How does one get past extreme feelings of insecurities in a relationship?

Question

I was in a loving relationship with a 33 y.o. woman for almost a year. She expressed her feelings very convincingly early on and I felt the same towards her. As time went on the problems began when we were not together. Her fears that I would find or speak to someone else when she wasn't around were so intense and extreme, that it inevedably fell apart for us. I never gave her a reason not to trust me. I realized that I had enabled her to feel this way also. Out of hope I could prove to her otherwise, she only expected more from me. Once it became to much, i told her i wouldn't prove to her anymore which added more stress to the situation. We would go through these episodes of her calling me a liar, to her appologizing and going on as it never happened till the next time, up to several time a day. I eventually gave up and ended it. I still care for her and wish i could have helped her. It was too exahusting for me. In your opinion what could have been done to salvage the relationship

people who dont love themselves aren't condemed to always feel that way though. It's a learned feeling to love or not love yourself..... How do you tap into this? Almost all of us have heard how a person can be torn down to feel worthless in a relationship even when they were secure with themselves before the relationship. The real challege is turning this in the opposite direction. - insecure before the relationship, made to feel secure after.

Answer 1

The feelings of insecurity were not within your relationship, they were within her. She would have to want to explore and deal with her past hurt in order to be able to trust again, and no one can motivate her to do that but she, herself. Mistrust based on a history of hurt is like an addiciton-the one experiencing it must recognize it and want to work on it before they can get past it. You being good, great, or a total jerk could not make her get past, or even want to get past what she has been through, unfortunately. Unfortunately, at the time you two were together, she was not ready to deal with her victimization, and none of your best efforts could change that, but it does make you feel better to know that you tried your best, doesn't it?

Answer 2

Insecurities and jealous feelings are the two most wasted emotions you could possibly have in any relationship. Did you ever think she could be guilty of whatever she was accusing you of??? (Guilty dog barks first) She may have a nasty past she's having a hard time letting go of. I think you did what you knew to do at the time with the given situation. And unless she's willing to change her attitude and mindset about the relationship, I don't think there was anything else you could've done. Sounds like your options were pretty much exhausted. Sorry things didn't work out. Maybe you could try to befriend her and work your way back into a HONEST, TRUSTING, OPEN relationship. If the foundation is good and sturdy, you should have no problem getting the rest of the building together.

Answer 3

You were right to get out. When a relationship starts consisting mainly of offense and defense, it's time to call it quits. Not your fault, though. People who don't think they are worth loving are always looking for someone to prove it to them. But it's impossible, and goes against what they truly believe in the pit of their heart. Which leaves the lover as being either a liar or flawed in some other way. I admire your determination, but since she didn't love herself, she could never recognize love when it was there (and never believed it anyway), because she doesn't know what it looks like, hence the increased demands and expectations. You can't love her into loving herself...only she can do that Let yourself off the hook, this one was NOT your fault.

Answer 4

she has issues with self esteem. i will try to make this short. she has abandonment issues in which she associates love with & if she does not feel abandoned she does not feel loved so she subconciously sababtoges the realation ship by trying to get you to abandon her so she could be right. thou she wants the realationship she also wants to validate the fact that she is worth nothing. she needs to come to a self realizaton that she deserves happiness & accept it or may need some kind of conseling or therapy if she is not strong enough to realize the psycolgy of what she is doing on her own. she calls you a liar because she does not belive the fact that she could be loved unconditionally. there is nothing you could have done to salvage the relationship the problems are rooted deeply within her & she needs to realize that before she can maintain (key word maintain) any kind of healthy realationship

thanks, ss

Answer 5

This is a very difficult situation you describe and obviously the problem was "her".You say you never gave her a reason not to trust you so you didn't do anything wrong. I think she loved you very much and she was afraid of loosing you. (that happend in the end).
In my opinion you could have talked to her about her strange behavior so that she could realize she'll loose you anyway if she doesn't stop.

Answer 6

she said, he said.

The true relationship is not being afraid of yourself. Once that is fixed, all the rest falls in its proper place - inwardly and outwardly.