Can an abusive man change?

Question

My sister is in an abusive relationship, she has been for over 12 years. They have 2 kids together, I've tried to get her to leave him but she doesn't, The begining of this year he caused her to break her acl in her left leg. She had to have surgery for it and shes still with him. She says he has changed but I don't believe it. I've been with her through the broken ribs and nose, tons of bruises and other things, I think he has damaged her self esteem so much that shes afraid to be without him. She needs to leave him but she won't listen to me. I can't give up on her because shes my sister and I love her, but I don't know how to get through to her, any ideas?

to answer some questions my sis is 37 shes older than me, and our mom knows about this too, shes talked to her lots of times, he has been arrested before, and each time he gets out its better for a while, then he starts drinking. I know shes no angel but shes never done anything to deserve this treatment. My mom says that she told her that he said he'd kill her if she left him, I think shes really afraid to leave because she doesn't know what will happen.

Answer 1

Yes, but only with an intense amount of work and dedication. it requires extensive therapy and counseling to help the person deal with and channel their anger in constructive ways.

Unfortunately, most people are not willing or simply cannot devote the necessary amount of time needed to make this change. Their brains are hardwired to behave in this matter, so it isn't a matter of them just deciding to be good. They have lived this way for years, so their brains are wired to work this way, and it is actually "normal" for their brains to work this way, because that is all it knows. That's why it requires a lot of time and work to undo that wiring so to speak.

This is why people don't stay level headed very long. Typically they will apologize and promise to never hurt the person again, but don't do anyting differently in their life to help alter the behavior. As a result, the behavior will resurface again. In a way, the person actually can't help from acting that way, because again that is all the person knows. Now I say in a way, because with the right counseling and learning behavioral skills to cope with the anger, it can change. It is just not very likely.

Answer 2

Poor dear, keep on loving and supporting her. She needs that more than anything right now. Do you have a shelter for battered women in your area? You should try and contact them. They often have counselors who have experience dealing with these cases. They may have some ideas on ways to talk to her and convince her to leave. The only way he is going to change is for her to stand up to him and leave. She's probably afraid he will kill her, which is a real and scary possibility. You will need to get the authorities involved. And you are right, her self esteem is going to be severely damaged. Probably for life. But with help and loving support from her sister she and her children will be able to move on and live happy, normal lives.

Answer 3

Sweetheart, so many people have already answered your question...that "no" he has not changed, so I am going to say something else.

Thank goodness for YOU! Your sister is so lucky to have someone to care for her and look out for her (and her children) when she is unable to do so for herself. You are wonderful.

Please don't give up on her. You are right...she has been so beaten down physically and emotionally that she can't see any way out. She is embarassed about what is happening to her and ashamed that she can't fix it.

Stick by her. I hope she will come around and accept your help but unfortunately you can't make her. I was in her spot and as much as I wanted to tell my friends and family that they were right all alone I couldn't. I was scared. I was humiliated. And I was scared that if I were alone it would be even worse.

Just keep letting her know how much you love her and that you are not judging her, or her decision to be with him in the first place, but that you just want to be a safe person for her.

I hope she breaks free of him for her sake and her kids, and for you, too. Hang in there! You are awesome!!

Answer 4

Some "abusive" participants alternate through the years as participants who abused them (like moms and dads) die off, as they get off dangerous coping mechanisms like medicinal medicines or alcohol, or as they research the tough procedure that their abuse does not get them anyplace constructive. But as soon as abuse generally enters a courting in situations like this, it may be rare that the abusive person has any quality awakening and "alterations." They type of have obtained to gain knowledge of the rough procedure from the person leaving -- completely -- that what they do does now not paintings. And the extra the man or woman sits there and takes it or leaves and springs once more, the deeper they ultimately move and to discover what they do is amazing. It's such a lot powerful whilst the person leaves that they have to skills to ultimately alternate... With any individual else they will must meet sooner or later. Soooo, below no occasions say on no account, however at the complete those matters simply starts relocating into cycles and as an alternative dangerous styles develop. Principally if you're most effective 20, it is a type of instances wherein the first-class factor you would such a lot mostly do for your self is absolutely have an abortion or placed the baby up for adoption. And your relation with this guy have to generally be completed -- what he did has no excuse with any pregnant girl underneath any condition, and that most of the time desires to be it. You have obtained to discover anybody else later who is at a factor in lifestyles they appreciate better than to do this stuff. And sporting this guy's baby circular with you the relaxation of your life might well be some of the greater errors you're making for those who occur to head by way of with that... And mainly for those who marry him, and so on. You men are too more youthful, and those are too many crimson flags earlier than you are even off the bottom. That's satisfactory that he is attempting, however proper now you're at "fool me as quickly as, shame on you." the next time is "fool me two times, shame on me." do not get there.

Answer 5

Sadly, I think what you are describing is quite common, and you hit the nail on the head. Many women end up convincing themselves that they somehow deserve the treatment they are getting, or otherwise lose their self-esteem.

Can a man change? Yeah, I suppose it is possible. But your sister shouldn't be the one to stick around and find out, because if he doesn't, next time he could kill her. If the guy really changes, then perhaps his next relationship will be all flowers and sunshine, and more power to him and whoever he's with. But your sister should get herself out of that situation and into something more healthy.

Answer 6

You can be there for her, but it requires change from her too. She's going to have to draw a line of what she won't accept, and after 12 years that line gets harder to draw. He won't change while she stays (Why would he? things seem to be going his way.). Don't give up, but don't lean on her too hard either. Make sure she understands that when she's ready to leave, she has a safe place to go. That will help. Does she work, or is she relying on him for income? That's one way men use to control women too. Are the kids in danger? It can be a dangerous move, but that may be worth a call to the cops. Good luck, I hope she believes you.

Answer 7

I don't believe he can not change. However I think you have to see that your sister can not change either. Some might say with counseling they might change, but I really doubt it. There would have to be a really good reason for either of them to change. Too bad they have kids. May I suggest you stop concentrating on changing your sister and put your efforts into providing a safe haven for her two children? Secure a good relationship with them so they feel free to call you in a time of need.

Answer 8

He has broken her down like a prisoner of war. She has no self esteem and is convinced that she is worthless and can't manage without him. Only extensive therapy will change him and only if he wants it. I'm sorry to say that there is little you can do except call the police and have him arrested.

Go to www.drphil.com for more info. He has alot of info about abusive relationships. Maybe something there will help.

Answer 9

NO, NO, NO, an abusive man will NEVER change!

Tell your sister that she needs to leave before it gets worse. It only gets worse. It's very hard for a women to leave an abusive relationship because it's all they know. You need to help your sister get out of this quickly. You might be her only hope. Help your sister and be there for her. It will be a tough ride but it will only help her and her kids.

Answer 10

Take her for a drive and drive her out to a cemetary. Tell her in this cemterary are women that refused to leave an abusive spouse. Look where it got them. Tell her you'd really hate to have to attend her funeral and if she stays with this man, it will be the death of her yet. Tell her your car can turn her around and take her back to him or it can go in the other direction and free her of him. Tell her to take a good hard look at the driver, what does she see? Someone who will abuse her? Or someone who loves her so much and wants to show her that she doesn't have to live like this.