, and have a steady job baby sitting come September. It's never enough for him. I just feel really hurt by the fact that he disregarded my feelings.

As far as the person who said I shuld stop b*tching, I love when people think they know you. Not that I need to justify myself to you, however, I have not taken a vacation in 5 years and my husband wants to take a family trip for his 40th birthday so I am questioning people to make sure we come up with the perfect trip since it will be the first family vacation for my children.

Answer 1

NO, he DOES NOT deserve it. That sounds like what happened to someone I know, right down to the number of kids and the motorcycle! I don't blame you for having a hard time. I would be so angry!! I'm lucky - I'm the frugal one (even though I would love to spend tons - I have expensive taste) and my husband is not frugal, but constantly tells me that it's OK for me to spend money, because that's why he goes to work. I feel for you. What he did and what he said was mean and selfish and irresponsible and WRONG. And the way he treated you before - about complaining about your purchases for your CHILDREN - was wrong. I hope you guys can get past this - this has the potential to be an ongoing disaster unless he can somehow see your perspective. Too bad most men are morons. And they call us illogical!

Answer 2

Quit your b!tching! Go to work. Stop using the kids as an excuse to hang out at home. You think you work at home, but I tell ya what, you'd be washing clothes, cleaning the house and paying your own bills without him. You are the closest to acting like a retired person that you can get!

Your husband can quit his b!tching too, because either he can see you spend the money on shoes for the kids, or he can send you an alimony check along with child support!

Yes he should have a motorcycle. It's encouragement to keep going on with this working he doing day after day. A man needs to see and touch the fruits of this labors.

So there you have it...get a job and make money since things are so tight. Manage your money and he'll manage his. Split the bills. You may grow a new appreciation for him once you start paying some bills. And when you want to buy a little something for yourself, let him accuse you of being selfish.

Answer 3

Your husband is crazy. You are crazy. But, that is the result of having children. This problem is just a symptom. Both of you are under a LOOOOOOT of stress with kids, money, work, and all the rest of the day to day stuff that is life. No, he doesn't "deserve" a cycle. Nobody "deserves" toys. But, since he has already bought it, IF isn't a question Now, remember, I already mentioned that he's crazy. So, occasionly, he's gonna do crazy things. As for you, try to resist the urge to buy something YOU would like. You don't "deserve" it either. But, since, as I mentioned, you are also crazy, you probably WILL spend a few bucks on something. Just remember, it's ALLLL the fault of the children. You must remember that you and your husband are a team. You need each other to get the children raised. That WILL happen. Then, you two can enjoy the lover you picked when young, with the added enjoyment of your shared memories. And most importantly, you two can work together to get revenge on your kids for all the gray hair, nervous twitches, and high blood pressure, by spoiling THEIR kids. Drum sets, horns, finger paints, etc. just as suggestions. And, toys that require"some assembly" are good. Keep in mind, that this is minor. Your husband IS wrong. But, so what? He's been wrong before, and so have you. Cuz you're both crazy.When you love your mate, you get past wrong. You get past crazy. You even survive children.

Answer 4

Typical man! They never grow up you know! "Do as I say, not as I do"! But, I do agree with the fact that hes very financially irresponsible going out and buying a motorcycle AFTER hearing him moan & groan to you about how tight things are, he's very selfish. You need to sit him down and have a serious chit chat on priorities and needs of the family, you work hard at home, and deserve things once in a while too, his behavior is just all wrong. Maybe getting even a part time job of your own would earn you some respect!

Answer 5

You are sooooooooo right! He is soooooooooo horribly selfish and needs to grow up and stop thinking of himself. I bet he complains about the kids shoes or anything else for them or the house just so he could hoard money to buy something big and unneeded for himself, like he did. That is so childish and selfish. He has not grown up at all.

I would, personally, go and get a job. Even if it's part time, you would have extra money to get things for the kids and yourself without him having a word to say about it. Make HIM stay home with the kids while you work so he can see just how hard/big of a job it is to take care of the kids. Then, and ony then, will he see that you work just as hard as he does, if not harder, even though you don't get paid for it. What you do is the most commendable and hardest job for anyone to do.

