What do you think of this?

Question

The Caalrk


Chapter I: Awakening







I remember the battle…I remember the Beast Qwaar-Jet firing its infection beam at my ship…I even remember the screams of my crew as the Beast took them but nothing else and nothing since then…Then it dawned on me…I was part of the Beast now…but how was I able to think so freely? All studies showed that the victims of the Beast had their mind slaved to a central will in each ship but if this was true what had happened that would allow me this freedom? I used what systems were still functional to get an idea where I was and more importantly what had happened…Several minutes passed before I got the answers, apparently this Beast fleet had fled to the Outer Rim for some reason tough the answer why the ships went inactive eluded me.


The next couple of weeks I struggled to find the mental strength to take control of the ship...I now understand what Karan S’Jet in her first weeks as Fleet Command…

I was finally able to gain control of the directional thrusters and short range scanners…I spent most of that week scanning the debris fields that surrounded me…Something seemed amiss with the area…I couldn’t explain it but I had the nagging feeling that someone or something was watching my every move but every time I took a scan of the area nothing showed up… progress was slow but there was no lack of things to do so time pass relatively quickly…

Answer 1

Yeah, AngelPockets is right - start with action, not narrative.
But also you have a tendency to tell us too much (i.e. 'I had become part of the beast'). Try to show that instead, through what things happen etc.
Also, pace yourself. There's way too much happening in those few hundred words you've done. Pace yourself.

Answer 2

Work on your hook a little bit. The reader must be hooked in the first page. Start with an explosion or death. Maybe describe to the reader what it feels like to be "not in control of your own mind" without explaining until the end of the chapter about the beast. In other words keep what you've written but move it to maybe the middle of the chapter. Hope I've helped you out.

Answer 3

not too bad work on building into the dilemma.... let them hang a bit without letting them know the outcome ....use a little twist to make it seem your headed into another area....then bring them back to where your at ... like a diversion... keep up the good work though and let me know when your done i'd like to read it.

Answer 4

it was good