Love Advice Desperately Needed - Should I Stay Or Go?

Question

Ok here's the situation. I'm 26 years old and engaged to a man who's been my best friend since we were dorky 15 year olds. So needless to say I deeply love and respect this man. However, about a year ago, he finally introduced me to his older best friend "John." They are practically like brothers. But from the moment I met his friend "John", we clicked instantly, and I fell for him in a way I've never fallen for anyone. I love my fiance but we have almost completely opposite personalities. Meanwhile me and his best friend John are so much alike it's almost scary. He's truly everything I never thought I'd find in a person. Now I don't know what to do. Sometimes I just want to call off my engagement, because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with one man but be in love with another. On the other hand, I don't want to mess up what would be a life-long union just because I have the hots for the best man. Do I leave, or do I get over this, grow up, and marry the man I've chosen?

I'd like to thank everyone for their well wishes and taking out time to help me with this problem. All your responses have made me realize that there are no short-term "quickie" answers, but that I will need real time to myself to figure out what I want, before going through with something as serious as marriage. For the record, I've never told John how I feel, because I'm really not interested in wrecking a friendship. So I have no idea if the feeling is mutual. I remember once he said that if my fiance ever got hit by a bus, he would snatch me up. But he said it in a joking way, so I didn't allow myself to take it seriously. Either way, I plan to take your suggestions and take some time out to really listen to my heart, and think about what I want my future to be. Thank you so much everyone!

Answer 1

Ah...Tough question.

Well, as many people would tell you, you need to follow your heart, or else you'll never really be happy with your life. But as we all know, life can be frought with decisions that, if made rashly, can cost us alot. The best I can do is take you through some steps to evaluate the options and figure out what you might want to do.

The first thing to do is evaluate your relationship with your longrtime friend and fiancee. Has he always ben there for you? Does he know what you like to do and do it even if he doesn't want to? Is his goal in the relationship to make you truly happy as well as himself? These are the makings of a great relationship. And with the fact that you've known him for 11 years, you know most of his secrets and his background. This may make him seem like the prime choice for this decision, but you always ask yourself "Is he really?" This is a toughie. You mentioned that he's got a completely opposite personality, does this mean you and he have completely different likes and dislikes? And what happens when those likes and dislikes surface within your relationship? Does it cause problems? If it does, this may be more than a "blip" you have to smooth over before marriage. It may truly get to be a problem later on down the line. One of the problems I hear alot is "I love someone else, but I've been with this one forever, I don't know anything else" and that, to me, sounds like obligation. And obligation should never be forced upon someone in a relationship (unless it's not cheating on the other person, or telling them the trueh, etc.). If you love your first guy, and know he'll always be there for you, regardless then he's most likely the one to trust to make a good relationship. But if the relationship seems to be stagnating, the dislikes are overtaking the likes, and you just feel like you have to keep the purchase you seem to have bought 11 years ago, you may need to re-evaluate it.

Now onto "John". The first thing you need to realize is that "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence", meaning that something that you can't have (albeit the same) is always more alluring BECAUSE it's forbidden. Though, there are times when a better thing comes along. But always do your research. The first thing to ask yourself about John, is even though you think you know him, do you REALLY?You say you only met him a year ago. But what about 10 years before that? You know your fiancee for that long, you don't know him that far back. You have to be careful because he may look great on the outside, but you've only recently started to see who he is, and underneath all that untouchable exterior, may be something you won't like.

Take a hypothetical situation: You leave your fiancee for John, you date John for another year or so (because you can't marry him off the bat, that'd just be foolish) and things start to crop up. Things in everyday life that you weren't around him for, things in the bedroom, things that will affect YOUR future. And you can't be in the relationship anymore. So, essentially, that's 12 years of your life wasted relationship wise. your fiancee won't want to talk to you, and if you break up with him, he may not want to talk to you for destroying his and your fiancee's relationship. You'll be back at square one, and having even more trouble seeing as you've been out of the dating scene for so long.

