Aspiring poet in need of feedback!?

Question

These are the first three stanzas of a poem I've written...any ideas on how to improve?

Amma

The earth is our mother
We must take care of her
The earth is our mother
We must take care of her
heyanna hoyanna heyanyan

Dusky satin sky and sinking night
olive whispers under padding feet
and up the greening slope with rushing breath
Warm feathery susurrus of phoenix flight
comfort me now and at the hour of my death
comfort me now

Ice chalice melting in my trembling hands
a caffeinated penitent awaiting dawn
Mother of Sleepless Nights, thy will be done.
comfort me now and at the hour of my death
heyanna hoyanna heyanyan

Firefly fallen stars passing the gate
Supernova over slumbering forms
Sleep flitting frightened to the silvern moon
who comforts him with kisses like her own
and lights another kiss with a caress
comfort me now—
O my mother

Thank you all for your comments! Unfortunately I didn't have room to put the last stanzas in with it, but I'll attempt to now:

These nails this blood this flesh this wine
this water flooding from my stony side
Clouds gather with the sound of curtains tearing
and sepulchres disturbed by sacrifice
Amma, Amma, la’ma sabach-tha’ni?
at the hour of my death
heyanna hoyanna hosanna in the highest

Murmur of maternal lamentation
Angel fire and earthy incense burning
Amma, Amma, hymns offered to heaven
Origin of perfect understanding
Meditating on these rushing tunnels

resurrection pending.

heyanna hoyanna heyanyan

Some of these things were actually italicized. Amma is the arabic word for mother. I wanted to explore a connection between a 'Mother Earth' figure and that of Jesus Christ through the Passion narratives...oh, and susurrus is actually a word. It means: a low sound, as of whisoering or muttering. I thought it fit.

Oh... and the heyanna hoyanna thing is a Native American prayer chant.

'Silvern' is a word too!

Answer 1

I like the poem a lot. It has some great imagery, some great phrasing.

However, the repeating lines "The earth is our mother..." doesn't flow with the rest of the poem. I agree with the below comment about the usage of voice here. You go from speaking to an audience to speaking directly to Mother Earth. If you can change those first two lines, it will make the poem more consistent. The language "We must take care of her" seems too simple for the rest of the imagery conveyed.

Edit: Now that you have added the rest of the poem, I really think those first two lines need some editing or need to be dropped completely. Maybe you can start with the "O my mother" as in a supplication. The rest of the poem is wonderful. Love the additional lines.

Answer 2

Ok, I am seeing a Navajo or Southwest Native American tribe and Spanish and Christian voice here. I would italicize "heyanna hoyanna heyanyan" every time it is used. I think I would add in more punctuation unless you are going for the look of music lyrics. I think I would capitalize Earth and Mother so that it fits with Native American storytelling style along with how Mother is capitalized in stanza 3. I think the word "penitent" sounds like the wrong form of speech as it is an adjective. Perhaps it should say "penitent heart" or "penitent one" or "penitence," which is waiting for the dawn. I haven't seen the word "silvern" before - did you mean "silvery" ? I think this is a good poem. What have you been reading recently? You might want to join a poetry society - you could be winning contests. Ok, with the changes I've suggested and punctuation suggestions as well, here you go:

Amma (maybe have a footnote here to explain the meaning of the word, ok )

The Earth is our Mother--
we must take care of her.
The Earth is our Mother--
we must take care of her.
Heyanna hoyanna heyanyan (italicize these 3 words)

In dusky satin sky and sinking night,
olive whispers under padding feet
and up the greening slope with rushing breath.
Warm, feathery susurrus of phoenix flight (Do you mean susurros - or whispers in Spanish ? - also this is a fragment)
Comfort me now and at the hour of my death
Comfort me now

Ice chalice melting in my trembling hands,
a caffeinated penitence awaiting dawn.
Mother of Sleepless Nights, thy will be done.
Comfort me now and at the hour of my death
heyanna hoyanna heyanyan (italicize these 3 words)

Firefly-fallen stars passing the gate (hyphenate firefly and fallen)
Supernova over slumbering forms
Sleep flitting, frightened to the silvery moon
who comforts him with kisses like her own
and lights another kiss with a caress
comfort me now—
O my mother

