How can I keep the "little things" from ruining my relationship? I want to just enjoy life and have fun but..

Question

often I find myself frustrated over the "little things" my bf does or doesn't do. For example, I dont like leaving the house unlocked and he constantly forgets and leaves doors/windows unlocked/open. Or, I often find that he isnt listening to me.. and I feel like I am talking to a brick wall. Anyway, I really do want to have a great time and not always be frustrated or iritated about things. However, I feel like if I am always cool about everything then the same "little things" keeps happening. I feel like communication is always key, so I try to tell him how I feel...so please if you have any other suggestions (besides talking to him), let me know what works for you or what doesnt. MANY Thanks for your insight!

Answer 1

The little things surely can add up. Try writing down a list of all the things you like about your boyfriend and then all the things you don't. See if some of the things you don't like end up being a symptom of a bigger issue. It might help you put things in perspective. And keep telling him how you feel. That's really healthy.

Answer 2

There is a saying that goes something like: #1: In the long run, the little things don't matter. #2: Everything is little things.

Although this saying has no basis in truth, urbanbutterfly, there is some wisdom within. I would suggest two things:

Your bf sounds like the typical guy whose mind is only concerned with three basic things. Food, sex and sports, not necessarily in that order. How you can help this situation is to reward him with small romantic prizes for taking care of the little things in life. If he remembers to lock the door, a small kiss can be rewarded. When he actually hears something important you said, and acts on it a week later just as you told him, then reward him with ♥. These rewards are messages that will get past the brick wall, and he'll eventually add a fourth thing to his list of concerns... romance. For as all romantics know, washing the dishes and vacuuming the floors is just as romantic (often more romantic) as sending flowers. Teach him romance, urbanbutterfly, and the forgotten little things will become fewer and fewer.

The second thing is for you. Remind yourself that you love this man with your whole heart and soul as only a woman can do. He is a typical man who is like most other men, so his traits need to be forgiven by love. Remind him with kid gloves when he forgets the little things, and start putting into play the reward system. He'll think he's getting the reward, but you'll know that you're getting the best reward of all. Peace of mind.

Answer 3

Since you put "little things" in quotes, you clearly do not consider them little, and if they are little in fact, the problem is you, not him. If your house is in an area with little crime and not many housebreaks, not locking doors and windows is not a big problem. If crime is a problem, then put bars on the windows so it doesn't make any difference, and use door locks that lock automatically so neither of you has to think about it. In other words, stop trying to change him but find a solution.

In general, you have to pick your battles. Make sure they are about important things and that there is no solution short of him changing or you feeling vulnerable or not listened to. If everything is important to you so you are constantly after him for something, he will tune you out and you will just be more frustrated.

Men and women are different and perceive things differently, and you have to be able to accept that difference or find someone of your own sex to have a relationship with. And I guarantee you even that won't work.

Answer 4

Going off and leaving the house unsecured is a "little thing" ??? You must live in a very low crime area!

People remember what they want to remember and make a strong effort to remember. If he's not willing to pay attention to your comfort requirements, to make personal changes meet those requirements, then he doesn't want "a relationship" he just wants "company".

In my marriage, I had to make a choice between either putting up with a fellow who, after 10 years of marriage still hadn't learned to re-close the toilet lid ... or to give him an ultimatum. I gave him the ultimatum (you have 90 days to show marked improvement), he kept right on leaving the lid/seat up, and I moved out of the house. A year later, we filed for divorce.

Yeah, you're saying "She divorced the guy over leaving the seat/lid up?!!??!?" ... But it wasn't the seat. It was his refusal to make even this small personal change for the sake of pleasing me.

Make some small ultimatums first, so he knows you aren't bluffing and really mean it. Escalate to "... or I'm leaving you" if you think it's worth it. Don't make ANY ultimatums you aren't ready to stick to, because you will probably have to carry many of your threats out.

