i cheated on my husband. when i told him he started cheating on me over and over. it took my stupidity to make me realize that i did still love him and want to be with him. Even after his cheating i want us to be together to be in love to be happy. i regret my actions but he does not regret his. how do i help him get the thoughts of my cheating out of his head so we can make our marriage work like we both want it to. we've talked about my cheating several times but i have no idea why I did it and dont have an explanation so he has no closure. if it were not for the thoughts in his head we would be fine. we both love each other and we both want us to work and be better. we both believe it can happen if he could fix the issues in his mind. tho i have the same issues in my mind i have a different way of dealing and my way is not working for him. neither one of us want to seperate or divorce.
2006-06-16 05:53:38 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
well i hope this is added to the end of what i've already put in .... i must be unclear on this fact ---- we are already married. the cheating happened after 5 yrs of marriage. now that its broken..how do we fix it
2006-06-16 06:00:44 · update #1
ok. maybe im not saying this right. i know what lead to the cheating. i dont know why it actually happened. i have experienced cheating in my life... my dad did it to my mom, my brother did it to his exwife and his present wife, i've been cheated on my b/f's and i always swore i would never do that... i did it. i was angry, depressed, unhappy, dead inside, i hated everything including myself. but why didnt i leave him instead of cheat on him. why did it happen that day...i dont know. i know what lead to it. i can say all day long it happened cause i hated him, cause i hated me, cause i was depressed i didnt think about the consequences.. i didnt think about anything. Mentally or emotionally i was not even in that room. Thats the part i dont know.... why it actually happened. i dont understand where i went inside myself to allow this to happen. We have discussed it. I have only done it that one time. He's done it hundreds of times.. I have apologized millions of times for what i did.
2006-06-16 06:41:23 · update #2
He has told me he can see that i love him. He can see that i'm trying to make it right. He's said he is really wanting our marriage to work and he's not cheating anymore.. fine. i want to believe him so i do. what i dont know is how can we get past his still being angry at me. i know i hurt him.. ripped him apart. i have the same inside me but i love him so much i choose not to focus on the past hurts. i want to focus on the now and let the past go. nothing is goin to change that any of this happened so why dwell on it. why not just move on. mind control. it seems to be working for me. i choose not let this control my life, my thoughts, feelings and actions. i hate that it took another man for me to snap back to reality and feel how much i love my husband. i know i hurt him. if i could go back and undo it i would in an instant but i cant. all i can do is show him now how much i love him. ok he sees that. so how does he get out of the past?
2006-06-16 06:46:55 · update #3
well i been their,he will get over it if he wants the marriage to work,get counseling it all will work out.
2006-06-28 14:33:54 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
First, you DO know why you cheated. That's where you start. You can't fix a problem until you know why it broke. Spend some time within yourself, being HONEST with yourself about what it was you were feeling when you cheated. Then you have to figure out if he cheated only because you did, or perhaps he was or wanted to cheat prior to that and your cheating gave him an excuse. Now that you've identified the problem, you can work on fixing it. The big things is does HE also want it fixed? If he doesn't forget it, your doomed. If he does, then you're heading in the right direction. Get marriage counseling. Talk about where you were inside of yourself when you cheated and how that effected him, and vise versa. If you want your marriage to work, and you are both willing to try hard, it should work out.
Good luck.
2006-06-16 06:15:09 · answer #2 · answered by Brandy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello Micki, I think what the two of you should do is continue to talk but let's try and drop all the talk of both of you cheating.
It happened, yes it shouldn't have but it did.
You both need to develop a positive attitude about things now.
Go out to a quiet dinner together and talk to each other. Not about the cheating, talk about the good times the two of you have had together. Talk about your wedding, when you first met each other, things you have done in the last 5 years that you enjoyed together! You both have to stay positive and agree to let certain parts of the past stay there.....IN THE PAST!
Once you are both talking again, counseling may be an option or if you are both making an effort to make things right and staying positive, you could talk your way back into the wonderful relationship you had.
I wish you luck on which ever way you choose to go.
2006-06-16 07:31:51 · answer #3 · answered by Ekimo 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. Lots of trust issues. The cheating is obviously a symptom of many things wrong. Me opinion is any worldly answer just makes things worse. It is obvious that this is what you are looking at. My advise is to look at the God and the Bible. Seek Christian counseling. If what the councilor say contradicts the Bible, he is using worldly answers. If you value your marriage, go to another.
The Bible only lists two reasons for divorce, cheating and unequally yoked.
You two fit the first. But it also says to stay together if you can.
The trust will come back in time. But it needs to be an effort from you and from him. You also need to figure out where you two are not meeting the others desires.
Here is a good book
Divorce Proofing Your Marriage by Linda S Mintle PhD
ISBN 0-88419-732-8
2006-06-16 06:37:55 · answer #4 · answered by Greg J 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well to be honest it might not be fixable. It sounds like the trust has been broken by both parties and trust is a very hard thing to gain back. It sounds like he is still really mad at you so he is trying to pay you back show you how it feels to be cheated on. You guys either do counseling or it probably is pretty much over. See you can forgive but you can never forget and therefore it will be always on your mind every time you go to store or one of you is late ect... I wish you both luck however 2 wrongs do not make a right! If you guys forgive each other than you got to stop trowing it into each others face.
2006-06-16 06:06:43 · answer #5 · answered by shadow 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh I got the picture right away. He went out and made a fool of himself by breaking the marriage vows and cheating on you and you had to pay him back so what did you do? You did the same and now you want us to bale you out of this problem.
You both need counselling and I am not talking about a marriage counselor. Both of you need a psychiatrist!!!!
Good Luck and have a very happy marriage!!!!
2006-06-25 07:57:51 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have few options. You both need to agree to stop going outside for sex. Its either stop the cheating or get out of what has become not much of a marriage. If you insist that you do not know why you did it you are lying top yourself. Neither of you can move on unless you both explain why it happened , that it won't happen again and what happens if it does happen again.
2006-06-16 06:32:35 · answer #7 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would like to know what your motive was when you told him of your infidelity? Hurtful information like that should have been kept to yourself, or confessed to someone that you can trust - a therapist or clergy. So he has this information and gets the mental picture now, and decides to punish you over and over. You've both betrayed eachother's trust. Now is the time for both of you to say to one another "I'm sorry, and I'll never do that again." and mean it. Your husband is an intelligent human being. He has the free will and mental capability to stop cheating. If he truly loves you and wants to be with you, he can and will stop cheating. If he chooses to continue to cheat, betraying your renewed trust in him, then I would say its time to hang it up.
2006-06-16 06:09:23 · answer #8 · answered by Mom4_5 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you guys want to make it work and thats a good thing because being married is special the key to getting over this mess is just flat out forgiving each other,i know this because i have been in your shoes.Its not easy and it will take time to heal your feelings but it can happen if you both want it to.My husband and I started going to church and that helped us.
2006-06-16 06:54:43 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say you want to work it out,His action show that he's already moved on. It really sounds like your marriage was over when you cheated.It's never the same when someone in the marriage strays.The trust is gone along with your marriage.separate for a little while and wait, watch and see!
2006-06-29 03:22:15 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
How often do you have sex with him? Maybe it's not enough!
He feels hes getting back at you by cheating, (for when you cheated).How long has it been since you cheated? And do you still see the guy? or was it just a one night stand.
2006-06-16 06:01:03 · answer #11 · answered by sanramonviking 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