This is for PARENTS only!?

Question

How would you react if your daughter told you:
1. She got raped by 3 men
2. She smokes pot regularly
3. She sometimes pukes when she over eats
4. Her exbf use to beat her regularly and gave her at least 2 concussions
5. She starves herself to lose weight
6. She has been sexually assulted many times (other than being raped) when she was drunk
7. She's a recovering alcoholic
8. She's trying desprately to avoid an addiction to crystal meth

Would you be mad if your 16 yr old daughter told you that?

I am the daughter... And I'm not sure if I should tell my parents...

Answer 1

Ok, I know you said PARENTS only... Well I'm a mommy-to-be, and I really think I could help you.

Your daughter's situation is very similar to mine. And I will tell you how MY mother reacted.

But first:
1. I was raped and almost beaten to death at 12.
2. I smoked pot regularly from 13 on.
3. I used to puke when I thought I "over" ate (usually more than 400 calories a day).
4. I've been in two VERY physically abusive relationships, one of which landed me in the hospital with internal bleeding, broken bones, etc.
5. I've starved myself to lose weight - since age 12.
6. I've been drugged and raped, drunk and had sex against my will, etc.
7. I've had serious problems with alcohol, I consider myself "recovering alcoholic" as well.
8. And I was addicted to crystal, have since quit on my own.

Ok, first of all. "Being mad" is probably the first reaction that would come to mind. This is an outrageous situation, especially as your daughter is 16 - still a minor, still under your protection by law, etc. However, be VERY grateful that she actually had the guts to tell you this. Trust me, it's SO hard.

Here's what I think:

Rape, in any shape or form, is illegal. It's RAPE, and since she's 16, it is now STATUTORY RAPE. She is 16. That's grounds for a legal battle right there. Do what you can to get them for this crime against your daughter.

Now, the eating disorder.
There is a vast network of websites created and moderated by teenage girls suffering from anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, EDNOS, etc. Check them out, you'll find that MANY girls with eating disorders have been sexually and/or physically abused. It's about self-respect. Most likely, because your daughter has been sexually taken advantage of, raped, abused, beaten by a "loved one" etc, she has ZERO self-respect. For some reason, the first thing some girls think to do is start starving themselves. The rationale becomes: "If I am thin, I am invisible, I am nothing and eventually I become numb to the pain others inflict on me." Eating disorders rarely actually have to do with weight, and are no different than self-mutilation by cutting with razors, or something like that. It's a control thing. She thinks she's in control of herself now, because if nothing else, "she's controlling her weight." But I know, as well as many other young women, that eating disorders are the EXACT OPPOSITE. It shows complete lack of control, a spiralling downward into depression and self-loathing.

And the substance abuse.
Regular pot-smoking relieves stress, because it makes you forget what's happening right now. Ta-da. She smokes pot so she'll get stoned, and she'll forget. I smoked myself stupid, trying to forget things. The point is, she's probably trying to self-medicate. You say she's a recovering alcoholic? That is wonderful, that she CHOSE to stop drinking. Support her, and encourage her to go to AA meetings, to stand up for herself about drinking... to continue getting over her alcohol addiction. You say she's also trying to avoid an addiction to crystal... That's a rough one. If she doesn't want it, help her fight it. Ask her what you can do to help her. Ask if she wants you to admit her to a rehab center, there's programs to help teens get off drugs.

But if this is more than you can handle, don't completely give up on her. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. She's recognized that she's made mistakes, that really bad **** has happened to her, she's trying to get better, and she did take the biggest step towards recovery of ALL - SHE TOLD YOU. This shows that she trusts you, she believes you will be there to help her. Obviously, she's not just asking you to bail her out... However, substance addictions are a Very big challenge. So is dealing with self-destructive behaviour, especially with a history of sexual and physical abuse. DEFINITELY seek counseling for your daughter. Perhaps talk to her about going into a detox, rehab type thing? This may not be the best option, especially if she is strong and has the will to do it herself. Rehabs can alot of times set people back, both recovering drug addicts and eating disorder patients.

I know it can be overcome, I have (almost) recovered from my eating disorder. I struggle with myself every day on that. I have gone to authorities about being raped, and done what I could to have justice served (nothing happened, since I waited 5 years to talk). I have chosen not to drink, or to do hard drugs. I haven't stopped smoking pot, I doubt I ever will. But you know what? I am happier with myself for facing my problems and telling my own mom what was up.

She cried so long, and so hard whenever I told her what was going on with me. She thought she'd failed me as a mom, that it was all her fault. It's not true. She did nothing wrong, evil happens sometimes. You can be careful, hell, I wasn't even in public school most of my life due to my protective mother. But sometimes, things happen, emotions get overwhelming and young people make REALLY BAD decisions, like drinking till they're wasted, experimenting with drugs, trying to make themselves thinner when they're just fine... I feel bad for putting my mom through all that, having to deal with the stress of it all. I apologize to her all the time, I still feel guilty. I feel like a failure to HER, that because of things that happened, I caused HER pain and suffering.