BTW, I have been with my current guy for 5 years, and I've never felt a need to nag about anything ever. I ask only once "Can you use the blue mug for your coffee? The white mug is hard to wash" and I never have to mention it again. This man CARES for me.

PS. Don't let these people guilt-trip you about nagging. They are trying to cover up the fact that it is YOU who are the injured party here. You should not be put into a position of reminding a grown man over and over about the same thing.

Answer 5

Its always hard to find the common ground in relationship when communication isn't work, but at least you know that something isn't on par early on.

You are what you are, it takes big effort and time to change youself to do something that you are so used to do. I think attentive to detail is a good personality trait, it is also a good professional trait that would help you do your job good.

I think locking doors / windows before going out is what everbody usually do, and listening to your companion or love one is a must if you want to keep the relationship healthy. I don't think you are asking alot here.

If he forgets locking door/windows, chances are he probably forget to do alot of little stuff in his life too; like turning light off before heading to bed, leaving keys everywhere, etc. Maybe its he's problem, that he is easy to lose focus on what he has to do from time to time.

You need to prioritize what is important in your life, whether it is worth droping your habit to be with him or asking to be a bit more attentive and focus in what he does. It will take alot of effort and time to change him; if he is willing to do it at all.

Talk to him on these issues and see how he feel about it. If he feel you are just too annoying and say you should lighten up, then you may have to consider other alternative; unless you want thief/robber to take your valuable while you're not at home.

Answer 6

it sounds like you and i have some similiarities in this catagory. and yes, communication is always and the best key. do you speak to him about it much...WITHOUT nagging? men hate nagging, and i'm sure we feel very stupid afterwards by doing so, but try talking to him in a very calm way and let him know that you don't appriciate it when he does not listen/close the door/do what you simply ask him to do. do not yell at him and freak out which will cause him to be upset and not willing to do it more. but a gentle talk will help him understand and most likely try not to make that mistake again because you did not overreact on him. it's hard not to overreact especially if you have been asking him to do those things and he will still not cooperate, but like i said, just asking him politely will do the trick.

Answer 7

Don't let anyone tell you that the little things mean the most... that's incredibly shallow thinking. Sounds to me that you're nit-picking. How important are these things in the big scheme. Let some of them go... are they really deal breakers? You won't find anyone with the same ideas and quirks that you have... you'll just have to agree to dissagree on certain things. If you truly love each other... learn to laugh at things more than getting upset.

Answer 8

When you speak to your boyfriend about the door start with the words "this is important for me to feel safe, can you help me?". When you ask someone for help they are more willing to take action. If you say to him you didn't lock the door again, he will not listen and take it as an attack.

Be sure the little things do not become the big things in a relationship. Tell him when you appreciate something that he has done for you. Keeping your attitude and outlook positive will get much more accomplished.

By the way you are allowed to be angry at the big things, but the action matters.

Answer 9

i had that same prob. and i am usually not that forward but one day i was explaining what would happen at my best friends 16 b-day party and he wasn't listening to me so i bent over and i slapped him (not hard) but anyway i said, "look, this is a very important time for my best fri3end and everytime i tell you anything about anything then you juss stop listening to me and is getting on my freakin nerves so plz juss listen to me and i would be very very greatful so plz juss do me that favor and listen when i tlk and maybe i wouldn't feel so non-loved all the time" and after that he has always listened to me and when he starts listening to you juss tell hhim to close the windows and lock the doors cuz it makes you feel like your stuff will be safe the whole time you are gone. hope it works...good luck

Answer 10

The thing you need to do is find a way to love those little negative things instead of hating them. If you can see him as being cute for being forgetful about shutting the windows, then it can be a better way to look at it. About him not listening, do you really think you are going to be lucky enough to find one us (very rare) that actually listens to you? I think you have a better chance of winning the lotto.

Answer 11

It sounds like you might be sweating the little things, blowing realitively small bothersome things out of proportion. Surely there are bigger things in your relationship to concentrate on. Part of being in a relationship means making concessions for certian habits or behaviours. He may have a few things about you that bother him too.