Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Question

When I was five years old my father committed suicide. He had severe addiction problems and many people in his family had given up hope that he could change. Now, as I am getting older I find myself seeking out guys with these kinds of problems. I form a relationship based on trying to "save" them. I guess subconsciously I am trying to give them hope that many people didn't give my dad. When the relationship fails and they continue to go about their addictions, I feel like a failure. My question is, will this ever stop? Will I ever be ok with knowing that sometimes people just can't be saved? And more importantly, will I ever come to terms with knowing that I am not meant to save these people?

Answer 1

You gotta let it go.
"Let the past drift away with the water" Japanese proverb

You can't keep living life with the demons of your father. Your life is yours, not some shell filled with those pains from the past. My father died young (smoked/ate horribly, almost like suicide), and my mother even wanted me to postpone my wedding because she said she couldn't handle it.

So you see, you need to control your own life, if you let everything around you control your actions, your life is not yours. Find yourself a guy who cares about life, a guy who lifts your spirits, a guy who is on a equal footing with you. A healthy relationship.

The only thing these guys with issues are going to get you is a sad, sick and unhealthy relationship that dead ends. Save yourself 1st.
Good luck.

Answer 2

It sounds like you all ready know that you can't save some people. I think what you have to deal with is your dad. You never gave up in him but you were too young to do anyhthing about it, so you feel guilty. You wonder what you should have or could have done to save your father. So you seek out these men with the same problem your father had for redemption. You have to realize your fathers gone and there was nothing you could have done. Until you solve the past, I wouldn't enter into any relationship. Fix you, then you can find a nice guy who doesn't need to be saved, just loved.

Answer 3

There's a chance you'll save yourself overtime. But the best idea is to get help professionally. At least you understand your problem, but your heart tells you otherwise. Try counseling or talking to a real close friend, if you have one that you can be honest with. So sorry about your dad, I understand how that could leave an impression on you for life. A lto of people with addictive behaviors don't want to be saved. And I'm afraid you'd go through too many before you found the one that did.You should be looking for love to fill you life, not saving someone else's. Good Luck!

Answer 4

AHH, You have the same problem that I once had. My father has been deceased for 7 years; he was a alcoholic. When he died, I started finding myself doing basically the same things you are doing. I realized it was because I wanted to find a man to REPLACE my dad. In turn, I would only get disgusted by their behaviors. I called it "My Dad Syndrome." You will have to realize that you can not save these people, and you already are aware that it only brings you down. You are not a failure, the ones who you are trying to save are. It is the hard truth and facts. I had to start telling myself, " No one can MAKE anybody change." They have to be willing to seek help. Don't spend and waste your energy on these people. Take my advice, just look at all of the good and wonderful things you are passing by. Life is so short, I know, because I also work for 911 and hear alot of very sad stories, that we can not always fix.

Answer 5

Only you can break this cycle. And btw: You cannot save anyone ...it's a personal choice, and one only that person will decide to make, if and when the decide. Worry about SAVING yourself...and stop making these foolish choices. You're lucky because the first step in changing your pattern is recognizing it, and you've done this. Seek professional help if needed. Go to group counseling...there are free programs out there. At least join an online help group to start. Try to seek out friends/and relationships that are healthy....but before you do this, you may want to work on yourself, in turn..preventing you from making the same old choices (mistakes) again & again. Mistakes are fine, and even better if you learn to change your patterns & grow from them. I wish you all the best, take care,

T

Answer 6

The reason you search out men of this calliber is because your dad was the most constant male figure in your life. You were powerless to help your father, so you try to help men that have the same addictions to fill that void. You need to realize this fact and that the people themselves are the only ones that can save them. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Answer 7

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

Think of it this way... you will continue to be drawn to these issues UNTIL you come to terms with knowing that you can't fix people that don't want to be fixed. Sooo the sooner the better. It sounds like you are on the right track - acknowledging that you are drawn to these problems and wanting to address it. You have to trust in the world (because I'm not religious) that everyone/everything you encounter is a lesson and until you learn your lesson it will continue over and over. When the relationship is over, just love the person and do not take their burdens and their lessons upon yourself. Set the bird free and know that it will learn to fly.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 8

Your question really rang a bell with me, because I have had this problem, all my 55 years. I tend to choose "broken" people, with the thoughts that I can love them enough, and show enough concern, that I will make them well again. i did this with my wife, and after the divorce, countless times with other women. I'm still not able to completely get away from it, but I am better than I used to be. Now, I want a "whole" person in my life, beacuse you can never make a "broken" person ,"whole", no matter how hard you try......only they themselves , can do that! Good Luck, I feel your pain!!!

Answer 9

Honey i feel for u. I'm scared how my future relationships r going to be because of past family problems. See a therepist, u can't change this behavior on your own. 'm sure u've seen plenty of that. It's NOT ur job to save them. It's up to them. Ur dad wouldn't want u going down this road. Good luck

What ever u do don't listen to the crazy church lady. Be saved. Give me a break. No offense crazy church lady

Answer 10

You have my sympathy on the loss of your father. I would personally recommend checking out a support group like Al-a-non or Narc-o-non(?), where spouses/friends/significant others have been affected by an addiction. Addiction affects alot of people besides the substance abuser, and seeking out these support groups will give you an opportunity to see how other's cope with their situations. Good luck.