What can you make out of this Poem?

Question

MY LIFE MY PAIN

my thoughts are for me to understand
coz my future seems to be unplanned
but on the other hand
I ask my self do I really want to be on the witness stand !
DO i really want to follow the law of the land

Who cares about the right or the wrong
who care about the truth
Come along !
Run Till you are outta breath
to a New begining called death!!!!!!!!!

Why do we even try to Change
to look good in someone elses eye
when you are not even sure
that person is going to be there to bid the final good bye

destiny, fate and karma got the best of me
well I just Smiled and said
gee!! does it always have to be me !!!

Answer 1

First fo all, don't listen to anything anyone here says or even me, okay? It's your poem, you wrote it for the mental release... you have more of a connection with ti than we do.

That being said... That is absolutely horrid. Don't post your **** on here anymore. We don't like it.

^^that is, unless you're in your early teens. IF you're in your early teens, that's pretty good. Try to work on adding imagery and changing line breaks to create enjambent (if you don't know what it is, look it up on www.dictionary.com that's a good site) Basically, what your doing with this poem, is telling the reader not showing them. Let me put it to you this way, your friend invites you someplace really cool and he goes and something crazy happens. then he's telling you all about it. Wouldn't you rather have been there? Yes. So show the reader, don't tell. Use specific examples and imagery to get your points across. Don't just say "Destiny, Fate and Karma got the best of me" Tell me how and why they got the best of you.
Also, your word choice is seemingly uninterested. You seem like any old word will do for you. When you revise, switch in and out some words that are very unique to you poem and that will add to the effect of it.
And finally, you seem to have the stanzas broken into a patter-like form (five lines, the third being shorter than the rest) that you break away from at the end. I ask you, Is that a point in which you are trying to shock the reader? is it a point where you said "Three lines will do."
If the answer is yes to the first question, you maybe able to make the line change work. If it is no, then I would convert back to five lines in the last stanza. If you said yes to the second question, immediately change it back to five lines. Never break a patter or form without it having distinct reason.

Hope that helped.

Answer 2

Someone whom is self absorbed and an individual throwing a self loathing celebration without consideration and respect for life.

Answer 3

Sounds like something John Dillinger wrote before he got caught outside the theatre. He was public enemy no. one back in the day. The lady in red betrayed him. I think, she set him up.

Answer 4

I read the title and threw up in my mouth. Every teenager writes that same talentless, poor meter and rhyme thing. Throw it away and go outside to play.

Answer 5

WHEN TIME ALLOWS MY MIND 2 SLEEP ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz. Seriously it sounds like you have a mind trying to figure out your feelings. Keep writing you'll soon see what true vision lies within.

Answer 6

well i personally like this poem... its pretty deep. i can see that its obviously about someone who is lost, and has given up on the wrold, or the world has given up on him. nice poem though

Answer 7

i agree with the other
though he's not my brother
the poemsawrite
but i'm far more tite
with my 2 point shot
thanks bro

Answer 8

"Why do we even try to Change"
change what? do what? have what?
the only thing I know for sure is 'To Be' . . .
than 'Allow' . . . there's no past, no future.
ONLY, THE NOW MOMENT . . .
relax, enjoy the ride . . .

Answer 9

It's pretty darn good in a dark humorous way. (no offense) I like it.

Answer 10

it stinks...just kidding. i am not good at poems thanx for da 2 points