somebody i am down and lonely,and i can't sleep,A good joke??

Question

do you know a good joke ?no ugly answers please

thanks to all of you helping me

Answer 1

This might look a bit long, but is worth the read.Enjoy.

A particularly backwards hick walks into a bar and buys a drink. As he goes to sit down he sees a dog and goes to pet it when the barman warns him off, "That there is a prize winning fighting dog, never lost a bout, made me a shed load of money. He'll tear your arm off without blinking. Best stay away, friend."
The guy says"Really? I've got my pooch outside in my truck, and she never lost a scrap either."
"What breed is your dog?"
"It's a short-legged long-backed bug-eyed water whippet" replied the man,"and I got a fifty she can take yours on no problem".
The guy leads the way outside to his van,opens the door, and kicks the barman's prize winner in, slamming the door behind it.
For the next 30 seconds the van is rocking back and forth, there's barking, gnashing and wailing from the van and then it just stops.
The barman opens the door, looks inside, and pulls out a sack of bloody fur and bone that used to be his dog, and looks back into the van again.
"what breed did you say your dog was?" he asks.
"It's a short-legged long-backed bug-eyed water whippet" he replies.
"You ******, around here we call them crocodiles!"says the barman.

Answer 2

A mother and father have six sons and each son has one sister. How many people are in that family?

ANSWER~~~ 9





A new pastor moved to town and went out to visit the community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one would come to the door. He knocked several times and finally left a card, wrote on the back "Rev:3:20, stuck it in the door and left. The next day as he was counting the offering in the collection plate, he found a card; below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage, he let out a roar of laughter! Revelation 3:20 reads (Pastors note) "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man shall hear my voice.and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me." "Genesis 3:10 reads "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.

A nickel and a dime were rolling across the edge of the bridge, the nickel fell off, why didn't the dime?

THE DIME HAD MORE CENTS
LOL,LOL


How do u make a kleenex dance????

YOU PUT SOME BOOGIE IN IT



We take English for granted.But if we explore its paradoxes,we find that quicksand.........
can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? y? Y? ?Y ?Y ?Y ? Y?

which room can’t we live in???

broom and mushroom

Answer 3

A koala was sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says "Hey Koala ! wh at are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have a hit."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they smoke a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard: "What's the matter with you cuz?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing the joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:


"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude~.......how much water did you drink?!!"


Hope you feel better, hang in there.

Answer 4

Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the
United States.
1st place This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma
City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago motor
home. On his trip home from an Oklahoma University football game,
having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and
calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a
cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the RV left the freeway,crashed and
overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the
owner's manual that he could not actually do this. The jury awarded him
$1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago motor home. The company actually
changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case there were
any other complete morons buying their recreational vehicles.

Answer 5

A bear and a bunny are walking around in the forest and they come upon a magic lamp. The two decide to pick it up and rub it at the same time. I giant blue gene pops out and says that he will give them each three wishes. The two argue for a moment and the bear is picked to go first. The bear breaks into a huge smile and says that his first wish is to be the only male bear in the forest. The gene nods and his wish is granted. The bunny wishes for a motorcycle and again the gene nods and a motor cycle appears. The bunny goes over and gets on the motor cycle and tries it out. The bear smiles at the gene and makes his second wish. "I wish to be the only male bear in the next forest over too." The bear says and the gene nods and it was done. The bunny then makes his second wish. "I want to never run out of gas in my motor cycle," He says to the gene as he puts on his little helmet and tucks under his ears. The gene nods and it is done. The bear breaks out in a huge smile ready to make his final wish. "I want to be the only male bear in the world." The gene nods and the wish is granted. The bunny starts smiling and guns the engine to the motorcycle. "I'm ready to make my last wish gene." The gene bows and says, "What do you wish master?" "My final wish is for that bear to be gay." "Wish granted master" The gene said and nodded as the bear growled and the bunny on the motorcycle drove off.

Answer 6

Man at the store: can I have a mars bar?
Teller: What size?
Man: It doesn't matter, my house is on fire!!



What's the difference between a shark and a lemon?
They both swim except the lemon.

Answer 7

Ring up a pizza parlour and ask if they do takeaways.When they say "yes" ask them whats 9 minus 5

Answer 8

a rope walks into the bar and the bar tender kicks him out saying that he is not welcome there because he is a rope. The then walks out of the bar and goes around the corner and ties himself into a knot and frizzles and frayes both ends of himself.

Answer 9

Go to www.girlsarepretty.com you will laugh your *** off..
Then go to you tube..and look up BROOKERS
you will laugh again..on You TUBE...Emmalina is Funny too

Answer 10

what do u call a russian with 3 balls?........
who d'ya nikabollokoff