So How does a person go about finding love for themselves so they can love their spouse and be loved?

Question

Someone answered my last question about my marriage with the statement that you can't be loved or love when you don't love yourself. I believe this to be true but how do you build a love for yourself? And to the person that asked if I was faultless, of coarse not, I am the problem, being depressed and negative and overly sensitive. He just quit talking though and I don't know how to get our relationship back without communication...

Answer 1

Hi there, I have just found this site and am interested in sharing some of the helpful ifo I have come accross in my graduate and post- graduate studies in psychology & counselling (including realtionships) while I complete the final subjects for my supervised placement. Good practice - so let me know how you go....I am having to jump to conclusions and make some real guesses here, without meeting you!

Firstly, about needing to love yourself first - there are 2 reasons for this. One is that other people will find it easier to love you if you come accross as a worthwhile person - and you can only put this out if you believe it yourself.

Often we reinforce negative stuff about ourselves through the way we talk about ourselves - listen to they way you talk and the way you tell your 'stories' are they always slanted towards you being hopeless in some way?

Also, when we are feeling very 'needy' (we all do, at times) we are very much focussed on ourself - rather than being empathetic to whats going on with others. I'm sure you are focussed on your husband - but maybe only in terms of how his behaviour relates to you.

Perhaps his lack of communication is the only way he can cope with your behaviour & feelings - some people dont seem to have many skills in handing others sensitivities. You will never know why he is doing this but you can accept and work with it. Sometimes it is better to just feed-back someones behaviour, tell them how you react to it, what you would like from them and then let them be to do it, or not do it (their choice) in their own time.

For example, you could tell him that you've noticed that he doesnt seem to want to communicate. That it does upset you because you dont understand why. And that it would be great if you two could talk about what you both want, when you are both ready.

No blame, no 'you, you, you', no interpreting, labelling, blaming yourself. Own (take responsibility) for your own feelings, behavour and show acceptance of what he is going through - including acceptance that you don't fully understand it.

Some people believe that men need to 'withdraw into their cave' when they feel threatened or uncomfortable. Emotions (theirs or someone elses) often do this to them. You may have heard of the book 'men are from mars, women are from venus', by John Grey.

But getting back to your own self esteem, a suggestion: write a list of the things you do well (even seemingly little or insignificant), the people who have given you encouragement and good feedback, aspects of yourself that you consider to be valuable to yourself, your friends or
the world in general.

I believe that we all need to actively incorporate all these things into our lives more. Do more of what makes you feel good, spend more time with people who give you good vibes, rather than negative, create beauty and love in your life where you can. Helping others is also a really good way to get yourself out of dark moods.

I believe that, deep down, most of us have self-doubt, including most of the most amazing people in the world. It is always going to be an ongoing struggle. Just remember, our relationships can only be a reflection of how we treat ourselves.

You have to accept that you will never be able to impress everybody, and those who are closest to us often seem to appreciate us less. We all usually take our luck and good things for granted.

Accept that others have their own issues and will relate to yours in ways that you would not choose them to. Be careful not to 'interpret' everything than happens in terms of your own value.

Good luck, Eleanor

Answer 2

Invest in some magazines like Redbook, Oprah and go to the bookstore and get some books on relationships that are inexpensive. Get an adult video and ask your husband to look at it with you. Start touching him gently, giving him hugs and never turn down the gesture of being romantic when he suggest and initiate more in your romantic area of comfort and see what happens?

I don't care how old you are no one wants to stop being loved. The advice the previous person gave you was good.

You yourself got to start feeling happy about life in general and feeling good about yourself. You are your own person and life is what you make it.

Answer 3

Take a good look at the things that are good about you, then take a hard look at what is not good. Be free with congratulations for yourself when you do good, false modesty won't help you at all. When you do wrong (eg. be selfish, put yourself last when you deserve to be first, say something you know is hurtful just for the temporary satisfaction of it, etc.) face up to it. If you owe an apology, give it, and don't expect one in return. A gift is only a gift if you don't expect something in return. Above all, try not to beat yourself up about things that you can't control. You can't control how anyone is going to react to you, you can't force anyone to talk if they don't want to. Just start being honest with yourself, about the good and the bad, and straightforward in your relationships (no one can read minds, we can only read behaviors), and you will find the people around you may come and go, but the quality of those people will continually rise as you become truer to yourself. I struggled with exactly your problem for many years and the success I had in dealing with it came entirely from being honest with myself. I was sad for a long time that I wasn't who I wanted to be, but as I solved my problems (with honesty) one by one, I came to love myself for my good qualities and to not brutalize myself for the things I still needed to work on. I really hope you can find it in yourself to forgive your faults, just as long as you remember that forgiveness doesn't absolve you from having to fix them. Good luck and take care.

Answer 4

You have to accept yourself. Surrender to yourself and KNOW that YOU are good enough and deserving of everything good that comes to you. Iyanla Vanzant writes some fabulous books about this. Also, if you can, start watching the t.v. show "Starting Over." It will she d light on this issue for you.

Answer 5

i agree with the person that answered your ? about loving yourself before you can truly love another person. i began to build a love for myself by accepting me for me, not someone's version of what should be. i read daily inspirations that "speak" to me. i stopped criticizing myself so harshly. you've got to know that you're worthwhile and repeatedly communicate that to yourself, and refuse to be your enemy. we all have faults, and make errors but you've got to accept that as part of life and change what you can. understand that change is a conscious, gradual and daily effort. you can be happy realizing change and watching the bloom blossom, or you can stay as you are and be in a tailspin of misery. there is a consequence to every choice we make.

Answer 6

Take some time apart. That is what I would do. When you go, you can call him. Take that time to find yourself and do something you have always wanted to do. I bet that would help.

Answer 7

Just give it time. When the time comes it will happen.