My mother was told by authorities (I reported the rape to them when I ran away from home at 16, I couldn't take it anymore and just left. I got picked up by the cops and they made me call home) that I needed serious counseling due to the level of depression, fact that I was engaging in self-harming activities and so forth. I went to a therapist, my mom thought she was full of crap. I ended up not going to her for long. My mom shipped me off into the Army 6 days after my 17th birthday because she thought that was the only way to "straighten me out." Next thing you know, my brittle, malnourished bones broke and I got kicked out of the military. I wasn't welcome home, because I was a dirty filthy little girl with no morals, so I lived on the streets, more or less. I had a long, hard struggle with addiction AFTER the military, even more so with my eating problems. I ended up just figuring out that I had to fix this myself. But I KNOW that if I had my mother there supporting me, things would have been much easier. Pushing her away from you may help, but there's a chance that it won't. I don't really talk to my mother all that much. I feel that I raised myself out of my darkest situation, that she wasn't there for me when I needed her most. But at the same time, I feel stronger Because I did it myself. I don't know, it's up to you how you handle it.

You're both going to struggle through this. But I think your daughter showed alot of strength by telling you her dire situation... That's asking for help, that's asking for change. She wants things to be better. So please, help her! She will be grateful to you forever, you will eventually forgive her for making bad decisions... But drugs like meth are life-threatening. So is an eating disorder. She needs help NOW, and being angry will not help her or save her life.

Please forgive me for speaking out of turn, but I felt I had to.

If you'd like to talk my email is [e-mail]

- And NO ONE ELSE may write to me.

Answer 2

I'm not gonna lie but yes i would be pissed of one because my daughter couldnt trust me and come talk to me, two because ur killing urself an three, why what made u do that???? thats just my reaction, u dont need 2 kill urself 2 look beautiful honey, everybody is beautiful on the inside and outside u remember that, ur parents will understand but will be very dissapointed but relieved that u told them and will do anything 2 help u, because u need help, there is more 2 the world then sex, pain, drugs and death, honsetly there is and once u come clean and start fresh u'll understand, ur parents will understand but it will take a few months for everything to settle u no once u tell them they wont be able 2 trust u and ur father would want 2 kill the guys who raped u, but thats how i would react if that was my daughter u just gotta remember that ur parents are gonna go balistic and the last thing u gotta do is go out an get drunk etc...starve urself sit down and talk to them both they will appreciate that, it might not look like they do but deep inside will. all the best love i hope it goes great

Answer 3

Honey, First of all My mother had to hear part of what you just said. Its not easy for a parent to hear, but they would rather know and try to help and console you than to be mad at you. I am the daughter. I did or went through some of these same things, and now I am a mother. I would want my daughter to feel comfortable enough with me that she could tell me. And try to move past it together. So she would know that she had someone there that had her back no matter what. I did the meth and heroin etc. It isn't worth it. NOr is losing the weight. People will like you for who you are as long as you like yourself and even when you don't like you others still do. Just for bein you.
I would be mad that it happened to her and I couldn't prevent it or at least be there for her. I wouldn't be mad at her or think it was her fault. No one asks for these things to happen.
Do you have a bad self image? I mean this sincerely. The vomiting after meals because of overeating is called bingeing and purgeing. Starving yourself only makes your body think it has to do everything to survive so when you do eat it stores the food as fat. These are eating disorders. The meth is another out for losing weight quickly at a very risky price. YOUR HEALTH! If you watn to lose weight, eat more small meals throughout the day. Stop eating when full, don't just keep eating because it makes you feel better. Most of the time if you drink a full glass of water before a meal you wont eat as much. And studies show that normally when people think they are hungry they are really just needing something to drink.
AS for the boyfriend. Sounds like a butt hole to me. You should stay away. If you say it is love you are only kidding yourself. If he loved you he would never do a thing to hurt you and would defend you if anyone else tried to.
The substances you are addicted to are probably to cover up the other things goin on in your life. WE use them as crutches and reasons for why we did things.
Non of this is your fault. circumstances do not sound good. Talk to your mom. If you don't think you can I would love to at least be an ear for you to vent at. If you would like to contact me my email is [e-mail]. GOD BLESS AND GOOD LUCK SWEETY. I have been there and it is a fight everyday to leave my past in the past, but I'm much happier without it.

Answer 4

No. . and Yes. Rather, I'd be highly upset that you went through anything by yourself, rather than sharing with me (your mother). You never know what your parents went through when they were young, there is actually a high statistic for rape victims. Many women have been raped, and have kept their stories quiet, your mother may be able to relate. I'd be upset that you allowed a man to disrespect you, that you disrespected yourself for drinking and doing drugs, that you endangered your health, future and well being through starvation and regurgitation and that you've been keeping all this a secret.

Initially, a parent will be upset, not necessarily at you, but at the deception and also at the fact that their child had to experience all of these horrors.

Please tell your parents, an older sister or a trusted older relative that can do something for you. You need support, and you don't have to do it alone.

