What advice do you give me?

Question

I have been married for 9 yrs and this has been the only person I have ever been with. I just found out that my husband had a one night stand 4 yrs ago after having my 2nd daughter. I found this out only because I thought I had a disease. My husband admitted to having had a one night stand because he was pressured by this girl and his male friends. He said he was pressured because his friends were telling him that he was not a man because he was scared. I feel real bad and want to leave him becuase I have never done him wrong in any way, He has been crying and telling me that his experience was disgusting. He said he did not even feel anything and that he pushed the girl off in the middle of having sex with her. He said he could not even finish and that the experience was embarrasing because the girl and friends were laughing at him saing he was gay. Should I forgive him and believe him? This girl would have been his second lover in his lifetime besides myself.

I just turned 33 yrs old and have had many chances to cheat but have never done so. I don't believe in breaking my vows, but I have learned that the saying of what goes around comes around is not true. Because I have never done him wrong, we have been together since I was 16 yrs old and look what happened to me. I never cheated so that I would not have to go through this and look!!

Answer 1

Now why would you want to go and end a good relationship just because he did something you don't like. Even if he didn't stop in the middle of it you would be making a huge mistake to leave him. How is the relationship other wise? Do you really want to take the chance of getting into a worse one? Think. Think. Think.

Answer 2

I feel humbled in even trying to answer this for another. The human heart is sometimes so fragile and so beautiful and so sweet that only an angel should attempt such a thing. Nevertheless...

In my opinion, the short answer is 'Yes, you absolutely should forgive him'. Of course, it's certainly not an automatic thing - you'll have to bring yourself to the point of forgiving him. If you haven't already, I believe you should talk with hubby till you are convinced as much as possible that it was truly the only time he was unfaithful to you and that he has no intentions of ever doing so again. That may take multiple discussions over time. You may also need some time to let your mind and heart consider all of it without focusing too intently on a concious level. At least, that's how I tend to function internally, but maybe you don't need that.
I say the number one thing to remember is that we are all human and it is guaranteed that we will each disappoint each other (and ourselves) along the way, in one way or another.

I know that if you can allow yourself and him the time and effort to begin healing, you can both actually become more intensely in love with each other than ever before in your life.

Of course, forgiving him doesn't mean you instantly have no issue with it. I'm not a professional counselor, but I have been married twice... once for 13 yrs, and now for 22 yrs. I believe the first part of forgiving him (if you choose to) is deciding in your own heart that you want to. If you long to love him and be loved by him, I think that's the clue. Then if you decide to forgive him, I'd say to tell him so very directly - but also point out that you may take some time to really heal this deep and terrible wound. After all, you are a human being with common weaknesses and desires as much as he or anyone else, and it will take whatever time your heart needs it to take. Then, if you need to talk it out over time with friends or family or a professional, then do so, and take all the time you want. Just let it be. And take care to not use it against hubby in any way in unrelated disagreements or arguements, if you have those. Eventually, you'll be clearer on the whole matter.

That's just the opinion of a guy who doesn't always know what he's talking about, but who loves life dearly and has great compassion for anyone struggling with such matters. I believe that forgiving, and being forgiven, is the heart of what keeps this world from just falling apart. But as the oft-times weak humans we are, we may not always have the strength we need to do so. But don't use that as an excuse. Life is full of seeming contradictions... and the fact that we have such fragile hearts does not change that we also have hearts of incredible strength. I believe your forgiveness of him is a decision you can make, and the healing is a process that requires time. My experience is that it is definitely worth it. The end of this can result in a more loving and closer relationship than ever.

From my heart to yours, please consider my opinion. But, if you decide you cannot forgive him, I hope you are not too hard on yourself for it. You are no less human than he is, and we all live our lives the best we know how - and make decisions as we are able at the time.

Either way, I'm rootin' for you.

Answer 3

My advice would be find a good professional marriage counselor or therapist and go for some couples counseling. It seems drastic to leave over this now all these years later but at the same time it's something that needs to be resolved because the sense of hurt and betrayal you feel is in the now. In a counseling situation you would be able to healthily express your feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, and he too would be able to get things off his chest. Maybe you will end up having a stronger relationship. (Assuming of course that he's telling the truth about this one-night-stand and isn't just giving you excuses). Either way, if you don't deal with it with the help of a good professional, chances are it will simmer and ferment within you and the relationship will end up being ruined anyway, so what you have got to lose?

Answer 4

Sorry for you that your only true love played away. It is not easy for a bloke to know just the one women and indeed the same for women. BUT you only thought you had a disease and he obviously admitted his guilt, rather than wait and see what the outcome was of your tests. So on balance, I suggest he was telling at least partly the truth.

The real issue is what your sex life is for both of you. Particularly after children. A few things to consider. Many blokes feel excluded after children arrive and you can be so tired..........Second, with no previous sex experience, just what do you actually know?

I suggest you get a book/videos, some sexy underwear, park the kids somewhere and get away for a night or two..Learn to tell eachother what works for you, share and trust and you will keep your man!

Answer 5

How old are you? His explaination sound like something someone would have used in high school. I think he's lying to you. It just doesn't sound right to me. A grown man shouldn't feel peer pressure by his friends to cheat on his wife. And do you honestly believe that he stop having sex with the female in mid session? He only admitted it to you because you thought you had a disease. What does that tell you?

Answer 6

I have stayed with a person before after he cheated on me. This changes both persons in the relationship. You have to decide whether or not you want to accept this change and the change in the relationship. I know it is hard on you, you have to just make up your mind, and if you forgive him, forgive him completely. It will take time and patients on both parts. If you think you are a big enough person to forgive and forget, then go for it.

You are feeling alot of emotions, and if you are like me, you don't know quite how to handle them. Take it one day at a time. Either way you decide to go.

Hope everything works out for you! Good Luck!

Answer 7

I have been married 27 years and it sounds like he loves you. It will be hard to forget. But, you need to forgive him and start working towards building a unique relationship between the two of you. I have been fortunate but I recently had a single woman whom I believe was after my husband and has tried to start a lot of problems between us. In my research for some support I came across a wonderful site. It is good regardless of where you are in a marriage but it has some good input on infidelity. I wish you luck. Keep the healthy communication open.

Answer 8

i don't feel sorry for him neither should you.it was wrong what he did even if he didn't finish.he should have never put hiself in that situation. if his friends were true friends the would have never pushed him into trying it.at the end of the day it still is his fault for listening to them.he's probally telling you nothing but bad bc he feels guilty for betraying you.personally i would leave him only bc im getting to old to put up with high school crap. however i know that's easier said than done. you should ask him if it's cool for you to experiment with someone so you know what it feels like to lay in another mans arm, only fair weather you do or not you should ask him. the preasure of people saying he's gay is crap beings they all know he's married. you might wanna see some help if you plan on staying with him bc i know if it were me i would see her with him everytime we was to just hold each other. good luck for you and your kids, not the man the deceived you

Answer 9

You need to evaluate your whole relationship and not judge it by this unfortunate happening. I got a divorce over this type thing and as I grew emotionally with time I realized it could have been a mistake----now I will never know. I would have to try to understand how he got himself into that situation---does he still have the same "friends"? I hope not. Take the time to get passed the initial hurt and try to make your decision on what you both truly want from your relationship.

Answer 10

Forgiveness is important. Especially since it happened 4 years ago. It is an awful thing to deal with, but is that one mistake worth ending your entire relationship and putting your kids through a divorce. I would suggest counseling, though. you have to work through it and communicate. If you go to a church you could talk with your pastor. If not, find a marriage counselor. I do know marriages that have made it through this.

Best of luck to you.