If I open an advice column called "Ask Marianne," do you think I might get 8736 responses too? Ask me anything

Question

People problems? gotcha covered

Have the "going to work blues?" let me solve it for ya

Love on the fritz? you've come to the right place


Ok folks.......hit me with your best shot. What can I help you with today?

Beth,

Of course he's right. Spank your step dad then change your son's diaper. Very simple really. Hope this helps. :)

Kandy,
Shy guys are always the perfect date, so create the perfect scenerio. Leave a note on his desk saying, "I would love to take a walk in the woods with you. Nothing would be nicer than to sit in silence and just take in the trees and streams and luscious surroundings." When you see him smile as he reads it, you will know he's interested. Hope this helps!

Dear Redless,
Wow, sounds like quite a quandry you have there. Two women eh? Most men should be so lucky. My advice is to make sure both lovely ladies are aware of the other. Spend quality time with both making sure they feel they are equally important to you. Surely somewhere along the way you'll eventually muck things up with one of them and then your problem will be solved. Hope this helps. :)

Dear Monitorhead,

It is quite simple really. The chicken discovered the meaning life was to give unto others, so he crossed the road to help the woodchuck gather wood since he could not do so because the atmospheric chemistry of moisture droplets caused the sky to NOT be blue. So he took his many socks that he stole form everyone's dryer in the whole wide world and went to find Pamela Anderson who was licking a tootsie Pop at the G-spot Truck Stop where she "put out" an advertisement for free dee-coder rings with the purchase of viagra. And this is why the chicken crossed the road. I hope this helps. :)

Dear Mr. Sky,

I'm cumin to the conclusion that with terragon, you have now lost your spice for life. Let me see if I can offer some sage advice. Treat your heart gingerly. Perhaps with thyme you can make new friends. Have you met Rosemary? She is a bit shy and comes across as chili in the beginning, but she is basil'ly a good egg. At least I know her friendship will be a good pepper upper for you. If it doesn't work out with Rosemary, let me know. I'll cinna'man over for you instead. Hope this helps! :)

Dear Freyja,
He's that hot eh? Well don't stalk him. That's so passe. Steal his ipod and make him come stalk you. That's a much better solution. :) Hope this helps!

Jimbo,

It's hard to be beautiful eh? Hate just comes with the territory. You are doing the right thing though by changing your avatar from beautiful you to this hag. In no time, Yahoo will surely leave you alone once they realize you aren't showing the appealling stud you once revealed. Hope this helps. :)

Dear Laura,

Whereas I realize that changing channels via the remote is amazing exercise for your phalanges (fingers), typing is ever so much more so. Explain to your friends that this isn't a matter of entertainment, but physical training. You never know when Yahoo! will wisk you away to New York for a 48 hour answering marathon. You must be ready! Hope this helps. :)

Juju,
Give your wife a pearl necklace and she will never put you in the doghouse again. She'll never let you out of the house I might add. Juju....you dog you! Hope this helps. :)

Dear Joe,

Obviously you are not talking about au natural where the grass grows wild. If God's gift of nature was a little much for you, then I would definitely go with hardwood floors. A nice smooth finish is always best. Clean up is a breeze. You need nothing more than a lick and a promise and you are on your way. Hope this helps. :)

Dear Soon-to-be-famous-Jeff,
I'm sure that after my column reaches 8,736 responses I'll be good to go as your spokes model. I only have 8,722 to go. :) Hope this helps!

Dear Sassy,
I think you only have one choice. As Billy Ocean put it so well, you need to call up this guy and say, "Get outta my dreams and into my car." If that doesn't work, I suggest "No Doze." Hope this helps. :)

Dear X & Y,

Only for the men that dare to wear them. Hope this helps. :)

Dear NeuroProf,
I can see how asking this question on the street could prove to be fruitless, so I'm relieved that you chose this venue for such an issue. Afterall, once my 8736 responders read this, I'm sure several will feel compelled to contact you and listen to your concerns. They will be following your every word. Following... and following... and following. I'm sure you can then find the pick of the litter. But what a waste. Why don't we just let them submit their resumes to me and I'll pass them on to you upon perusal. Hope this helps. :)

Dear Mayah,
Well I'm not sure you are aware but there is an excellent new site called Yahoo! Answers. You can ask any random questions and the general public answers them. Great concept eh? Hope this helps. :)

