I am married, how do I stop these feelings for another man?

Question

he is a friend of mine and my husbands. he is also married with children. Before you judge me, let me tell you i know it was wrong, it is over now. our chat went from friendly to sexual. very sexual, a few pictures, and detailed chat. we had planned to meet but it didn't work out. I finally ended it because I was tierd of him chatting with me then not having any contact with me for days, or weeks. it has been over a month now and all i do is think of him and miss him so much. it has affected my emotions to where i am in depression and my moods are up and down. it hurts me too because here i am hurting and he is fine with his grand life. anyway i know this is my consequence i'm just wondering if anyone has gone through something similar and how did you get over it???

Answer 1

Many people think that when you are married it means that you will never meet someone or see someone you are attracted to or like. The fact of the matter is nothing could be further from the truth. You are not dead simply married.

What makes the difference is how you conduct yourself and how you channel that energy and focus those feelings. You may not be able to help how you feel but you do have control over how you react, what you do and what you say about the matter.

The issue here is commitment and how you need to re-focus that commitment to your husband and your marriage. Marriage takes work and a deep commitment on both parties involve towards making it work, keeping it strong, healthy and mutually satisfying.

I don't think your issue is the other man rather its perhaps your fear that you are not enough and what you may feel is missing from the relationship you now. Perhpas gone or deminished is the sense of adventure, the explicit attention, the looks that speaks volumes, the focus that is so intense that it’s a turn on and make you feel sensual as a woman and desired. That’s the issue.

It would be prudent to examine exactly what it is that attracted to you to this man, it is in the behaviour, the roles you play, and the habits and ethos you exhibited when you were doing the mating dance with each other. That is what you have to capture and channel into yourself and your marriage. You have to infuse it with that adrenaline and transfuse it into your relationship

It starts with you. The things you need, want and desire from your husband give it. Simone de Beauvoir once said that "The curse which lies upon marriage is that, too often the individuals are joined in their weakness rather than in their strength--each asking from the other instead of finding pleasure in giving".

Teach your husband how to treat you
Teach him how to desire you
Teach how to love you

There is no shame in expressing yourself freely, if you cannot do it with the man you have chosen to share you life with then with whom? If you are to get what you want you must be willing to ask for it, give it and be woman enough and confident enough to know you deserve it. Your husband cannot read you mind, and you cannot be afraid to be vulnerable with him, that is what love it, you cannot be afraid to communicate honestly and from the heart. You do not need to give it away, hide it away or throw it away. Express it with the man you married, lovingly and passionately do not communicate your desires in anger, he will not hear you because he will have is defences up protecting himself against the on slaughter.

Its important to know and remember that men want to be loved, desire, and wanted just as women. They may not speak it but they want and yearn for it just as badly.

You have a responsibility to yourself and your happiness and you must invest in you. You be the best you can be, live your dream and be happy and your will get the best of you because you will be your best. Your husband no matter how much he loves you cannot fill you up entirely because he does not live in your head. You cannot find yourself esteem, self-worth, desire and value in a man, all that treasure lies within you. You are the key, you hold the answers.

Love the one you'r with.

Answer 2

Don't mistake depression with guilt. They are very close, and the affair sounds one sided. As you stated, he is a friend of you and your husband. I think it is safe to say, he is no real friend. This is a hard thing to divulge to a spouse, but that will have to be your choice. If you continue to see each other and/or chat, it is only a matter of time before someone finds out. The longer it goes on the more it will hurt everyone. It is better for you and him to concentrate on bonding with your own mate, rather than expend time and energy planning a meeting. This will make a bad situation worse. Focus on the reasons you married your husband in the first place and hold on tight.
One final thought. If you did it and got away with it, some people, you included may find yourself in a situation thinking that: "If I did it, and got away with it, he can too." Therefore, the damage has been done. It will take a very strong relationship to keep things going, and maybe professional counseling. Good luck and all the best.

Answer 3

Well, I hope your Husband does subscribe to yahoo answers, If so, your problem will be solved very shortly unless your under a new name.But in all fairness, relationships are very tough and you should be sure that your not just looking for a good time with some1 else at the expense of your spouse. Try showing all the love and attention your putting on this other guy onto your husband, something magical might happen, if not, then atleast you know where you stand.

Answer 4

No one can judge you. We all make makes mistakes. Our flesh will lust after others because we are human. Not justifying what you did is right, but at least you came to realize it before you made a huge mistake. You knew he was married w/children to begin with. Honestly, what where the odds that this was going to go any further than just sex. You will be OK. It's not like it was something serous to begin with. Just two people wanting to hook up and try something different. You know you did something wrong and God will forgive you if you truly are sorry. Good Luck!

Answer 5

The problem you have wont go away by leaving your husband and taking up with your lover.... the problem that made you go to the lover in the first place will go with you and will surface again and again in every relationship you have until you fix it.... Fix your current relationship and all your relationships will be good and not destructive.... leave the lover alone for a while and seek professional help....your low self esteem, self worth and loneliness will be a factor in this but its very correctable with good help.... If you can get your husband to go with you....he could probably do with some help with relationship skills... most men prefer not to communicate rather than face their own fears so if they feel threatened by loss of love or wife etc...will shut down and keep their distance without knowing why they do it.... The best thing you can do is to seek professional help fast.

Answer 6

I think the hardest relationships to get over are the ones we shouldn't have had. Guilt, however, will only make you feel worse, or better, depending on whether you like to self-flagellate (beat yourself up). Instead, start finding ways to be more loving toward the one who deserves your love, your husband. It's too easy to get "cheap" thrills online and to think that they really mean anything. But you are not alone. Many have done the same and survived, and stayed happily married even. And I do speak from experience.

Answer 7

If you are feeling this way over another man, you should not be married.

Answer 8

this is a common thing on the net,it happens a lot everywhere.so now throw your energy into your marriage and do things together,go out, walk,anything.remember he only wanted one thing;and before you say" no i wasn't like that, he loves me".take a look at what he is doing now,nothing but be married,and at his house with his family,not with you is he. So now move on be a wife to your husband,look towards the future.

Answer 9

Been there done that!!!Then I found out that it hurts everyone involved and really the children. If your unhappy seek help if that doesn't help get a divorce then if he gets single go for it if one stays married it won't work at all unless you like being used for BOODY CALL????

Answer 10

I know someone has been through this situation and the only thing i could say is that try to keep yourself occupied don't chat with him or answer his calls if he calls you. Try not too get upset it is not worth it . Try to stay away i know it is hard. I was there for my friend and she was devastated. He only looked for her when it was good for him.She kept herself occupied with other things .I hope this helped a little.