If someone doesn't know if they love you does that mean they don't?

Question

My husband and I are married for 9 years and have 2 kids. The last 4 years had been a nightmare, but we made it through. He had issues with his family which he took it out on me. The turning point was when I finally fought back. I admit I am a person of extremes - all or nothing. I thought things were worked out and okay, now (after a year) he says he doesn't know if he can forgive everyone involved, me and him included and doesn't know if he loves me. I say you either love someone and want to spend the rest of your lives together or you don't. He claims love is not that simple.
We made it through h*ll and now we can't seem to make it through the day-to-day. I feel petty for sticking out the rough patch and being willing to give up now. I am afraid I will regret it if I leave, but am also afraid he is staying for the wrong reasons.

My husband and I did try counseling last year. He didn't really participate, but would go. I went on my own and haven't thought about the bad times for the last 6 months. He brings them up and our serious conversations keep going around and around. I know he is depressed, but I have been there and realize nobody else can pull you out. Thanks sooo much for your answers.

Answer 1

To answer your direct question, which no one seems to have done: NO. If they say they don't know, it means they have feelings for you, but they don't want to admit or verbalize that those feelings can be called "love."

Counselling may or may not help, depending on how committed you both are to healing the wounds of the past and creating a livable, if not wonderful, future. You will certainly benefit from one-on-one therapy in dealing with your emotions and ultimately deciding if the marriage is worth saving, but you need not go weekly - find what works for you.

I feel based on the very valuable and detailed explanation you gave (kudos to you for that!!!), the best thing is for you 2 to sit down together and schedule weekly sessions to discuss these emotionally charged issues alone, no kids, no parents, no therapist, no minister, and in private, not out in public. This problem is complicated. It did not crop up just yesterday. So it will take time to work through your individual and marital issues.

Answer 2

You confuse love with a having a relationship.

Relationships require effort, they do not sustain themselves forever based on the emotion we call "love."

It sounds like both of you are so busy looking backwards you can't or won't focus on the future.

You should sit down with each other and re-establish goals for the future and stop discussing the past. The past is totally irrelevant because you cannot change it.

Until you both turn your heads around and look forward, you will have difficulties because you are looking the wrong way.

Good luck, hang in there. Relationships are cyclical and the downs make the ups much more enjoyable.

Answer 3

things happen in relationships that change how people feel. once you have been hurt, it's hard to get over. you can still love that person but be afraid of getting hurt again. if he does still love you, he's probably just afraid of getting hurt again. if he doesn't love you, he is probably more concerned about how it's going to affect the kids and he doesn't want to hurt them. i think you guys should go to counseling, separately and together. separately, so that you each can figure out how you feel and together so that you can learn how to work together to solve your problems. you may not end up together after the counseling but maybe it will help you in future relationships and maybe it will help you help you kids deal with the breakup. good luck.

Answer 4

You two have some serious need of marital counseling!! If you want to save your marriage (cuz, honey it's headed south), you should get your butts in NOW.

Does it mean he no longer loves you? Probably not, but I'm a big believer of in love vs. love. It sounds like he loves you, but he's not IN love with you. In other words, he's lacking romantic & nurturing feelings toward you, but he probably would hate to see anything horrible happen to you.

Get some help...before it's too late!

Answer 5

You may just have to give him so time, if things were really bad. But if that sometime that he needs goes a little to far then I think its time for you to sit down and think of whats best for you and your children. If he is staying for the children he is only going to leave you when they get older.

Best of wishes to you and your family

Answer 6

you both need to sit down and have a serious talke where do you see each other in 5 years? ten years?is this something that can be really worked out? Onlly you both know the answer

Answer 7

my husband went through this too. please seek counseling. he may be dealing with depression or something. take some time for yourselves to talk things out and try to reconnect why you fell in love and why you stuck it out. through counseling my husband eventually decided that he loved me the whole time and it was the depression and the fear that was was making him question it.. not that he didn't love me. good luck.

Answer 8

you both still love 1 another you to just have your own way of telling it a lot of Marriedd people do i wish you luck and stay marrie d cause being single stinkes OK

Answer 9

Counseling... yep, mariage counseling is whatcha need.

Answer 10

IF HE NEEDS TO THINK ABOUT IF HE LOVES YOU , THEN YOU ARE RIGHT HE MORE THAN LIKEY DON'T .. I DO NOT BELIEVE PEOPLE WAKE UP ONE DAY AND SAY I DON'T LOVE YOU ANY MORE . HE NEEDS TO EITHER LET IT GO OR WORK IT OUT ..