Daughter & her childern moved back home!!!! HELP?

Question

My daughter of 20yrs old & her 3yr old daughter has moved in with my husband & I ,Things were good,she would help keep house,cook dinner & other little things to help out, we never asked her for money to help with running the house hold,one reason she doesn't work & she don't drive,her daughters father sends money every week ($60). A mouth ago she had another baby,the father is nowhere to be found so my husband & i are flipping the bill! Don't miss understand me,We love them very much! Since the baby has came my daughter isn't helping out any more,my husband & both work full time,I work 10pm to 6am and sleep is very little due to my daughter yelling all day long at her 3 yr old,I've been recoving from a hospital stay and can't return to work for about 5 weeks,my daughter hasn't done anything to help me out(i can't left,bend ,push or pull til i'm healed) so money is short and bills be coming along with hospital & doctor bills. So how can i talk to her without her getting upset ?

my husband has had enough of her having a free ride while we worry about how we are going to put food in the house and pay the bills,i understand him but i just can't throw them out,they have no where to go. So i need to know how to bring these things up to her without all h*ll braking out! Can someone help?

Answer 1

a heart to heart talk

Answer 2

Sit her down and explain to her that you love her and that is why her and her two kids are living with you. And you know it is hard on her to be a single mom with two kids and only 240.00 a month to live on the get clothes, food, diapers, etc. and she is doing a good job with her kids. But you are having some trouble around the house because of your surgery and would really appreciate it if she could help you out some more. Compliment her first and then ask her for a favor. She'd be a b*tch if she didn't help at all knowing that it's so hard for you, and your not supposed to be doing house work anyway, until your healed. Just remember she is 20 years old and has children of her own. She would probably get the most upset if you started telling her what to do like she was a child. Hope I helped.

Answer 3

I think that any way you come at her with this will make some one upset but its clear that she needs to help out. i would just be honest and tell her how much you love her but you really need her help. I would also encourage her to learn how to drive or she could at least learn to take public transportation. Also you could make up a list with her about what needs to be down around the house and how each of you are going to be doing your own part. i guess kind of like a chores chart. then its clear what each person is doing so she can never feel like she is doing it all. Also 3 years old is a good time to learn basic house hold chores so you could explain to her that well she is working she can be teaching her 3 year old if she likes. But i would just really let her know how overwhelmed you feel with all the house work and bills and how much it would mean if she could help out. You could also show her opinions on how get help. The governement has programs to help moms with children but she is 20 she should be able to take care of her self and her children. Sometimes the hardest things you have to do are for the best. If you continue giving her a free ride she will never leave because well she has no reason to be anywahere else. No one would chose to work when everything is given to you for free.

Answer 4

I hate to say this but I feel that the reason this situation is out of control is because you have already let things go to far. You need to just sit down and have a good talk with her. You need to explain to her that she has made certain choices in her life- like having children and had made some mistakes- like having a child with a man who didn't really care about her. What kind of man would run out on his own child????

It is your responsibility as a parent to show your daughter the light. It sounds like she has refused to take responsibility for her own life and that you're still her caregiver- literally! If this trend continues, imagine what is going to happen to her- and HER CHILDREN! She could very well do the same thing to her kids. The buck stops here! Break this cycle! Don't let her go through life thinking that someone else is responsible for her actions.

For your talk, I woud advise you to not attack her or be overly critical. Rather, you want to show her that you care but explain in a nice way that it's time that she grows up for her sake and the sake of her own children. She needs to start working and/or get in school. The military wouldn't be a bad option- especially since women can't be deployed to combat. She could become a nurse or learn another trade.

Hope this helps!

ASLAN

Answer 5

Let her know that you have no problem with her being there and are happy to help her get back on her feet but you need a little more help. Also try and make it clear to her that this isn't a permanent situation and she should be looking for ways to become self sufficient to support her two children. She could start by getting the father out of the picture, seems like he's nothing but trouble. Just try and ask her if she plans on getting a job soon or what her future plans are.. that should lead into a conversation or point in a conversation that you could mention the fact you and your husband are kind of struggling with the pressure of all the extra bodies around the house.

