How long is long enough?

Question

My husband and I have been having problems - well i say problems - he doesn't love me anymore. He's been unemployed on and off since November 2005.he had a very stressful job before. He's not a lazy man and usually works very hard in any job. While he was unemployed, he got friendly with another girl he was spending a lot of time with her but I know nothing went on between them. However I did get a bit jealous for a short while, then it was all cleared up. On 7th March, we had a massive row, and I suggested counselling. He agreed it might help. I rang and arranged a meeting for us, and that night he slept downstairs!
He's moved out, then back in since then, he's backmainly because I wanted him to. We've been going to counseling since the end of March, but things just don't feel rite. I'm starting to doubt whether I love him now?I just don't know what to do cause I don't want to hurt my son! So how long is long enough to see if our marriage can regain the love and trust we once had? :-

My son's only 2.5 years old, so he won't understand if I sit him down and explain, He's due to start nursery school in September and I don't want to mess that up for him.

Also - My husbands parents spent most of his life not speaking to eachother at all - In fact I can never remember a time that I knew them together that they spoke to eachother - that's why he wanted to break up. To spare our son from living through that. but I thought if we tried and failed at least he'd know we tried, and didn't just give up on his family! My Parents-in-Law are now back together and are the happiest I ever seen either of them!

We'll have only been married 4 years this August?!

We're married 4 years but together 9

WE DON NOT FIGHT - WE JUST DON'T TALK ANYMORE - AND HE HAS NOT BEEN SLEEPING AROUND SO NO NEED TO CHECK FOR STD's - I KNOW HIM AND HE WOULD NOT SLEEP AROUND. HE'S A GOOD MAN AND A FANTASTIC FATHER!

Answer 1

You obviously still love your husband and I think you are doing the right thing with marriage counselling.
However, a marriage is a two way thing and needs work from both parties! If your husband doesn't love you, you can't change that.
If you both want to make it work, you need to try and remember all the things you loved about each other when you first got together 9 years ago and try to recapture them. I understand how difficult quality time together will be but this is also a must! You need to get a babysitter, even if its once a fortnight and spend some time together. BUT if all this fails, then you need to consider a break. Only you can decide when enough is enough.
Your son will still be young enough to forget. He won't understand now but the older her gets, the more difficult it will be to cut your losses with your husband.
Even though you say your not arguing, your son will pick up on the tension between you and your husband. Maybe you can make a happier life for you son without your husband? Good luck whatever you decide to do!!!!!

Answer 2

Number one, what ever you do, don't fight in front of or where your son can hear you. If that's happening then your husband should move out. Sounds like your husband is depressed, get him some medical attention, he may need an anti depressent. Once he is on medication and healthy (have him checked for STD's too) then talk to him, find out what he wants. But if you aren't sure if you love him, that happens sometimes because of the situation. Go to counselors individually and also together. If you like the counselor and believe what they say is right for you then I'd give it at least one year but that's only after your husband is healthy. I think him getting some medical help is the most important. Make sure you aren't expierencing some sort of depression also. You'd be surprised how depression can make a person behave and it's nothing to be embarrassed about. You might also ask your counselor how long to wait. Dr. Phil McGraw has a few books out and I think he is very good at helping people, you may want to include his books into your recovery.
I came from a home where my parents fought a lot, it was really unhealthy for me so please don't think your son will suffer if you two aren't living together. Better you live apart and are both happy and taking care of him than living together and causing him mental anguish. I wish my parents hadn't put me and theirselves through that.
Did he mess around with that woman? If you aren't 100% sure he didn't then don't have sex with him until he's tested. If you already have then both of you go get tested.
Marriage is the hardest "job" in the world.

Answer 3

I think if you have been married for a long while its sometimes hard to admit defeat and realise the marriage is over or not ever going to be the way it used to be...Something you could both do is agree to spend quality time doing some of the things you used to like doing together and talking..Perhaps after a period of time if it doesn't seem to be working then decisions have to be made that would suit you both and include your son but will make you more content..but I think giving yourselves some time to explore if the feelings are there is a good idea..because giving up is too easy and at least if you do both realise it is not going to work at least you had given it one last attempt....sometimes the bravest thing to do is to face that feelings have changed. Having counselling has maybe helped you realise in your heart that your relationship has changed and perhaps run its course..I am sure you still love your husband but maybe not in the same way you did before.. and cherish the times you have shared together and as a family...If you both realise its not working and its not one-sided then you could remain close but move on with your lives in other directions...or you may find it will all work itself out. Good Luck.