Answer 5

Well C;
Sounds like you are asking for help. Sounds like you have hit your bottom of the barrel and you are feeling like you are at the last end. If this is true then you need to actually go to a support center and actually get professional help. NOW HEAR ME; I am not saying a physichiatrist. There is an actual help center.
Ok; here is the deal, nobody can give you the answere that you are looking for. If you are looking for a suggestion than you need to ask yourself. As far as asking if I would be mad or furious with my baby girl then yes but, I would not raise my voice. That would not make things any better. I would give a few minutes of quiet to pull myself together then I would tell my daughter toplease explain. I would definatly make sure that momma wasn't around at the time cause she would be ready to fight someone that hurt her baby. Then I would have two females to deal with. Hey, i've been through one war. Dealing with two women that are upset? MAN you have problems. (Hopefully that brought a smile).
Anyway; I would listen very closely. Making sure not to miss a beat. Then I would adjust fire from there. The next thing would be to explain to her my feelings on this whole problem and to reassure her that I will bebeside her all the way in whatever she decided to do. And since my daughters knows who daddy is and how daddy rolls they know that daddy would be right there when people were confronted. FEAR OF PEOPLE IS NOT AN OPTION WITH 'OL DAD! Fear of loosing his 'lil angel is though.
So; if this made you feel better than I am glade to be of help. But if you are looking for solutions then you need to get a support group and get them to help. Either way you really need to talk to either your parent or parents. John Wayne said it best when he talked about fear. He said; "Courage is being afraid and saddling up anyway." In other words don't let fear control your actions. Don't ever be afraid of telling the truth about anything or to anyone. Yes they will be upset but its not what you think. It is more fear that they almost lost their angel and it scares them to death. Here are some of the support groups to help you out. My address is in there also. Just incase you or your parents want help to sort this out. Believe me, I know what you are saying. I have and had good friends in the same or similar delemas. The first time one of them actually asked me for help it scared me to death. She was my best of best friends and this was the first I knew of this. (was meaning well; you know. It still bothers me) So I know!!!! I sincearly hope that everything helps and works for you. Remember; you are a gift from god to your parents and he is always smiling at you. Always look up and never forget where you came from in life.

Answer 6

see the problem is that you did not tell your parents but you can sue or put that person in prison/jail (wateva u wanna call it) but on the otha stuff dont do#8 try not to do #7 much #1(look above 4wat i just told u) #6 tell your parents #3 go see a doctor #5 that is really not good for you and sometimes you dont evan lose the wieght and #2 try to quit. abd the last q. I would be atleast alittle mad bc she didn't tell me and i would try to help her. and we would talk about what happened. I

I really hopes this helps.

Answer 7

I wouldn't be mad. I would cry. Unless I lived a ghetto *** life and those things were commonplace. That would still be jacked though.

I'm gonna go play with my daughters now so they develop a healthy self esteem and be smart enough to avoid messed up situations like those listed above. Except the smoking pot, then I'd probably wait til she turned 18 and light up a joint with her.

Answer 8

without question, you should tell your parents! You desperately need help in many areas and your parents loved you first and will love you always. That's why they are called parents, to help their children and do what's right by them. You not only need psychiatric help for your rape(s), past physical abuse, alcoholism and crystal meth problem, but you also need help with possible eating disorder and you need someone to talk to!!! I've been there with the rape part myself... it still haunts me to this day. You HAVE to tell your parents. Even if they get upset, it really doesn't matter, they need to know what's going on with their daughter and be able to react in a responsible manner; which is to get you help. You should be extremely proud of yourself for posting this on the internet. Hopefully, you will be able to get some help for yourself and believe that you can trust your parents! Please tell them as soon as you can!!!

Answer 9

I'll be really upset but come to think of it you were raped by 3 men. You must be really traumatized by the whole incident. This may lead to all the other bad things you did to yourself. Whatever you plan to do in the future loose your bf. Get help from proper channel. Most of the things you've done to yourself required helps from a psychologist in order to lead a healthier lifestyle in the future. Don't be ashamed of your problems get help as soon as possible. It's important to get your self-esteem back. Apologize from your parents and get them to help you with your future plan. I hope you succeed in improving your life situation.Good Luck and i pray for your safety and health.And no i won't be mad as i have a daughter myself.Good Luck again!

Answer 10

I would not be mad at my daughter but I would feel sad that she waited so long to tell me how difficult things have been for her. I would hug her and tell her that I love her no matter what.

(been there, done it....I have 5 kids)

It sounds like you have made some hard choices in your life and suffered the consequences. I was that kid you described too. Ask your parents to find a counselor for you to talk to AND join AA. It is a wonderful program.

You are brave. You are strong. I hope you let yourself be happy.

Answer 11

If I was a parent, I'd have a heart attack. I still think you need to share this with them. To avoid yelling and screaming, try writing a letter that explains everything - this puts you in control of the conversation.
I am sorry for you. You have a lot of problems. Usually family will always be there for you - no matter what.