Another thing you might think about doing is leaving the kids with him for a weekend (Friday night thru Sunday night) while you go somewhere with a friend, to see your family, or something else that you wouldn't normally do. If you do this, make up a list of the things that HAVE to be done over the weekend, and write up a contract with what you normally do every day that he has to do, when the kids naps and feeding times are, etc, and that he CANNOT get a sitter for the whole weekend, or get any help from anyone else. You can even have someone come over and check up on him to make sure that things are getting done and that he isn't hiring anyone. I bet that when you get back, he will be pulling his hair out, or ready to, and will have a new appreciation of what you do and will 'let' you buy what you want and need to buy. I would bet that he would also grow up from this. When you get home, no matter what he says about how crazy it has been, etc, just stay calm and let him know that you do this every day.

It is your choice what you do, but I would either get a job or take a weekend vacation to make him grow up and see what you do as a real job. Most guys don't see it as a real job to stay at home with the kids because you don't get paid for it.

Answer 6

This isn't about anybody being right. It's about working things out between the two of you. The motorcycle is only a symptom of what's going on, and you might want to think about counselling. From his point of view, he's give up his freedom to support you and the three children you have had together. That's a pretty big committment. I'll bet neither of you were very old when you got married, either. From your point of view, you gave up your career to be a full time mom, and that's a wonderful thing, but I know what it's like to try and have a conversation with two, three and four-year olds. You get to the point where you long for adult conversation, but when he comes home from work he's tired and not in the mood to have intelligent discussions with you. And when he's in the mood for making whoopee, you're likely exhausted from looking after three kids all day.
So there are lots of frustrations on both sides.
What happens now?
If you can, without rancour or tension, sit down and discuss what's happening.
If you can't do it without either of your losing your temper, then you need to call in a mediator -- a marriage counsellor, who can help you come to a compromise. Maybe he can give you an allowance so you can save up for something special for yourself (not an allowance to cover buying shoes for the kids. That's a given.) It's going to cost money to run the motorcycle, insure it, licence it, etc. Maybe you should have the same amount of money for whatever you want to use it for. He's going to want to spend time using that prize possession too -- again, maybe you can work out a schedule so he gets to go out and play on Saturday and you get to go out and play on Sunday while he looks after the kids.
Anyway, the best advice I can give you at this point is don't harp on the motorcycle. It's a done deal. Look ahead, and see what you can work out between you so neither of you will feel that you're getting the short end of the stick.
Hope it works out for you.

Answer 7

If you stay home and raise tend to the family, his income is dependent on you taking care of all the non-earning functions of the family. You have an equal right to make commentary and decisions. If money is tight, the motorcycle is a poor and selfish choice. It does not support your investment in providing a solid environment for your children, by draining money away form the good of the family.
The primary wage earner has no right to view his or her income as their own, when the other party is handling the more important family duties, which don't happen to produce an income. This kind of thing gives guys in general a bad name.

My demographic is SWM.

Answer 8

If your staying home and giving up a career was a mutual decision, then you're right to feel the way u do. Nevertheless, he's the sole bread winner and he has the right to feel the way he does.

Remember men are such babies when it comes down to having it their way. I don't agree with him biting about every penny you spend but if at all possible you may need to find a part time job or work from home to earn a little cash to contribute towards the expenses. I went through the same thing but I found parttime work. raising two kids, full time college student and he worked offshore 14 days straight. It made things a lot better financially and I was at home every evening with my daughters.

Answer 9

Yes, he is very selfish as he makes you pinch pennies yet he goes and buys a motorcycle. If he was more into family he would understand why children needs shoes and such. You deserve the right to be angry about this one as he has been on your back about money and then making a decision like this without your input and when he gets it totally disrecards it. If you feel you can go back to work someday I most certainly would but not unless you feel comfortable with it because of the children..

Answer 10

You have to think of it from his point also...he IS the one who is working, and he deserves the motorcycle. You should think about getting a job. This problem could eventually end in divorce if something doesn't change.

I stayed at home with my kids for a little while, and I know how important it is, but you also have to take some financial responsibility for your family!

It's a hard decision, and you two should talk it out! Decide together what to do.