Dear MamaMia,

My guess is you are a very nice person yourself. I'm sure your personality is comparable to those nice men hoping for your attention. Remember when you look in their eyes that they are just like you. Reverse the roles and remember the heartache. Open your eyes and see the similiarities with these kind men and you'll open your mind and your life to so many more wonderful possibilities. Hope this helps! :)

Dear Sweet QT,
**hands her an orange crush** That is your favorite is it not? To answer your questions: Man is only wrong when he is not right; Goofy is forever evolving while Pluto only continues to Re-volve; and I spotted my true love when I went on a blind date to a Stevie Wonder concert so anything is possible. I hope this helps. :)

Dear Kathy Ireland,
Wow, bad week to be you. Let's stop for a minute and look at the plus side. Masturbation will be a whole new experience. Just don't over work your recessive arm. Sounds like its all you have to work with. In the meantime, invest in some WD40. Hope this helps. :)

Dear Lady Lara,
I feel your pain. I'll let you in on a little secret... it's in the name. What works for me is the big ole "NOT" in my name. Go for something like Lara_not_Jolie. Even go "Sybil" on everyone and change it up now and then. Croft_not_Lina or Lara_not_the Pitts. People will catch on. Hope this helps. :)

Answer 1

Dear Marianne,

My life is in a big knot and I cant seem to untie it. I am a swimsuit supermodel that needs to throw up to stay thin. I decided to get a gastric bypass to make things easier. However the hospital ended up making a mistake and cutting my right arm off. After an exhaustive search they found the arm attached to a motorcycle victim. They got my arm back and after the operation to reattach it, I found I now had a penis in another apparent mixup of operations with a sex change. However stil no arm either.

To make matters worst the penis now attached to me was infected with VD and crabs. So I have had to shave with my recessive arm to get rid of the crabs. Since they now changed the malpractice laws in my state to where you can only get $2,500 maximum, this will hardly pay for receding hair loss creme I need seeing this penis came from a bald man.

If that was not bad enough I was at the mall and my shoe laces got caught in an escalator. Some people were able to pull me off of there but not until the escalator had ground my feet off in the grate. Since I am leary of hospitals now, I have simply decided to wear peglegs. Since I dont have any real peglegs I used the bottom parts of legs on a rolling table. It has been a strugle but I could roller skate everywhere.

Except for now that it has rained and the metal wheels on where my feet used to be are rusted and wont move. I tried to fix them but ended up cutting my good hand and getting lockjaw.

So what is a supermodel with a bulging package on the front, missing arm, wheels for feet that are rusted and going bald to do?

Thank you so much,

Kathy Ireland

Answer 2

Dear Marianne,

You do such wonderful work! I also enjoy your questions too! I hope you will keep asking too!

I have this problem at work. Yesterday I was told at a retreat that I am green. Now, plainly I am either pink with purple stripes or purple with pink stripes. I also don't appreciate the inference that I am inexperienced! Anyhow, the next day (today) I wasn't paying attention to my wardrobe decisions and now everyone is reminded that I am somehow "green!" Don't get me wrong, I think the environment is a dandy thing, but I don't think they are talking about my recycling habits. Just as concerning, I learned that most of my coworkers - even my boss - are blue and the rest are yellow! Now how am I supposed to cheer them up and get them some courage in the face of being an OSU alumni? Do I look green to you?

Sincerely,
Still smiling,
Cheshire Cat

Answer 3

Dear Marianne,

First time writer, long time reader!! I think you’re terrific and I love how you help all of these people. I have been too shy to write until now, and I really really hope you can help me. I’m at my wits end because I am constantly plagued by ten, what I like to call “eternal” questions, and I am counting on you to answer them all for me.

1) Why did the chicken cross the road? And why was it out of its cage at the poultry plant in the first place?

2) How much wood can a wood chuck really chuck? And why is it important that we all know this?

3) Is the DaVinci Code really really real? And were can I find a DaVinci De-Coder...they still put those in cereal boxes?

4) What is the meaning of life? People are always telling me to “get a life,” but I don’t know what that means.

5) How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? And why do I have to lick it to get to the center…wouldn’t it be smarter just to bite it in two?

6) Where do all of my socks keep going?

7) How can I get my penis to grow? I’ve tried Miracle Grow and I’ve watered it, made sure it’s gotten plenty of sun…but it just stays the same size.

8) Where can I meet girls? Ya know…the kind that put out. And what does “put out” mean anyway? I put out the cat every night, but I’d like a girl that actually stays in with me.

9) What’s a G spot? And is finding it a good thing? I also thought spots were bad and needed to be shouted out or something.

