i have been happily married for almost 10 years but in the last 6 months my life has been turned upside down.?

Question

I always took for granted that we were happy. boy was i wrong. about 6 months ago after an argument over the phone, my wife reveled that she was not sure if she wanted too stay together. Its wierd but now i relize that all along ive not been there for her. Weve tried too live in seperate rooms for a time. I thought this was over when she said it was but always knew it wasnt. i get very emotional when talking to her about this professing my love and the want to continue foward but i dont think she has much interest in this or at the very least wants more time. i am now living out of a suitcase which is miserable and dont know how much time i should allow before making a desion. she says she still loves me and needs time to sort out "things" in her mind. we have always been faithful to one another so i do not think it is someone else. our tenth anniversary is coming up soon and i would like some help.

Answer 1

Unless there is some compelling reason to do otherwise, continue as you are.

You should rent an apartment or otherwise make semi-permanent living arrangements for yourself.

Relationships are cyclical and until she decides that she wants to have a relationship, there is little you can do other than moving forward with your life.

You cannot make someone else love you or want to be with you. All you can do is accept the situation and make the best effort you can to make the most of your life.

Good luck and hang in there. It's the downs that makes the ups so much more enjoyable.

Answer 2

I feel for you. The realization that she may not want to stay together often hits hard. The unfortunate part is that given your limbo state there will be no resolve. She is still benefiting from marriage but acting separate. It may be time to give her the word , be married, work on that or be separated but not both. If she wants to find out what separation is like she needs to get a job find a place and move out. She needs to be ALONE for a time. You do not have a marriage you are not separated. This is not fair to either one of you. Frankly, I would show her the door.
Why are you living out of a suitcase in your own house? If she's the one with issues she needs to leave not you. Nothing helps sort things out quite like being alone in a room for a time. The way things are going she will never make a decision. She has no reason to. Finally, what does I was not there for her mean? Did you work and provide? Did you go out and party every night? Did you sit in your chair and watch TV every night and not lift a finger?
What exactly were you supposed to be doing? If you were not abusive, lazy or a cheater, Quit Blaming Yourself. You are only half the equation. The way to get her back may have come down to her not knowing what she's missing.
What ever is going on, remember, its your home. She's the one who is not sure at this point. She's the one showing the doubt about being together.
She's the one who needs to leave NOT YOU!

Answer 3

I 100% agree with goldwing10083- ALL marriages- that I know of seem to do something weird at 10 years.. I can attest.
The thing about marriage is.. people think that it's all love and and happy forever.. it's not.. it's a partnership.. it's 2 seperate people coming together to build something.
An architect and a crane operator don't always see eye to eye- but they pull it together for the final product.
It's on both of u to decide if u will dig and and walk the line.
It's also very realistic to have a timeframe or some sort of expectation from her on when u can quit living out of a suitcase- or if u need to move somewhere else all together.
It bugs me when people keep people 'holding' on.
I would lay it down.. and tell her that a substantial gap is not fair to u... if she really has an inkling to hold on - at least try counseling.

Answer 4

ALL ALL ALL marrages go through a very nasty stage at about 10 years.!! Yours is no different. Copy and paste my answer, print it out along with this question and let her read it.
You two are no different than anyone else. You admit you love eachother, yet 10 years of problems unresolved are boiling up at last. Trust that were you to divorce, the next mates will bring the same, if not worse problems to the table, and you will be right back where you started....marriage is constant work on both parts, constant giving without recieving. But when times get rough, you have each other, and that is what counts. If you have problems, resolve them now, get with the program and get back on track with love and fun. You have lost the fun in your relationship...it is just out of sight, so go find it again. Much easier than you think, but you will not resolve anything living apart or in separate bedrooms..that is for sure. And I strongly suggest you leave your emotions at the door step when you discuss your problems...getting emotional will NOT help, but will hurt the relationship. Get thee to a marriage counselor and talk all this stuff out with a disinterested 3rd party moderating. Simple, done every day.

Answer 5

Marriage is not always a happy thing. I think you need to give her the space she is asking for, get a home for yourself. Time heals everything think about falling off a bike with time that scab heals, when your heart gets broken with time you can talk about it without crying time heals everything. Keep pursuing her just like you did when you started dating, take baby steps, make her fall back in love with you. There is a difference between being in love and loving someone. Do date nights, movies, romantic gestures but don't push staying with her or even moving back in, just go on like you are dating let her have the control and take the lead step and don't keep beating yourself up for what happened in the past you can't change any of it just make sure she knows that you now realize that you were wrong and drop it.
Everything will work out with time.
Good Luck

Answer 6

Marriage counseling will not help unless you both are ready to work on your marriage. Even if she is not ready you still can get couseling to help you get through this hard time no matter how it turns out. I do believe in absence makes the heart grow fonder. You can not put your life in a holding pattern, be available for her but make sure you take care of yourself also. I went through the same thing at 7 years of marriage and when I realized I had been unavailable and seperated I made things worse by smothering her trying to make things work and I forgot to live my life so when it ended it was just that much more devastating to me. You feel as if you can't breathe but it does get better and I now see the mistakes I made and learned from them. good luck!

Answer 7

My marriage dissovled after nearly ten years as well. Different situation, he was cheating. However, in looking back I realized that I could have been more emtionally availabe to him then I was. If nobody has been unfaithful & you two still love eachother there is hope. All you can really do (I wish I had) is put all your cards out on the table, even the painfully emotional ones. They need to be validated(I disagree with one of the other answers) no matter how "emotional" they are on both sides. Because they are your feelings and they are important as is hers. If she is unwilling to move forward on her part to make the marriage work, then it is time to move on. You need to be sure you walk away knowing in your heart you did everthying you possibly could on your part. Or you will always wonder. Promise

Answer 8

What more can you do? I mentioned a separation to my husband because I thought that was what he wanted and needed reassurance when he would not answer my outright questions, but he told me to do what I had to do. You told her what you want and she didn't accept this. If you have kids or got married young she may be trying to figure out who she is independent of you and the kids, but her disregard for the situation she put you in is asking a lot. I would say move on - whatever that would entail for you. If you move on does that mean there is no going back or starting over with her? If things are resolved again would you still feel it may happen again?

Answer 9

Hmmm...problem man! problem...
anyways lets try to fix this up as it means a lot to you...good that you confessed that all this is happening because you havnt been there for her...atleast you have realised it before its all over so you still have time to fix up things...since you said that you guys really love each other & havnt been unfaithful, there is still hope...i would suggest you apologise to her sincerely & tell her that you have been a fool ignoring her, commit that you have made a mistake & would have given her the importance & time she deserved...tell her how important is she in your life...but do it calmly & dont overburden her with your emotions...just think she might have been under so much stress when she had to take such a decision...it would have been really tough for her...tell her that you understand all this & ask for one more chance...try to make your anniversary special for her...just do whatever you can...i am sure you'll be able to work it out...goodluck & god bless...

Answer 10

I am guessing if you are living out of a suitcase, that there is not a whole lot there to save. How long are you willing to let your wife "sort things out"? She could be sorting for years. Once the words come out of her mouth, you can't take them back. I'm so sorry, but I think you are headed towards divorce, unless you two both go to counciling.