Now remember, this is a Hypothetical worst case scenario, it's not a gaurantee. But those are the ramifications we're talking about here. It may go completely the other way, John will be great for you, and you'll be the happiest you'll have ever been. But since these things are murky waters, you'll need to do some real investigating as well as soul searching.

First: See a therapist or relationship counselor. They can help you sort out all the feelings you are having, and have you lay them out on the table. They can tell if you are trying to sabotage a good relationship for bad reasons, or if you are truly in love. They'll act as a buffer zone, and let you stay away from rashly deciding your future within a day.

Second: Talk to John in the utmost of confidence. Tell him your feelings, see if they're mutual. If you need to, kind of ease him into it. Talk candidly, and tell him that you don't want to make any rash decisions and must know how comitted he'd be if you were to choose him. Make no ultimatums and make it abundantly clear that your fiancee must not know about this from him, for BOTH of your sakes.

Third: If the first two seem to go well, then talk to your fiancee. If anything is to happen good or bad in a relationship that changes its whole status it's something like this, and it NEEDS to be discussed. Tell him whats going on, and tell him the truth. Tell him how you don't want to ruin your love if it's for a fling or just becasue your relationship with him has semmed ordinary. Work it out, if need be go and see a couples counselor. But if you realize that it won't work, you may need to start over fresh. If he truly wants you to be happy as a friend, he'll let you be happy with John if you and he are not meant to be.

The main thing I'd also watch out for, reprecussions wise, is the other friends you'll lose and wrath from family memebers. if the wedding is already seriously underway in the planning stages, thousands of dollars may be lost on this decision, some of which the opposing party may ask you to refund. Some of your firends who may be mutual friends with you and your fiancee may have nothing more to do with you. But, weigh your options as to how much of a loss that is compared to being with John.

And for this to come to pass, you must already have your answer you just need someone to push you in the right direction, and mostlikely anyone who's opinion is worthy won't make that decision for you, because ultimately it's not ours to make. It's what is in your heart, what you want to do with the rest of your life, and how much love truly means to you that will make this decision, and in the end it will be tough, but it'll be for the right reasons:

Your reasons.

Answer 2

Very few ppl find the love of their life congrats that you found yours! But as for whom you choose I can only give you advice the final decision is yours! Choose the guy your in love with becasue if you let him go now and you get married to your best friend you will never rest in peace knowing that your in love with another and that way you are not just messing up your life but also your best friends.... no one has any right over someone elses life! If he is your best friend the way you say he is than you should be telling him all of these things rather than worring yourself to death! There is a difference between friends and best friend! Best friend is suppose to be someone whose shoulder you can cry your heart out on without any problems!!
Yes you will hurt him a bit but he will be glad that you did tell him! Rather than marrying him and filing for a divorce after a yr or so!
And always be the way you have been with him all this time dont make him feel down! He doesnt deserve this but its better this way...
Personally I would choose my best friend if i were you reason being you know him like an open book and vaise versa! There is nothing you need to hide from him and you can tell him any and everything! The relationship will last forever because of how well you have handled your friendship! True friends never let anything come between them!! And as for this new guy whom you thing everything clicks well for the moment it will but after a few yrs of marriage than you will realize that everything is falling apart he is not what you thought he was etc it may not end up this way but there are possibilities...the more comfortable your with the person your with the better it is in the long run!! I do not see my toe and make the decision i look ahead and than decide!! Think very carefully what exactly do you want a secured and healthy relationship which your best will give you since you know him for so long for you want to risk it wth this guy your in love with!! Either way someone will end up getting hurt and whom do you want to see getting hurt! Whom can you stand seeing getting hurt and whom not that answer may help too!!
sorry i may not have been that much of a help but think well before to make your decision its a tough one!!
Good luck my best wishes are with you

