how or should i tell my five year old her the guy she calls daddy is not her real dad?

Question

my husband together since i was 8 months pregant and got married two years ago my daughter only knows my husband as daddy. her father does not want anything to do with her and my husband loves her to death. but she as a differant last names and she is asking questions why and i dont know if i should tell her my husband is not her real dad and if i should how?

Answer 1

i have a son that i told. to this day (15 years after the fact) he feels rejected and abandon by his biological father. i have tried everything... i have told him his bio dad did an EXTREMELY UNSELFISH (yes UNselfish) thing. his dad and i were young, and he knew he couldn't provide and take care of this child because he was just a kid himself. but, my husband adopted the child when he was just 2 years old... but my son has NEVER stopped searching for his bio dad. he knows where he is now... and we know when he's 18 he's going to ATTEMPT to have a relationship with a man that didn't want him in the first place... and i'm afraid of how all of that potential rejection will effect him when it happens all over again. his bio dad has ALWAYS known where i have lived... but really walked away without looking back. to do it all over again I WOULD NEVER TELL. i would take that secret to my grave to save my son the pain he has suffered. i'd tell your daughter that you chose to give her a different last name when she was born... and spin a great lie. look for someone ELSE that you know from childhood or SOMETHING with that name... have your husband adopt the child. they issue a brand new birth certificate bearing your new husbands name as the actual father and the old birth certificate is SEALED in an adoption record... so you NEVER need to have anything laying around that would show proof of ANYTHING. don't feel bad about telling a lie that will provide for a better childhood... we lie about the easter bunny, santa, the tooth fairy... all for the innocence of childhood.

Answer 2

Yes you should tell her but when she is about 7 or so... Your husband is her daddy and he is the one that has been raising and caring for her... I have the same situation here... My little girl was 2 months old when i meant my husband and he has cared and loved for her all these years and she is now almost 8 and she calls him daddy... She is daddy's girl. Her real so called "father" knows about her and doesnt even care to see or have anything to do with her.... My husband wants to adopt her and i think he should. Just remember it does not take much to be a father but it takes a real man and everything to be a daddy!!!! The other guy is just her father but your husband will always be her Daddy! My daughter also knows about her real father but calls him a jerk and dont like him because she has never even seen him! She says so what i already have a daddy! My husband is the only dad she knows and cares to know! It takes only one night under the sheets to be a father but it takes years time, love and commitment to be a daddy! It is the man who invests time in the little child's life and loves and cares and provides for the child and takes full responsibility who is the REAL dad! My daughter might have a father out there who does not even care if she even exists but she has a daddy who really loves and treasures her! Makes all the difference in the world!
At the same time if she ever wants to look up her real father i will go with her and help her find him when and if she ever chooses or wants to. I would never stop or discourage her from doing so!

Answer 3

He is her real dad. He takes care of her, he supports her. He has been her Daddy ALL of her life. The other guy is the bilogical father, if you must, but moreover, he's just the sperm donor.

Your husband IS her DAD.

I was pretty much in the same place as your daughter is when I was five. I was happy with the explaination "A different person WAS going to be your daddy. But I realized that he was not going to be a good Daddy, so I told him that he couldn't. Then I married (Dad's Name) and he IS a really good Daddy, even though his last name is different."

A few years later, when I was 9, my Mom explained the whole thing to me. I was OK with it, because she made sure that I understood who my REAL Daddy was: the man who had been caring for me all my life!

I highly recommend that your husband adopt her. Legally it would be better because since he is the parent, he should have the parental rights. If the bio father isn't coopeative, start mentioning numbers of what back child support would approximately be. Many states are open to granting parental rights and respnsibilities to long time non-biological parents when they have been acting as the primary parents.

Answer 4

You don't bring it up. She won't know what you are talking about. Five year olds don't need to deal with that knd of conflict. All she knows is that her daddy is married to you. The day may well come that she will be ready to learn the rest of the story.

All she will hear now is that there is something wrong with her ... no matter how you phrase it. She needs to know she is absolutely and totally loved by the man she calls daddy. It is very simple. Don't you remember any of that when you were 5?

Is this a mom issue?

Answer 5

things like this are better left alone on this matter you said you husband loves this child like she was his own well dont hurt this child seems like he is the better man tell the child you wasnt married when she was born and thats why you married her [your husband] he daddy this child will be better off thinking your husband is her father . not her real dad. he will only in time hurt your child i am talking about her real so called dad and if he tries to come into her life let him know that he owes a lot of child support . he back off real quick. this child is better with you . and your husband and how you said he loved her is real no put on god bless you.3. you. your. husband. and your child. ?

Answer 6

sometimes i think it is better to leave things alone,but hun i would contact someone that is a professional at this and then go from there if it was me tell her while she is young because if she finds out when she is older she will resent you for it and it could cause alot of damage and she is so lucky to have a dad that loves her even though he is not the biological father like they say any man can be a father but it takes a real man to be a dad so if he loves her and wants her as his own have him adopt her and just be truly honest with her she deserves that from both of you good luck and it will be the best thing you could do for her

Answer 7

If you make the choice to tell her, think of the most simplistic explanation that you can. Don't get into all the adult details, she doesn't need to hear that. Be honest. Young children are more perceptive than you may think. And you never know if she may hear rumors and such from others, so its best that she hears the truth from you. In any case, don't speak ill of her real dad - she will formulate her own opinion of him when she's ready. Re-assure her with all of your love. P.S. Talk to a children's counselor for guidance. P.S.S. There are books on this type of situation - probably even websites - parenting, child development, etc.

Answer 8

I would just let it go there is no point in hurting her, if he loves her and wants to be a part of her life. It sounds like he is the daddy. So why make things complicated.

Answer 9

something are best left alone, children are smart today, things will work out for the best i am sure, if your hubby is good to both you and your daughter for a lifetime your daughter will live to love him for what he is anyways, her protector, her provider, her support, and her love of her life.