Answer 3

It has true potential, but I have some advice:
1. What does Amma have to do with anything? I have no clue, so most readers probably won't. Offer a little more explanation. Sometimes you kind of have to hold your audiences hand a little bit when they don't know what you know.
2. Is the "Heyanna. hyonna, hyenyan" onomatopoeia? If it is, I have no idea what noise that is! If it a chant, you have to add that in so readers understand the mystical beauty of your poem.
3. Is the poem told from Mother Earth's point of view about dying? Because if it is you have some narrative issues. "The Earth is our Mother..." then "my dying hour." it gets confusing so you must have some kind of clues what the story is about. Is the person realizing as they die they have done wrong? It is kind of wishy-washy.
4. The descriptive details are a little too descriptive for my taste. It's kind of that kind of poem where all the images are hard to take in and you don't really know the theme. Everything is jumbled by you trying to paint a picture. Leave a little more leeway for the reader to imagine.
5. You might want to add in more about how the character is feeling, and their circumstances for dying and emphasizing how we must take care of the Earth. It allows us to relate more to the person.
6. You might want to repeat the central idea more, because there is so much going on. Like saying "We must take care of our Earth." at the end of every stanza.
Most of your problems have to do with writer-to-reader relationship and understanding. This is a pretty good poem, and good luck with your writing!

Answer 4

This is an incantation, with borrowings in rhythm and modes from the Bible, liturgy and some poets, including Eliot. "The earth is our mother ..." , for example, recalls "The Lord is my Shepherd ..." I think the thing is whole in structure and doesn't need more stanzas. Its strengths are interesting word choices and a natural meter. Its faults, in my opinion, are mostly in coherence; it needs a more coherent advancement of mental progress from beginning to end. The first stanza, in my opinion, is too simplistic for the others. The final stanza is a goodie but could stand some logical tightening. For example, couldn't the first line get away without "fallen" in it? In the third line, couldn't "frightened" be omitted with good effect? Wouldn't omitting "and" at the beginning of the fifth make things more elegant, with the increased emphasis on the 's' sounds and the nice dactyls?

I think it would be interesting first to work on a few ways to perfect the final stanza (not much), and then work backward through the others, with the idea of making them lead toward the final one in thoughts and images. I think you have the means to make some very interesting things.

Answer 5

What you have here is some what confusing given te variety of tongues and subject matter you are using. Take Mother for example, it could mean mother as in Mother Earth or moter as in Holy Mother. Think back to the crucifixion and you have Mary at his feet. It's confusing as to wom you are addressing and whom you are talking about. Also the image of water flowing from a stoney side, it isn't clear what you are trying to accomplish there. It seems like a visual trick , like when you don't want to show a wound or an act of violence. It doesn't seem like a metaphor for the wound of Jesus. And the caffein ated penitent part seems at odds time wise with the rest of the poem. You are likely to loose your audience that is hoping to see some pattern her, some stream of thought and logic to the poem's conclusion. Pretend tis is a paragraph and ask yourself did you proove you point of merely jump from image to image hoping your readers would fill in your assuptions. I see promise here, but; I wish it were less compounded.

Answer 6

You remind me of myself at an earlier stage of writing. You have a good sense of the melody of words. Even people who do not fully understand the meaning of your work will appreciate the sound of it. The only advice I would offer if is to take it down a notch. Simplify. Less references. Less difficult language. Etc. Not to make it more commercial but to make it more honest. Hope this helps. But you do have a lovely sound ^_^

P.S. I just want to add ... so often you get such particular criticism from people who use experience as a shield. What I mean is just because someone's been writing longer, has been published, has more degrees or whatever, doesn't mean they know more than you. Stick to your lyrical intuition and you will continue to rock!

Answer 7

If I were you I would make it shorter and use more commonly used words or people may fall asleep while reading it or not be able to understand what you are saying. With a little work I think it will make a great poem.

Answer 8

It's awesome, but just a tad too long for the human mind to wrap around! Try a different cutting of poetry lines

Answer 9

I know you have included a Native American prayer chant, but do you know what prayer? They had several ceremonies for different things, everything from hunting to funerals. You'd better make sure. I know from experience they're really powerful.

Answer 10

It sounds very mystical and poetic, but doesn't always mean anything. It reminds me of many song lyrics that people sing along with and never question what they are singing about. I'm sure it means something to you, but as a work of poetry, I find it simultaneously airy-fairy and labored.