Why do people change when it is said that you can't change someone?

Question

Why do husbands/fathers separate themselves from the family and then put the blame on everyone else?

Answer 1

All things change. That is the nature of life and reality. The question is whether they grow or die. The difficulty in a relationship is that all parties are changing but are they changing in the same direction or in other directions. Learn to accept the change in yourself before you try to meaure the change in another.

It is not only possible but probabe to affect a change in another person. The impossibility is to intentionally direct the change of the other person. Even in the rare cases where someone allows themselves to be changed and guided like sheep will eventually rebel against the leash. A good example is adolesence. WIth multiple infuences telling a person what and how they should be, eventually they strike out on their own and become an individual as opposed to a sum of their influences (not that their influences will have no effect but less of one). I'm sure we all remember this point in our lives.

The question "why would a husband/father seperate themself from the family?" needs more clarification. What part of the family is the h/f seperating themself from? A quit from the family in entirely (dissapearance) is likely the h/f seeing a fault in themself that they cannot tolerate another to see. A h/f seperating themself from a specific member of the family likely shows that they see a fault in the other that they cannot tolerate.

Why would this situation result in that person blaming others? First and foremost, could the others possibly be to blame? You are obviously blaming the h/f for seperating himself from the family. Is it possible that they are driven away? Is it possible that the h/f has felt the leash of guilt to the point wher ethey are rebeling and trying to create their own idenity seperate of what you are trying to change this person into. You obviously accept no responsibility for the situation yourself which may be the reason this h/f is seperating themself not from the family but from you.

Before I am accused of trolling, know this, I am the accused husband.father in question. How dare I invade my wife's privacy, you ask. QUite easily when it is left on the screen of the computer for me to find and close when I return home from work. How dare I make our private issue so public? Because it was already done so.

Up until the previous paragraph was a reasoned argument that I would give to anyone with the smae question. Here begins my diatribe.

This is the forum upon which I have had the most capability to speak to my wife about these issues so I will take thsi opportunity to do so. Why? You ask. Because we see each other for upwards of 40 minutes most days with the exception being the days one of us has off work. Our days off have rarely cooencided leaving us between 6-10 hours to grow together.

Have you changed me? Most certainly. You have changed me to a man who sleeps on the couch ost comfortably (the most recent couch was even bought with this in mind). Did she kick the scoundral out of the martial bed? No. While I had found several couches to be comfortable previous I had never set up a permanant residence on one until now. I almost never sleep in the bed even when you're out of town. It began thus (from my perspective of course since I haven't got another):

I snore. kill me now. I snore so bady that my wife would leave the bed and sleep on the couch. I snore so badly that my wife would even leave the bed complaining of snoring even beofre I fell asleep. Despite my wife's statement that she didn't mind, I noticed that she was looking more and more tired. So I stopped sleeping in her bed.

Why have I not changed in the ways you want me to change? Because the times that I have changed for you (you'll of course have forgotten them all) I have still never gotten the feeling once that you ever loved me back. I have never once gotten the feeling that you have accepted me mutch less loved me. Accept one of my faults, ever, and I may accept that you love me back. Allow me to make one decision and I will know that you at least respect me.

Why have we never had these arguments in person? Because it isn't allowed. Everytime the issue is broached, I am told that it is not the time for it. Hopefully this will alow us to make the time.

No, I have not poured out my whole heart here. Yes, I have attacked my wife's position but I have withheld anything of actual malice. you will think of me what you will and probably already do. I doubt my heart could be broken further by my wife so there is nothing you can do to me.

*edit*
Yes, I know I am hurting my wife. The only way my wfie as given me any indication that I will not be hurting her is to let her change me into the man she wishes she had married and not into myself at all. I would accept death before I would accept that.

Yes, I accept that I am seperating myself from my family by seperating myself from my wife emotionally.

Yes, I accept that my having other interests than my wife seperates us. I reason with myself that they are the only reason I have for going forward in life.

Yes, I do really speak this way and it infuriates my wife further.

Yes, I know you don't care. And she, I beleive, least of all.

From this pont further, I accept all blame unto myself, for I really couldn't care less anymore.

Answer 2

I think you're asking two different questions.

The first one's answer is simple...if a person WANTS to change, then they will modify their behavior to please the person who is having issues with it; if they don't want to change their behavior, nothing the other person does will make any difference whatsoever.

The second is a bit harder, deeper and overall more complex. And frankly there is no real single answer for it. Some people use distance and emotional abuse as a way to cover up their own insecurities. Others use it as a means to separate themselves from the situation, in the hopes that the other person/people will eventually get sick of it and leave (which is what they want, but are too cowardly to do personally).
Either way, it's a lack of morals, self-esteem, pride, love, respect and honesty that usually brings about the downfall of any relationship.

Answer 3

Because people can change themselves if they choose too... It is not our place to try to change others. The only one we have power to change is ourselves. Husband and fathers that do this that blame others feel guilty for what they have done and it makes them feel better to blame others to try to feel less guilty and bad.... They are in denial and dont want to face the problem so they so called devert the blame!

Answer 4

They might change for a while but the leopad never changes it's spot's

Answer 5

because they're not man enough to handle the blame
And they change by themselves, but WE can't change them.

Answer 6

There are two sides to every story --- have you given both sides your careful consideration---

Answer 7

they dont have responsibilities