Answer 4

You say your husband doesn't love you anymore, and you are unsure if YOU still love HIM. These are the big questions. A marriage without love is no marriage at all. If you both no longer love each other, there is no sense in trying to stay together. The counseling can do a lot, but it can't make love return. A divorce with parents that can deal with each other civilly regarding custody and visitation is easier on a child than living in an unhappy household.

Answer 5

From here, I can see that you clearly love each other. The love isn't exactly wild, yet. But, there is definitely love between you two. The only way that love can grow (which is important for a reason I'll mention in a second) is through communication and being together. As your love for each other grows, you will find that your differences become less and less important. Your husband should want to be with you more and more, instead of with other women. It is also important never to deny each other (if you know what I mean). Save your differences for outside the bedroom.

Answer 6

What women often overlook about men is that so much of how they define themselves is "what they do". Women think more about the relationships they have.

He is a "hard worker" (i.e ambitious) and "unemployed on and off since Nove" - so basically he's gone from being whoever he was at work and provider at home to someone who is failing.

The relationship that developed with the other girl at that time, was most probably his attempt to rebuild his self-esteme through proving to himself that he still "has it". From what you wrote, it ended, not so co-incidentally when he found another job.

Right now he seems torn. You suggested that he's is only with you through obligation (you deserve more than that for yourself). And you are not sure.

I suggest you have a trial separation to see how much you miss each other in say 2 months. Your child is too young to notice or remember later. And thetime will either make you both realise how much you care or set you free to find more fulfilling relationships

Answer 7

Fire your therapist and hire a lawyer. Life is too short to be miserable.

You have already atempted couseling, and if it didn't help, then there is no need on hanging on wasting precious time.

Chldren rather have two happy parents on different households rather that two angry bitter unhappy ones under the same roof.

Avoid the kids the pain of hearing their parents fight and yell at each other on a daily basis. Your relationship with your kids are afected by your marital stress. They will be better off when they can find peace and happiness at home.

Good luck

Answer 8

IF YOU AND HIM ARE BOTH UNHAPPY IT WILL SOON START TO MAKE YOUR SON UNHAPPY. I THINK THAT THE TWO OF YOU SHOULD SIT YOUR SON DOWN AND TALK TO HIM TELL HIM THAT THE TWO OF YOU ARE NO LONGER GOING TO BE LIVING TOGETHER AND THAT IT WAS NOT ANYTHING THAT HE DID TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN AND IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT EITHER OF YOU LOVE HIM ANY LESS. ASSURE HIM THAT NOTHING WILL CHANGE WITH HIM AND HIS DAD JUST THAT HIS DAD WILL BE MOVING OUT FOR AWHILE. I THINK THAT YOU TWO SHOULD JUST TAKE SOME TIME APART FROM EACH OTHER AND TRY TO WORK ON THINGS SEPARATE AND THEN IF YOU TWO FEEL THAT YOU WANT TO GIVE YOUR MARRIAGE ANOTHER CHANCE MAKE SURE YOU BOTH AGREE THAT IS THE ONLY WAY THAT THINGS CAN AND WILL WORK

Answer 9

You said he doesn't love you anymore.....so that's it...end of story....He got close to another woman....that is an insult to you and your family unit.

Long-story-short....it is never going to the the way it was. Your son deserves to have a happy childhood with out living with parents that don't love eachother or want to be together.

You deserve to be happy, and your not.
Your husband deserves to be happy, and he's not.

So, it is a big step, but ultimately, I think that people should live life by this motto: - Do what make you happy! If it doesn't make you happy, then don't do it.

I feel for you!

Good luck!

Answer 10

Long enough is when you still want to fight for the marriage. and that means both parties. you may end up hurting your son more if he's living in that environment. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE? You have tried, do you still want to keep fighting? Don 't know if that helps. Good luck