10) Do you have Pamela Andersons email address? I need a lifeguard for my new wading pool and I heard she was looking for work.

Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions…I know I can count on you! By the way, what’s your number, can I call ya? I have a lot of other questions you might find interesting!

Answer 4

Dear Marianne,

I'm looking for either a ballerina or figure skater to travel across the deserts of Mexico on horseback with me. Is this a hopeless dream, or can I ever achieve this? Currently I don't own a horse, nor do I know any ballerinas or figure skaters. This is a problem, and if not Mexico on horseback, then maybe I could hitchhike across Canada, commune with the Indians and poach salmon, or live on a sailboat in the middle of the meditteranian sea. How can I accomplish something strange and unique and where can I find an innocent girl who practices ballet, or even is mute and wears baggy clothes? Help me, Marianne, you're my favorite song. Leonard Cohen poetized you beautifully.

Answer 5

Dear Ask Marianne: Years ago, the youngest of my four children asked me if she was an "accident" because there was a gap of five years between her and her older brother. Also, I was nearly 40 when she was born. (never mind that I am not 40 yet, I went into the future and came back here - to the past - to ask this question)

I told her(or will tell her), "Sweetheart, an accident is when you crash your car. A surprise is when someone gives you a gift."

My daughter will be 21 this year (or in about 22 years depending on your linear view of time) -- she was the best gift I ever received. How can I convey this to her, when she asks after she is born? -- Mom in Yahoo Answer City

Answer 6

This is so weird. At work today I had the EXACT same idea for a question, but I was going to be the Answers Computer, dispensing somewhat nonsensical advice on demand.

Hmm... I guess I better think of a question.

Okay, Dear Marianne...
I have a stalker named Yuri who is sending me angry emails and strange, epic poems about his mustache. I don't know what I did to him or his gigantic mustache, but he just won't let it go. Is there some way to make peace with Yuri or discourage him, short of an all out war? Thanks.

Answer 7

Here are some funny ‘Random questions’ :)

1- Which is the weirdest thing that only happens in the movies?

2- Which is the worst punishment for kids?

3- Who's the most seductive animated character?

4- Which is the best food after a "Skinfull" of beer?

5- Which are most sociable - chickens or robots?

6- Is a scone a cake?

7- In poker should you fold, call or raise?

8- Which is the funniest thing to do in an elevator?

Answer 8

Dear Marianne,
Recently I've had the misfortune of having not one but two stalkers.
Both of these silly women have even gone so far as to post questions about dying their hair to get me to notice them. Now like most guys, it's always nice to feel like the broads just adore you, but I'm in a quandry as per what to do. Should I sleep with both of them, should I see who has the biggest bank account? Perhaps I need to get them together and let them fight to the death, I don't know. Both women seem nice enough so I'm at a loss, any advice you could give me would be most helpful. Thank you.
Redless in Toledo

Answer 9

Dear Marianne,

It seems of gotten myself some trouble. The treachery of spies has exposed the embellishment of fishermen, to a remora of laywers. The mixture of pharmicists can't remedy the ill a magnum of hitmen will deliver. Random minuscule sub-atomic particles organized into a vagary of impediments, with honest intent to confabulate. All of this while a plurality of collectives, idely passes time in a flurry. The circus in town has a shortage of dwarfs while the encroachment of fence-builders descends on the border. A density of meatheads ripe for the plucking wait to be made into pot pie. Filling the bellies of the poor starving masses with the obfuscation of politicians and economists. Only in the end (forgive me), we have the barf of bulemics. On point I wander aimlessly what is my question ? How long does it take to remove a kidney ? Can I do it at home and film it for Jackass ? Will it get me a book deal ? How much does it sell for on Ebay ? Oh yes and what's a pun ?

Answer 10

Dear Marianne,
1. I have two bratty, nagging and demanding boys, how do I discipline them?
2. My husband is lazy and I'm bored because he doesn't show me a good time and doesn't take me out. What should I do? Should I kick his butt? lol
3. Would you be able to handle 8736 responses?
4. How can I control the tempting thoughts in my head and the urge to flirt? Am I normal?

Answer 11

Dear Marianne:
The people I bought my house from left a dog in what is to, someday, become my office. It has "soiled" the carpet so deeply that I have spent $325.00 thus far trying to alleviate the aroma.

Should I send Eye Of Sauron to collect from the dead-beats?

Or just have Jimbo send over some Arby's and forget about it?

Maybe a little kimchee from Sanitizer?