what do you think of my poem?

Question

Dream
White rose with wing
Lives high in the sky
Thoug it is in the spring
Yet up cannot fly.
For the rainbow cannot come cross
Change its colour to pink to wine
Bloom among the rest and gloss
With different essences will combine
Above the clouds where its sand
From cloud to cloud it will jump
When it is night thee will find
Shiny star , none to nap
Forever and ever to thee
Forever and ever to me.

O.k I am the flower and my lover is the rainbow.He foresake me . If he come back I will be happy ,flying, jumping ,blooming,..etc. he would never come back to me. I am dreaming of his returns.and this is the dream the title of the poem.

Answer 1

eliminate all unneeded words,
use a thesaurus (though not too much) for some more interesting words,
reevaluate your VERB choices. they should be stronger than "lives" etc,
use some sort of form (stanzas),
don't use cliches (usually avoid the word dream, forever)

These are suggestions from a published poet (me!)

You can still express the thoughts of forever without saying the word. Use more concrete descriptions! For more help, [e-mail]. Good luck...you have potential.

Your friend, Sage

Answer 2

I am assuming that the title is "Dream". Well, apart from the grammatacil errors, it is metaphorical and sets me thinking. I am not too sure that what I feel is what you set out to draw out of me giving me the impression that you are feeling something too deeply, too deep for me to understand. I get the sense that the story is not complete, that this is a reaction to something that occurred that only you can understand. But hey, that is art so keep on!

Answer 3

i'm afraid i have to agree with bugsy. you use words really well and make nice rhythms, but ... what's it about?

and there are a couple of lines where it's unclear what you want to say because of the grammar.

sorry - i know it's a really personal thing putting your poetry on here, but comments like these don't mean your poem's bad, just that maybe it needs a little work.

Answer 4

Honestly speaking :-

1) spelling & grammatical errors
2) it doesn't make sense. It doesn't tell me what the poem is about. Poems aren't just about rhyming with words - it has to say something.
3) Nett, I can't call it a poem. Sorry.

Answer 5

did not make any sense to me sand above clouds roses with wings poetry to some maybe ithink its total garbage sorry better luck next time

Answer 6

honost cretique from someone who knows nothing about poetry.. its a little vague, a little sophmoric, lacks a little soul... but i realty think your on to something. i think you have a talent for this. i feel you enjoied doing this and your pretty happy with it [and should be] yours is the only oppinion that counts... does the poem express what your trying to convey? i think if you continue, and be more demamding of yourself you will soon writing more soul inspired poetry... i think that can only comes from more life expierences and deap self understanding of how you realy feel.''''anyway is your poem about a sea gull?? thats what it made me think of?!?!?

Answer 7

it is really really good my dear
it shows that u r clean hearted and a creative person
ur imaginations fly in the vast sky and u can pick ur dreams and give them words and able to present in ur own special way
i am gonna save ur peom in my diary
thanks dear

Answer 8

i like this poem, anyway i am not a good poet. But the main theme is related to nature.

Answer 9

Did you write this?

It is quite good.

Well Done

Answer 10

dats realy nice.uve gt poetic talent.