Answer 6

Hi,
I am sure your daughter is a good person at heart. But she is from those set of people whose eyes need to be opened by us. Maybe what you shared here t doesnt register in her mind.
Moreover, an unwanted issue should be nipped when its a sapling. So talk to her now before things get worse.
I am sure she should be reasonable.
Since you yourself have experiencce caring for a child I am sure you understand that she has her hands full with a naughty 3 yr old and an infant. So if she cannot do much to help, dont be upset. But she must do as much as she can.
This is a very trying and difficult situation for you. And in such situations most people do just the opposite of what they should have been doing and that is"Keep your cool, so that you can think. Be patient." In the end everything changes, even difficult times!!!!

Answer 7

See, it is not a common situation. You both ( your husband and you ) love your daughter, but problem here is you need to make her understand that she has got to "do" something. Only thing is she will understand. You just need to make aware of the fact that now you want her to "do" something. When she used to stay with you before her marriage, she is taking it even now in the same way. She does not know that you want her to do something - if not regarding bills then atleast regarding households. One thing you can do is talk to her directly. Dont think she will feel upset. Just make her understand that as you are not so well to do in health and you work too, it would help you ( and the home as a whole ) to have someone taking responsibilities. If you dont want to talk directly then From now on, when you and your husband discuss anything on bills or expenses or family responsibilities, involve her in the discussion and try to give her some responsibilities. Discuss such that you three divide the responisbilities among you. She will not take it wrongly. As she will see that every one is "doing" something. I feel, she just is not aware that what you people are facing. Make her aware. Also, involve her husband in the eventual discussion about how he is doing and what are his future plans. They both need understand that as you two are helping them, they need to help you two, too ! Relations never work one-way. Have the Best !

Answer 8

At some point you have to stop treating her like a child and worrying about her getting upset She is an adult and she made an adult decision to get pregnant and have these children. You need to make her start being a responsible adult and get her to focus on a future where she is able to support and take care of her self and her kids. If you don't they will all always be reliant on you. It is great when parents are willing to help their kids out of a jam, but they need to realize that part of parenting is teaching their kids to take responsibility. You've been the nice, caring parent for awhile now but now it is time to be the parent who forces their kid to grow up. Your daughter needs to spend the time and make an effort to look into what it will take to get her self a job and child care and all the other things that a real parent need to be responsible for. It doesn't seem like $60 a week is very much child support so if that is not court ordered she needs to pursue getting more there. She also needs to get a court order for child support filed on the other dad. The law has the ability to track down dead beat dads but can't do anything if she doesn't get an order of support. She needs to think of the future and how she would survive if for some reason something happened and you weren't there to take care of her and her kids.

Answer 9

Twenty years old is definitely not grown up and the fact that she has kids doesn't make her one. Be blunt to her. Maybe mention it nice at first tell her that you are gonna need certain things done around the house to help out. That you are helping her with her kids so she needs to kick in a little. It is very possible that she will get mad but get in the state of mind that you are doing her a favor by letting her stay there anyways. If she doesn't like it then she needs to make arrangements to find another place. Most states have good assistance programs. The only way she is gonna grow up is if she's made too.

Answer 10

Sit down with her just you and her, no kids around. And very calmly explain the situation to her. Show her the bills, let her know how things not getting done around the house bothers you. Don't put blame on her, but ask her advise on how you can all handle the situation and make changes for the better. She is an adult with the responsibility of 2 children, she needs to realize that it is HER responsibility and she is very lucky to have the help you and your husband are giving her. Good luck.

Answer 11

first of all don't worry about getting her upset, unless it will help her get off her lazy a$$ and help out...You now need to set some sort of goals for your daughter while she is living under your roof or tell her she has 30 days to find a place of her own. Do not, I repeat do not give an inch...nor put up with her making an attempt only for her to quit after a week or so....that's when 30 day count down should go into effect...you will not only be adding additional stress to your situation but failing to teach your daughter a valuable lesson on taking care of responsibilities...good luck.