why do so many parents use their children as pawns in a divorce. Don't they know the damage that does to kids

Question

I am always amazed when I see parents (and I am ashamed to say I see more mothers do it than fathers!) use their children this way. There is little more a parent could do to permanently harm their children. I think it is a sign of pitiful weakness and a total lack of empathy for their children.

Answer 1

I agree but parents don't think about what they are doing in those terms. Most claim to only want what is best for the children, as they sit on their independent high horses claiming the "best" to be their selves. It's turned into a "how can I get back at or hurt my ex", the children's needs are rarely considered. You are also correct that most often, it does seem to be the mother's doing this. It actually makes me ashamed to be a female at times. Women are often very bitter and vengeful when they have been hurt but feel they are "right" in their behavior because they have been "wronged". It all boils down to little more than the fact that mommy and daddy forget how to behave like adults, therefore their children suffer.

Answer 2

Well, you're right about women using kids as pawns in a divorce more than men do.
My mom is now married for the 4th time. The first and 3rd divorce, especially the 3rd, she definitely used me and my sister to gain a better outcome in the divorce. What she did not account for is the fact that I was not supportive of her cause.
It does do a lot of damage to a child when parents behave like that during a time that is already so stressful.
When my mom divorced from my father, I spent most of the time at my aunt's who lived right across the hall from us.
One thing I remember clear as day is the following. My father had given me a little watch on a gold chain. I don't know how my mom got a hold of it but she threw it at him in front of me stating that I did not need his family's cheap heirlooms. I love my mom but will never forget that incident. I was 5 at the time.

Answer 3

A Divorce is a nasty thing to witness or live through. A parent uses the child as a weapon in the divorce because they want to cause the other spouse to be miserable. A Father can do it as well as a mother and in different ways. Its all disgusting but until the parents learn the child is the one being beaten up by this more so than the parents are they wont stop. Its all so stupid!!!

Answer 4

Yes I agree. I see it done to my children by their father (we're divorced) and still fighting for custody in court. For example, my ex has 4 children all together, 2 with me and 2 from a previous relationship, thwy were never married. The oldest of the 4, a daughter, just turned 18 and graduated high school. Then there are 2 boys the oldest 13 and my son 13 whom is just 5 months younger than his brother, and the youngest, my baby girl 8 yrs old. I was married for 13 years. Well my ex had not seen the other 2 children for almost 5 years. That's a long story. I continued to see the other children before my divorce was final becuz I have always loved the kids like they were my own. It has always been about the kids with me. But the oldest daughter decided to invite her dad to the graduation in hopes that he had grown up. But once at the high school graduation things went bad. Dad tried to approach the oldest son from the previous relationship whom he has not seen since he was 8-9 yrs old but has a step-father for the past 2 years, and the son walked away from fear, anger, & what not and then dad turned around angrily and walked past me as I stood there in disbelief and said to me "Thanks alot you fat piece of s*%#!" My son heard it, my step-son heard it and other family members heard it. This is typical behavior coming from him. And I could probably write so much more and worse but that is the most recent and I still can not win this battle. My kids have their own court appointed attorney and she blames both sides. I try, the other mother tries, i have statements from other family members and still I cannot win for the sake of my children. It is the worst feeling I have ever felt.

Answer 5

I wouldn't say that all divorced parents intentionally hurt their children. But I can say, from professional experience, that divorce causes more pain to children than people ever really know. Even in cases where the parents remain friends and the children are loved and listened to, children still feel some hurt from the situation - no matter how hard parents try to make it all go smoothly. So, for one parent (or both) to "use" their children because the parents no longer love each other, that is emotional abuse. Parents who do this are lost in the chaos. Yet, it is at this time that children need them the most. Is that hard for parents? Sure. But they made the choice to get married. They made the choice to have children (maybe not in that order). If you made the choice to bring children into this world, they are your greatest contribution. They are the most precious gift you'll ever receive............and they deserve the best you've got to give.

Answer 6

It's a sad, sad truth. Along with the astronomical divorce rate. It's the future generations that are going to suffer for stupid decisions grown-ups, to use the term loosely, are making today. My future ex-wife is doing just that. Right in front of me at times. Then denies it. Therapists have told me she has narcistic personality disorder. She lacks the ability to empathize and see what her action's effects are. Moreover, she looks at the kids as extensions of her and not as children. My kids are 5 and 7. They have no idea. My marriage is over because of a mental health problem. The same therapist said I'm alright. And as such, being the only sane parent, I have to protect the kids from what their mother is doing. Sad but true. By the way, it all gets worse for any kid contrary to any expert. Kids will internalize the pain of a divorce and actually create split personalities - one for mom, and one for dad. Sad, sad, sad. The laws today make it too easy to get a divorce instead of what they used to be and that is to force couples into therapy. Irreconciable differences and "no fault" divorcre are relatively new (some time in the '70's) concepts in family law but they are grown-ups excuses to get out of responsibilities, committments, and just plain quiting.

Answer 7

i agree with you and im NOT one of those mothers lol...his new wife and i have a good relationship and we all put the kids first and my kids know it too. Plus we thought them to speak up at all times and to tell us when they dont agree with anything, arrangements etc between him and i.

His wife and i get along so its much easier that way and she knows i cant stand my ex so him and i try not to cost any conflicts in the fast 7 years, 1st year was hard but we both got past it with raising our kids togehter the best we can after divorce.

Parent should always think of the kids FIRST never of themselfs until age 18. When kids are out fo the house there will still be some connection/contact...im there now with one bring 18 and the other 14 and even when my 14 yr. old turns 18 i know they will still be around...we are all still family divorced or not.

Answer 8

I would wonder the same thing. My parents were divorced when I was 8 and I always sent messages back and forth between parents having to listen to the responses which were normally angry. It felt like I was on the recieving end even though they didn't mean it for me. My Dad always used to talk bad about my mom and his girlfriend always tried to be my mom. I moved in with my mom and step dad and things have been loads better. My mom would sometimes say stuff, but it was more of a venting thing. My mom and I are really close she always apologized when she did say stuff and stop when I asked. Sometimes it just slips out I understand, but parents have no idea how hard it is on kids to have their parents be divorced. I knew it wasn't my fault, but I was scared about them splitting up, and being the messenger for 5 years didn't help.

Answer 9

You are very right. My ex wife did the same thing and the boys do not know what to believe. She is a compulsive liar and goes from boyfriend to boyfriend. She lied in court she lies all the time and everything is me, me, me even at the kids cost. That is not a mother. She is just the incubator for humans. My grandma was a mother. Being a parent is giving your kids knowledge, teaching, love, compassion, healing and answers to their questions, even if it is no. Too bad though, the boys are 5 & 8 and individually and collectively they are smarter than her and when they find out her style looking from the outside in they aren't going to like her very much.. Her go around is yet to come.

Answer 10

which is exactly what DIVORCE IS...its weakness and total lack of caring for the children...ift hese parents truly loved their children and wanted what was best for them, then divorce wouldnt never even be an option. And everyone wonders whats wrong with todays children.....ha! Its the fact that their parents are too selfcentered to work out their problems and step up to the plate and raise these children together, they created them together..what changed?