I married 35yrs. ago to a minister.He had an affair with a member. may still be going on. no trust . Do I go.?

Question

I found a not on his email to her a while ago where he said he love her loved the way she kissed and a@@oo. I know it is not totally her fault but everytime I see her and that is every sunday I like reliving it all over again. My gut tells me it is not over, however, my husband says it is. My fault with her is she took jewelry money, furniture and this all started when my husband was conselling she and her husband who were having problems. Deep in my heart I suspected this long before I really new. One of the tings I did was ask he one sunday after church in my husbands presence and he told ME to get out. Now he says he doesn't even talk to her> When I told him last night that I feel he has striped me of my dignity there because he talked about me to her (lies such as I didn't want to have sex with him) we were just in the same house together. we have been to counselling but I cannot trust him . will this get better. One reason it is so hard is because he's done it at another church

he husband has devoiced her for whatever reason, I believe he found out. But hey were having troubles anyway . If he did that just compounded them.

Answer 1

I sympathize with you. My marriage was 31 yrs when it ended over a female half his age, and his treating me like crap to get to her. He was a truck driver, and had taken me thru more females than the law should allow. Actually, when I was fed up, I explained to him that the relationship's end was as much my fault as his, because I should have stopped excepting the bull---- a very long time ago. So, as it turned out, I'm single again after marrying him twice over the 31 yrs behind the same problem, being a whore-monger or womanizer. Believe me, he won't change, and you won't be able to deal with him much longer. Things will only get worse if you continue to hold on to this so call minister. You know better than anyone that the only true reason that a man and woman should be able to divorce from marriage is adultery. Nobody has to tell you this, and no one can tell you to leave the love of your life for all these years. This is a decision that only you can make in order to carry on your life for the better over time. It won't be easy by no means, and the pain will last for quite some time, so, make up your mind without letting any of us having a hands on impact.

Answer 2

Oh boy!! Sounds like you need to gather up your strength and move on. I stayed married way too long because I felt that as a Christian I shouldn't divorce. Then I realized that God doesn't call us to be in an abusive relationship. Yes, him having an affair is abuse. Really, this woman should NOT be going to your church. If your husband is an honorable man he would move heaven and earth to be sure you are happy and feeling unthreatened. He took your dignity and he doesn't seem very regretful. A minester has to be extra careful in his relationships. He deserves to of lost your trust. Be strong. You deserve much better!! Please don't let him destroy you. Stand strong and firm.
Ask him to tell the woman to go to another church. If he won't do that, then wow he really doesn't honor you!!! You know him better than anyone else does, if you don't feel trust then you are probably right on with your feelings.
Email me if you need someone who understands ok.

Answer 3

You poor thing ...what a difficult time this must be for you. I hope that you have asked for support from loved ones and maybe a physician.
or counselor.
You mention that you feel you have lost your dignity....don't give it to him....be strong....he has made a mess of his life so do not allow him to ruin yours.
I hope you think about only yourself right now and realize you have no blame in this and if you feel you cannot trust him you probably can't. What could change that would once again MAKE you trust him? Just stay safe and take care of YOU and of course pray a lot at a differ rent church than his!

Answer 4

I feel that it depends on how you still feel about him, what you feel you're going to lose and what would happen to everyone if you left. In all long relationships (we just had our 32nd anniversary) it usually comes down to what you can afford to give up or what you're willing to put up with. As a minister, it's heartbreaking that he can't keep his vows.
If you're brave enough and have proof, you could get up in front of the congregation and tell everyone what your so called "faithful" husband has done. And then leave. Have what you want and need in your car waiting outside, though. Hit the road and see where it takes you. Maybe a better life and relationship will be waiting for you.

Answer 5

Get professional counseling,,,,,,,nobody on this web site or any other web site for that matter can give you the help that you need. Seek the help of a professional, and also read Matt 6:33 @ 34....you know the Bible. Seek peace from within from the only place you're going to receive it now.....God......Please don't give up on your marriage, with the help of a professional counselor/therapist you and he may still be able to get through all of this....I know I did and it was worth all the pain and suffering. Whenever God is placed in the midst of any crisis it is turned into experience, and all experiences are not negative ones.....Best wishes to you both...

Answer 6

My solution to his philandering is to expose him to the congregation, and then to his superiors. He is trying to intimidate you by embarrassing you in church. Turn the tables on him, then run his blessed a$$ out of the house. No this will not get better. He does not respect you enough to at least be descreet enough and not have an affair with a local woman. I'm not saying it's ok for him to do it, merely making a point to show you he is a lost cause, 5 years, 35 years, it still hurts, and you absolutely have to take the inititive action here. He has brought shame upon himself, you, and his church. OUT HE SHOULD GO !!

Answer 7

Are there children involved? If Not please pack your bags and go. Once a cheater always a cheater. A man can only do top you what you allow. Set your expectations and stick by them. Leave him for 30 days and see how things go... And as far as church got o another one, because he needs to be sat down, because he is not practicing what he preaches. He is having an affair and has no remorse? How can God honor that. Don't allow your soul to be in jeopardy because he is not living according to his word. Talk to God and see what his plan is for your life. Everything happens for a reason and he is the only one who can help. But I bet this has happened to make you stronger, you have to be able to Love yourself before you can Love a Man.

Answer 8

I've been in this situation before.The church split after the preacher confessed to the congregation,that he kissed another women.The reason why he confessed is b/c he felt like he had to step down.And the reason way he tried to kiss someone else is b/c He knew his wife cheated on him with so many men and the towns people knew it.But he shared a kiss with another, he condemned his self so much that he gave up his church.As of 10 years later his wife is still cheating.You would not expect that from her but she is and each time it's always with her bosses.

Answer 9

If it quacks like a duck then its a duck. If it seems to still be going on then it is.
NO ONE SHOULD EVER have to look at their husband's mistress or former lover on a regular basis. Your husband is demeaning you. You do not deserve to be treated this way. I don't care who your husband is or what he does for a living, he is not an honorable man. 35 years is too long to have wasted on someone who doesn't respect you. I am sorry to say it so simply as I know 35 years is a long commitment and there is a lot of emotion involved but, DO NOT WASTE ANOTHER SECOND OF YOUR LIFE ON THIS MAN.
Believe in yourself, God would not expect you to live this way or feel this way. Find yourself, leave him, you will be relieved and eventually find peace within yourself.
Good luck, I feel for you. Leave him.

Answer 10

This husband is a minister and he's doing what he preaches others not to do? Puhleazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, the guy needs to stop preaching for one thing and you need to get away from him, once a liar always a liar, once a cheat always a cheat. I wouldn't trust him on anything he said about any situation. chalk it up for another minister with horns Gag! Once you've lost trust with the one you love, it is always going to be hard to deal with it, you'll feel like you are walking on egg shells, you'll feel like a detective just waiting for him to do something else wrong. Give yourself a break , lose about 170 lbs by divorcing him. We don't need another preacher that frauds what he preaches .... you are better than that :)