comments or suggestions on these lyrics.?

Question

cant fit here sorry i tried and i posted them at
spaces.msn.com/roc-ur-world/
doubt i'll get any answers but i wud LUV any feedback. hope the web URL is right

Answer 1

Guess what?!! - YOU GOT AN ANSWER!!!

Overall - really good with some excellent pieces.

There's a couple of lines you could change. Only to prevent repetition and over-use of one or two words.

2nd verse
You have used anybody, nobody and somebody in first 3lines. It's too much 'body'. Try something like:
'No hunger for anyone in the world
none left starving in some unknown country
unseen faces with unknown names

I don't understand
'never recognised even if only with one person' but on the end of this verse maybe try something like:
'never recognised alone as an individual person' (in other words, they are seen only as the starving or a group of starving people, not as individuals).

'the food should be shared, given out to people who care
people who need it'

I would change this slightly, so you don't have 'people' twice in two lines. Also,because the people that care aren't necessarily the people who need the food. Only slight change, something like -
'the food should be shared, given out, starting with the hungry,
people who need it' etc

4th verse - excellent start!
You need to change the 3rd line
'maybe more important to me'
It's definitely only important to you so change it to something like:
'I know it's only important to me but please don't think or call me selfish'

Also, instead of
'their heart wants love'
To save using 'their heart' again try something like:
'love, unity, understanding and above all, peace'

5th verse - again, excellent x
You could change
'Hoping they'll say or do something
or benefit for the better'
This doesn't really make sense but I understand the beginning so maybe you could try something like:
'Hoping they'll say or do something
Just a single word that you could keep forever' or I could keep forever.

You need to change
'my heart rules all over me'
to
'my heart rules me over all' (so in other words, above all else, common sense etc your heart rules - you can't stop yourself)

Please don't take these notes as criticism. Your lyrics are very cool and you are obviously a deep, caring young lady. It's also very clever the way you have worked the verse on your love interest into a song/lyrics about using 3 wishes to make the world a better place. You are going to go a long way. Keep writing - you could end up selling your material and becoming a songwriter to the stars. Good luck, I wish you all the best for the future x

Answer 2

you

if a genie appeared one day
And told me the whole world could be mine
and gave me 3 wishes...
I would use them all for the better.

no hungar for anybody in the world
nobody starving in some unknown country
somebody with some unknown name
never recodnised even if only with one person
the food should be shared, given out to people who care
people who need it.
people can move mountains, people can channge

no destruction, and all peace
peace for the world, peace for the heart
peace, no divorce
no drink driving, no getting home later then you should
no crying yourself to sleep in the middle of the night
and going to school the next day and pretending everything's alright
just freeze the world and give everybody what their heart wants
their heart wants love, compassion and above all peace.
a heart can change a nation.

Call me selfish, call me dull.
but the world wouldn't benefit from my third wish
maybe more important to me, please don't call me selfish
it may be wrong, it may be right
i know i want it in my heart.
i want happiness and maybe this way i can get it
the world might make no difference
i know i can
but i also know i want you

have you ever wanted somebody so bad
that whenever you pass them you just melt,
frozen in the mmoment
hoping they'll say or do something
or benefit for the better
is this me? when i look in the mirror
maybe i'm stupid maybe i'm dumb
but this is what my heart tells me.
my heart rules all over me.
nobody can be happy without heart
and all i want it to be happy
happy with you

TOO MUCH INFO ON 1ST WISH AND ON YOUR SECOND WISH I THINK YOU GO A LITTLE OVER BOARD WITH THE NO NO'S. I LIKE HOW YOU INTRODUCE AND EXPRESS YOUR 3RD WISH. OVER ALL PRETTY GOOD.

Answer 3

who knows and who cares..a proud Canadan

Answer 4

whatever