What would you do if...?

Question

You had a friend who hung round with you ALL the time because she had no-one else and she was there even when you were talking with your boyfriend and prevented you talking to any other of your friends and then complained about you not paying her enough attention e.g. not being with her for over an hour, and told you that you were neglecting your other friends because you were spending too much time with your bf when this wasn't true at all as you tried so hard to make time for your other friends but everytime you went to talk to one of them she'd immediatly come over saying: "what you talking about? Tell me, tell me, tell me!" and then take over the conversation completely and gradually push your other friend out. And if you ever even vaguely suggested how you felt about this and that she was treating you unfairly she'd go into a big strop and be upset for ages because she so overly sensitive.
I have a friend exactly like this at a small school so theres no escape- please help!

She's not interested in getting a bf and no-one's interested in her either. The reason she's with me is because everyone else in my class including her best friend has rejected her coz she's so dominating, nosy, irritating and self opinionated (I feel really bad saying this but it's true). She can be good fun sometimes but it's so draining having her there ALL the time. It'd be ok otherwise but i can't MAKE her be with other people. It's so hard!

Answer 1

I'm afraid the only way you are going to stop this is to just be brutally blunt with her. It sounds cruel, but people like her usually don't the get the message if you beat around the bush. She obviously wants ALL your attention. She throws a tantrum when you say something to her to put a guilt trip on you. She obviously lost a lot of friends because she acts this way. She is suffocating and I give you credit for dealing with it, but I see you are at a breaking point and before this goes further, put a complete stop to it.

I would air out all of your feelings to her emphasizing that you can no longer tolerate her behavior. Tell her unless she backs off and gives you some space you want nothing to do with her at all. She will be upset of course, throw her tantrum, but eventually she will get over it. It might prompt her to take a look at herself, the way she acts and why she can't make friends and she might even thank you one day.

I do emphasize be brutally blunt, if you aren't this problem will persist.

Answer 2

This is an easy one. You have expressed your issues and give examples of such behavior. It appears that you care about the person enough to try and find a solution.

You should let her know that she can not take love or friendship from anyone. She can only be a friend or love another. In trying to take friendship or love, the person targeted most often "unwillingly" will try and show friendship or love to get the person to stop. Unfortunately it is not genuine, because it has not been given freely. So, the cycle continues. The person tries so hard at satisfying that need, that she takes what she can get, which is not real. So she tries harder next time.

Let her know you care and have her read your question. I know that I am the only one that change the way I am. Unfortunately I can't change a habit that I didn't know I have.

We all have "routines" that we go through for one reson or another. Most often we are never aware of them until a friend ask.

Answer 3

Firstly, congratulations for being a compassionate human, even against all odds like having this person hanging around you!

That same compassion you show in not completely shunning her when everyone else has washed their hands of her, is the same sompassion you are going to have to use to be cruel to be kind.

She will just have to cope when you tell her that sometimes she is just too full on and you do not have the energy for it all the time, and that there are times you like to spent your time doing other things that may not necessarily involve her. If she cops a strop, ho hum, sh*t happens. She'll live and no doubt, she'll come back a better friend.

Remind her that she is fun, but no one can have icecream for every meal, just because they like it - it gets tiresome and hard to swallow if that's all you get to eat.

Be firm, be honest, but remember you are telling her to chill a bit for the sake of the part of the friendship you have that you really care about.

Good luck.

Answer 4

If you are brave enough you could mention all the things that you have listed to the friend in a quiet calm location. Failing this it is a very insecure person that does all the things you have described.

You could ask her why she feels like this and try to come up with some reasons for this behaviour. The reason the person has no other friends is because most people will find what you have described as uncomfortable.

The only real answer is to try to talk to her about it and explain your reasons, but this is very difficult. You could explain that you are her friend you will always be her friend, but also have other friends who are just as important. If you hang round with them it doesn't mean you dont like her anymore.

This is a really hard one to resolve. Good luck.

Answer 5

Are you still at home? ask your parents to write up rules for having friends over. Have them in writting and tell her that she can't be at your place all of the time.

She is very passive agressive. thats how she controls you. She is sweet, then she has her feelings hurt. Thus you are in a cycle and she is winning. It sounds like she is living vicariously through you. You sound like a wonderful kind person. You might have to sit her down and tell her you love having her as a friend, but you need to have boundries - write them out. If she is predictalble she will fall apart and cry and do everything to make you feel bad, Don't give in to her emotions. Otherwise this girl will be hanging on to you forever. Or you just might help her with her social skills.
Good luck

Answer 6

I know what your going through i went through the same thing when i was at school. She seems to really want to be with you and has a problem with jealousy. She has put you on a very high pedestal. You need to talk to her if she sees you as a good friend she will listen to you. You have to tell her tactfully that you do have other friends whom you wish to talk to and you are in a relationship. If she cared about you this much she will understand you have more than one priority and she is still one of them. Tell her your really value her friendship (that's if you do) but also you need time to spend with other people. My friend accepted this and we are still friends now. If she walks away from you at least you know that you haven't pushed all your friends away because of this one person and its her loss.

Answer 7

you obviously care and don't want to hurt her feelings...
However, what is clear is that she has some kind of problem... whatever that may be...

Now let's see a real friend would.... ask a school counsellor for example to have a word with the person concerned as she needs to talk to someone about this...

you could also start by being less avalable...but do not shut her out of your life altogether...there MAY come a time when you need her.... who knows!

Good luck with it.

:-)

Answer 8

Hmmm its a toughie!! Well you need to decide first if you want to maintain the friendship with her - if not tell her f off and ignore phonecalls/texts and blank her when you see her - it may take a while but she'll get the hint!
If you want to maintain the friendship explain to her that shes crowding you and you feel that if it continues you wont be able to maintain the friendship with her as she's turning you off her.
Encourage her to join a club and meet new people.
If she persists in being annoying when you're with your friends, ignore her and point out that if shes going to keep being push y - you'll ignore her altogether

Answer 9

Have you ever seen that part of the movie where the main charater has to send a pet off into the world? Well, this is how it goes, you take your ungrateful friend to the mall; stand directly in front of her and say, "This is it! This is where we go our seperate ways. You go that way, and I'll go this way. Go! Git! Shoo! Go-On now! GO! Be free!" In some cases you might have to grab something to throw at her, so that she can get the message. jk All in all you're going to have to be the bigger woman in this situation. I can't lie, it's gonna hurt. But better this now, than your other relationships later. -courage.

Answer 10

If I was you, I would be firm but kind to her. Being a conservative person, I would think your time spent with her is better spent than your time with your boy friend, as it is a sin in my religion to be with a male that you are not married to, if you are an adult female.

BUT, that is just me. It seems this friend of yours is insecure and needs to feel love and affection of a friend. Be kind, but do not let her dominate you, using your compassion for her benefit, as you will soon run out of compassion for her and feel bad for no reason. Does she not have any brothers or sisters?

May be she needs to get married.. lol.