I have been cheating and feel trapped in the mess self-created?

Question

I am 39 married for 17 years with three kids (2 sons and daughter aged 3) and a loving supportive and gentle husband. I have been very lucky and I am scared that something worse and very ugly is going to happen due to my own stupidity and selfishness. I have allowed infidelity to crape-into my marital life, thoughtless to say the least. I have secretly engaged in casual sexual activities and hoped that I do not get caught; it seemed such a great idea then because I selfishly wanted to have fun and a bit of adventure outside marriage and lust got the better of me. My husband neither drink nor smoke and he is a principled, decent person whom I have taken for granted. I have had casual drinks with friends at social gatherings just for fun and I know he wouldn’t approve such behaviour. I have engaged in sexual dates during my lunchtime at the hotels/homes and at times after work. Hes been asking probing questions these days & fear that he knows something.Should I confess & ask 4 4giveness

Answer 1

Well, hon, unfortunately you are trapped in a self created mess and you will have to face the consequences of your actions when they are revealed. Do I think your husband knows? Of course he knows! He may not know about it in concrete, factual terms, but he knows something is going on based on your actions, behavior and the subtle clues you've left behind. Unfortunately, when we are thrust into the throes of lust and passion, even though we tend to think we are being secretive and subtle about it, we aren't. In fact, we are screaming it across a loudspeaker. How? By the way we dress, act, and so forth. According to a private investigator I know, 98% of the partners of people that are having affairs KNOW that this is what is going on because they have "intuited" it. Thus, your hubby is asking probing questions to verify what he senses in you. It is possible however, and you need to be aware of this, that others have seen you with your lover, and may have reported it back to your husband. Again, as subtle and as cool as we think we are, we aren't. People watch.

Do I think you should confess? Yes I do. This is risky because he may become so hurt and betrayed by your actions he may file for divorce, but this is a chance you have to take. Remember, as an adult you have to be responsible for your actions in life, and you have to sometimes pay the consequences for your actions. He may want to divorce you, or maybe he won't. In fact, he may want you to go for marriage counseling together to work it through. But you won't know this for sure until you carefully and sensitively discuss this with him.

Chances are he is going to want to know why you did this and you are going to have to look deep within yourself to find the root causes of your actions. You absolutely must take ownership of your actions, and apologize accordingly. You can't change the past now, but you can remedy it by acknowledging what you did and taking action to resolve the problem, build trust again with your partner, and forgive yourself. Look within. On the surface many of us venture into affairs because we want a different kind of attention from another man than what we are getting at home. Sometimes, we are drawn to someone because they possess something that our partner doesn't and we find it captivating. Sometimes we want to spice up our lives and have a bit of adventure, just as you said. But usually the root cause of our actions, beneath the excitement and forbidden nature of it all, is that we feel unappreciated, unloved, and undervalued by our partners and think - hope really -that someone else will give that to us. What we want, in effect, is a boost to our low self esteem, which is something we can garner from within ourselves rather than having to get it from outside sources.

The bottom line is simple: You are going to have to face the music, hon. I know you are scared of this, but maintaining a secret will create a larger wedge between you. This is far more damaging to a relationship because relationships must be built on honesty and trust, and without that, you have nothing. Relationships with secrets are doomed to fail because secrets always have a way of coming to the surface. And finally, unresolved issues between the two of you will affect not only your marriage, but your kids as well, and that isn't fair to them.

I wish you good luck.

Answer 2

No - Just learn from your mistake and turn the corner now.

If you confess you may lose everything and even if your husband forgives you he will never forget.

Obviously the fear of his potentially finding out has made you realise the price you may pay for your choices and has probably gievn you the impetus to change.

First off. Forgive yourself. At the base of all this you were bored and seeking some excitement. You did not intentionally seek to harm anyone. So it is not so bad.

Now. Draw a line between the past and now and do not go back.

Finally start treating your husband better. You appreciate him now so show him. If he asks questions find away of distracting him that he'll enjoy

Good luck

Answer 3

Telling him everything won't help the situation. STOP seeing other people now and concentrate on your home life if you truly don't want to lose him. We all need a bit of excitement from time to time but casual sex is not the best way to go about it, ask your husband to try something new with you, doesnt have to be sexual. Or if its that side that needs spicing up then get some dvd's out and learn together. Don't risk it all for nothing.