Answer 3

I wouldn't use daycare, but that doesn't mean there are no other options. I can understand where you're coming from. My husband had to travel occasionally, when our kids were little, and it was hard. Here are some better options. Join a mother's group. Most churches have them, and it's a great way to get support from other moms, who know exactly what you're going through. You can also make friends with women who can help you out in a pinch, with baby sitting. Find or start a babysitting co-op. Members start out with a certain number of points. You earn more points by watching other members' kids, and redeem your points when you have other members watch your kids. Hire a "mother's helper". A junior high or high school girl to come by a couple afternoons a week, so you can have some time to yourself. Join a gym with on-site childcare. You can get some exercise, while the kids play. Be creative, and reach out to your community. Just because you don't have family nearby, doesn't mean you have to be alone! Good luck!

Answer 4

Take some time out and think over. Don't go for instant reactions... it could be fatal in the long run.

Do not take any hasty decision, either of calling off engagement or getting married right away. Since you're seeing a difference in feelings, ask yourself what you need, take your time, decide and then go further.

It's bad to break the heart of your fiance, it's equally bad to be in a relation when you want something else.
Also, remember, being alike doesn't mean you should start living together, opposite poles attract too... maybe the first one you chose is the one made for you - think over.

Answer 5

Do you really LOVE best man or you just have crash on him?Does he feel the same for you? If the two of you love each other will you be together in 9 years? Do you have the same security with him? I know you wanted answer and I just gave you more questions. But I think you should get him know better. You know your fiance very well. You know his good and bed sides. Maybe you see only good side of best man because you are nervous about the wedding. I think you should take your time because losing your fiance would also mean loosing your best friend and you could never be able to get him back.
On the other hand, best man could be true love of your life, only chance for true happines. But he has to be your best friend, too.
Take your time.

Answer 6

Marrying a man/woman isnt just about warmth feeling. I see you are just being infatuated with John. Think about it, you've been with your fiance for 11 years and things are still good for you. But can you guarantee John, if he ever couple up with you, the same kind of security, relationship, freedom, trust that you have had with your fiance over these years. Oh well, this is what we call Love anyway -- No risk, no gain

Answer 7

This sounds like a line between love and lust to me. Are you actually willing to walk away from a man that you love for a fling with the best man? It is just curiosity. No one here can make up your mind. I personally would stop and think, do you really love your man? I know being married, I don't even talk to other men. I have no intrest in them. My man is wonderful and no one will come between us. If your looking at another, personally, you are not ready for marriage.

Answer 8

Well, i can say that you should take your time thinking of the best decision you have to choose... the only thing here that can help you is to "follow your heart" no matter what, 'coz thru that you will have the happiness and peace of mind y0u want.

If you are really in love with your bf, there is no tendency that you will be attracted with another man. Think things over. Maybe the new guy would be the one for you, as they call it your "soulmate".

Goodluck in your decision and God Bless!

Answer 9

wow, you are in deep
you have a crush!
in this case you have to weight in the situation
you have to look at every single thing about your fiance
see the future, see the future with john
what is the difference, the similarities, how would you feel in the long run, what would you do. I mean you know your fiance for a long time, you know how he is, what he feels,what he would do in any given situation.
Talk to john, does he feel the same way. this is a test. Life is giving you a test and wants to see how you would pass. Please look at your life and how it will be before taking any major step.
I hope I made sense, please let me know what you thought, I think your mind and your heart are in a battle right now, and you are so confused,
tell me if I am wrong
write me

Answer 10

Well, if it's just the hots for John and it is love and respect for your fiance, then stick with your fiance, because the hots fade away eventually. Think about who you'd truly want to be with if you had to spend the rest of your life stranded on an island. Does John feel the same about you as you do him? Because if he doesn't, then ending it with your fiance to go with him could leave you with no one.

Answer 11

I think for some time you should be alone without either of them & try to keep yourself busy. It will help you understand your own feelings. I mean the person you miss the most, is the one whom you truly love. One more thing, I feel it is just an attraction you are having. Maybe i am wrong, but i am glad to help you. God Bless U. Take Care.