when someone provokes me, i can't stand my ground ?

Question

i fail to defend myself in a polite way

i don't want o insult them

Answer 1

Eveyone here means well, but from what I read it is much easier to say these things than to do them. I understand where you are coming from as I use to have this same problem. I still do in some ways. I do not want to hurt peoples feelings, and I also have difficulty with an uncontrollable adrenaline rush which makes my body weak and shake from the force of it sweeping through my body. This is not conductive of a positive stand on any position.

I have found I have the ability to stand up for my children, husband, family, friends, but not for myself. This is due to a feeling deep inside of unworthiness. As a child I was not much loved by my mother. Children take on the responsibilities for the failures of parents. ALL children are lovable, especially as infants, yet when a parent fails to bond the child believes it is her fault. As a young child were the parents are our prime sourse of survival, we tend to believe they are like "gods". They seem all knowing, all capable, all everything in our youg lives. If our parent does not love us there must be a reason, and that reason must be something wrong with us, as the parents are perceived as perfect. If they are perfect they can not make mistakes, and everything they do and say must be true. When a injury such as this occures in childhood, we take it with us as a huge hole in our hearts and a deep seated beleaf in our souls that we are less than others. I have spoken to many people who agree that due to an injury in childhood as adults they still feel deep down inside their most secret place they are not as good or worthy as others are. Even after we are adults and we consciencly know that this is not true, we still FEEL that it is deep in our souls. It takes a very long time for this to heal, if it ever does fully heal. I know I have done a lot of work on my hole and it has healed much, but it still is there to a small degree. I do not know if I could even hurt anybody to save my own life, yet I know I would easilly hurt any who would harm sombody I love.

Now, I said "I would easily hurt any who would harm somebody I love". This is sad because don't I count myself as somebody I love, and therefor is worthy of my protection? This is the crux of this problem. We do not have love for ourselves. I am not talking about self esteem I am discussing the most basic and fundememtal factor which determines how well we function in our lives, what we believe we are worthy of, and what we believe we are not worthy of. This is not a surface area easliy accessed and healed. It is so deep in our souls we can barely find it let alone begin working on it.

When we do not feel we are worthy we do not have an abiltiy to truly stick up for ourselves. Do you find it much easier to stick up for somebody you deeply love but not your self? I bet this is true, as this is the number one symptom of this type of deep soul injury.

This is not easily fixed. I worked hard for many years to be a good person. I still do. However, I allowed others to walk all over me due to my feeling unworthy of being treated better. The very idea of people NOT treating me this way just never occured to me. It was natural for me to allow others to begin where my mother left off. My first relationship was fife with physical abuse. It took many years for me to find a way to get the abuse stopped, but I finally did.

You need an Aha! moment. An Aha! moment is one in which the very core of how you think is suddenly and dramatically changed due to something you experianced. Something you read, saw, experianced somehow. My Aha! moment came when I realized I treated others WAY better than I treated myself or allowed others to treat me. I realized I was so gental, much more forgiving of weaknesses, so much more patient and loving of even strangers than I was myself. I thought to myself, why are everyone else in my life deserving of my gental and forgiving treatment but I myself am not? I am a decent, kind, thoughtful, loving, generous, nonjugmental person who forgives the weaknesses of others, but I do not do the same for myself. I took a look at my own behaviors and choices in life and discovered I behaved and functioned at higher levels than most those around me, yet I did not treat myself as I treated those who behaved horridly, made stupid mistakes, had poor judgment with great understanding and forgiveness of human weaknesses! I saw I am deserving of different treatment from myself and others. This changed my life. I still struggle with standing up and vocalizing the truth in certian situations, (sometimes it is best just to keep your mouth shut) but I have surrounded myself with those who treat me how I treat them and I am much more gental and forgiving of my mistakes and my life in general. I do not allow bad relationships any longer either. I have to be around some who behave badly, but I keep my distance as much as possible to avoid too much interaction with those types of people. I also stay away from those who choose to become bitter, angry, resentful, and hateful individuals, and also those who are always on the poor me pity pot. I do not mean those who have depression which is clinical, but those who are always believing life treats them unfairly and cheats them of things rightfully theirs, while others get what they want easily. These folks are draining at the least and destructive at the worst.

You have a hole in your soul which needs addressing. Something happened in your childhood which caused you to feel shame, and deep down inside your souls most secret place you feel not as worthy as others. This feeling is a lie. You are as worthy as the next person. Nobody is more worthy in this life than another. We all struggle and have our crosses to bear, but we are all worthy of love and to have good things in our lives when we work for them.

Sticking up for yourself will follow along after you begin healing the hole in your heart and soul. The first step is the belief you are just as worthy as the next person. That you deserve to treat yourself as well as you treat others. Then you need to keep this knowlege close and begin being more gental with yourself and forgiving your mistakes. We ALL make mistakes, your mistakes are not any worse than anybody elses in this life. Isn't it a bit arrogant to think your mistakes are far worse than others? That means you are more important that others. See the contridiction? If you are more important than others, then why do you treat yourself so harshly? This also gives you the idea you must hold yourself to a higher standard than you would ever dream of holding your family and friends. This is also a contridiction of the feeling you are unworthy. That you are somehow less than others. If you are less, unworthy, then why do you have such high expectations of yourself? See what I mean on how this type of wound tricks and deceives us? Once you begin consciensly treating yourself better, stop having such unrealistic expectations of yourself, and begin having forgivness of your own mistakes, as you forgive others, you will begin to heal. As you heal you will begin to increase your feelings of self worth, and your confidence will grow. As these things begin to accure you will one day find it much easier to stand up for yourself.

Good luck on your journey through life and much happiness always.

Answer 2

i know no one likes to be a tatletale but you gotta do what you gotta do tell a teacher, parent, guardian, or older sibling this should scare them and if people still call you a tatletale just go up to them and remind them about an embarassing moment that they had and if you have no knowledge of these moments tell them a small rumer like "I know you wear the little inflatable pufff things on your arm when you swim" and hope to catch something GOOD LUCK

Answer 3

So you don't like confrontations? Eventually you'll snap, maybe at the wrong person. If someone does something wrong to you, just tell them. If they argue about it with you, then just walk away.

Answer 4

Dont let people walk on you, take up for yourself even if its in a nice way.... But a good sucker punch works good......lol

Answer 5

Gotta do it girl! Ya gotta get down n dirty sometimes no way out of it. You'll see.

Answer 6

You need a little self confidence,
and reassurance...

Answer 7

defend yourself.