Answer 4

I would first seek professional help. Go to a therapist and talk with them. Even before that, stop the behaviors as much as possible.

You may find that these behaviors are compulsive - that you can't stop them. If that is the case, there is help in the form of support groups. You may want to look up Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and see if those motivations and actions fit what you are feeling and doing.

There is also a support web site of www.survivinginfidelity.com. They have people who are/were wandering spouses - and have been where you are now. They can listen and offer support and thoughts for what you need to do.

You are in a web of deception and lack of trust. Not only from your husband, but it sounds like you don't even trust yourself - not a good situation to be in a marriage when you can't even trust yourself. Definitely seek out the professional help to talk these things over with someone who can coach you on whether to reveal and how much to reveal to your husband. Think about the other support groups, and if they would benefit you.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Unfortunately, the betrayal here will be what hurts him the most. I've been on the receiving end of a spouses betrayal and it is hell. Don't hide this anymore - it will be the hardest thing you ever do -to tell him but if you're really sorry then you need to come clean. I stayed with my husband and it's been 6 years since I found out. It is fixable but it will take a tremendous amount of work --- this will not be over when you tell him. That will be the beginning of a long road back to trusting ....if your husband is as good of a man as you say, then you owe it to him to be up front and honest. The lie will eat away at you and probably end up ruining your marriage anyway. Admit your mistakes. Let him be hurt and angry - he has that right at least.
Best of luck to you.

Answer 6

It would seem that your sex life with your husband is not good especially when you have to go to others to get it. Maybe you should try and look at ways in fulfilling your sexual desires within your marriage rather than outside it. Do you think your husband is satisfied with the sex you give him (if any)? If your husband has found out about your extra marital going on is he the type of man who will say nothing? If he has found out then you need to talk to him and decide what you really want.

Answer 7

What you should do is to cease and desist doing ALL of the above immediately.....that is if you want your relationship to work out. Then you need to get your head around the "why" of what you have been doing. Is there some reason you want to hurt him? If not, why start NOW! You are the one who is at fault here, and YOU are the one who deserves punishment. You obviously feel very badly about this, and I can see no reason to make him feel as badly as you do.....it's not HIS fault after all. Don't ditch all this on him just to ease YOUR conscious. You started it alone, so suffer through it alone. The one you really need forgivness from is God.

I've been there and done that (although not quite to THAT extent) and I never let him find out. I suffered through the devestation all by myself, and for the last 20 years we have had a very loving, stable, relationship.

Answer 8

Hi. It's good that you have come to a personal realization that you have messed up. I suggest you immediately stop the unfaithfulness and concentrate on your husband and children. With time, you will find an appropropriate moment to tell him the truth- or maybe never need to. That way, you save him a major heartbreak and the family chaos that accompanies these kinds of confessions. All the best.

Answer 9

you are a very selfish and inconsiderate human being. the reason why you are thinking of confessing is because you just realised you are about to get caught. if not for the questions hes been asking you won't think twice about what you are doing.

It makes me sick that people say their vows and not only fail to keep them but to also have the decency of being open and walking away from a marriage if they feel they need to engage in other sexual activities.

you have to confess and if you don't the truth will come out anyway. you have to reap what you sow.

Answer 10

I like the way that just about all the women answering this question say "Oh no don't confess"!
You aren't even calling this cheating a one off thing, you have been at it for ages!!
And now you are 'frightened' of the consequences? if hubby finds out!!
Yes confess tell him "I'm sorry but I am a 'slapper' and I have been a slapper for a long time , please forgive me"??
You must be joking or hubby is a complete nut if he could ever forgive and trust you again.
So pack your bags and this will enable you to go full time 'slapping' about, you may even find another mug to marry!!!
Look for a 'good' Christian feller, they are right into all that forgiving stuff!!

Answer 11

no don't confess. just stop it now and start being the wife you say you want to be. living with the guilt will be your punishment but if you want to split up then tell him. I think you're marriage is less than perfect for you to seek something else and you need to find out eactly what is missing for you. try talking about that and don't just dump your guilt on this guy. if he guess tho' you're stuffed and will have to face the end of the relationship and move on. Be brave and shoulder the burden on your own and it may still work out.