I have just found out that my partner has had a affair that he has now ended. I understand that i was neglecting him and certain departments so we have pin pointed the problem and we are dealing with it. I have enough to deal with trying to sort my head out and deal with what has happened, but he says now that he is feeling really down why would this be?
Dont know if he is upset with himself and all the mess he has made or how much he has hurt me or what what do you think?
2006-06-14 01:08:02 · 27 answers · asked by dizzymooo 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Where I agree mostly with olderbutwiser I don't necessarly agree that he's playing you. How long ago did this depression come on. Was it recently, like after you and him figuered out the problem and started working on it. If so then his feeling are feelings of guilt for betraying you that way. From what you wrote it dose sound like he loves you but the infadelity was a result of him not being fulfilled. That, however, is no excuse. He should have come and talked to you long before he ever started talking to another woman. Be sure to place the blame solely were it belongs but don't second guess his emotions. If your gut is telling you his feelings are from guilt then your gut is probably right.
2006-06-14 01:53:16 · answer #1 · answered by honest guy 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
he is probably upset with himself because now you know the truth about what he was doing and is wondering what is going to come next. just because you were neglecting him in certain areas doesn't give him the right to go out and have an affair with the next woman he meets. if he really loves you he should have been able to talk to you about the problem but he was thinking with the other head and it got him in more trouble than he was in before! you have to watch out for number one and that is you! if your man has done it once chances are he will do it again when something isn't going his way and he will give you all the excuses he can to make it out to be your fault. i've been in that position before and it didn't get any better. he found out that he got away with it once and he just kept doing it until i had enough and made him leave. don't drive yourself crazy trying to sort out what happened its not worth it, there are men out there that know how to treat a woman right just let yourself find that man!
2006-06-14 01:26:35 · answer #2 · answered by ~Amanda~ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Either
He formed an emotional bond which he is now mourning.
or
His infidelity was not purely about satisfying a physical need. i.e he is dissatisfied with how his whole life (i.e. not necessarily his relationship with you) has turned out and the affair was a distraction. Now it is gone he has to face up to his dissatisfaction.
Identify the things he enjoys and encourage him to do them again. Maybe he needs to change jobs.
Supporting him will bes hard because you are the victim and are in pain. So you rightly feel that you deserve all the consideration. This is true, but forgiving him means exactly that. Harbouring grudges and nuturing your hurt will inevitably end the relationship anyway.
He chose you.
So you must be clear about your choice too, if it is to try again then forgive and trust. If you can not with all sincerety do this then end it and move on, otherwise you are prolonging your pain
2006-06-14 02:28:01 · answer #3 · answered by del-d 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The important part is to talk it out. Be completely open and both of you express your fears and hopes in the relationship. Find out if he still wants you and is willing to work through it, or is he holding onto you like a security blanket. Someone he can come back to if things don't work out in a different relationship. If he really wants you then make him be honest about why he's down. You can't read a book properly if you aren't given all the chapters. It's great that you're understanding about his affair and see that he had a valid reason although some might call it lame. Remember, we all make mistakes and deserve the right to make amends.
2006-06-14 01:20:28 · answer #4 · answered by josie s 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only way to find out what is going on with him is to ask him. You may not like his answer but I think you deserve to know what is going on with him as he has been feeding you with lies so easily in the past. At this moment he knows you are there for him but what about you. If anyone should be depressed it should be you after all you have to put up with all his lies and deceit. If things go wrong in a marriage you should try at the very least to try and sort the problem out rather then going to have an affair. I think your husband excuse for his affair is appalling. I wish you good luck.
2006-06-18 02:36:44 · answer #5 · answered by flymetothemoon279 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop blaming yourself, and tell anyone who says it's your fault to f off. Cheaters can always come up with a way to try and shift the blame onto their partner, trust me I know what I'm talking about here, been there done that lost half my stuff to prove it. I don't know the whole situation but I do know that if he cheated he doesn't have any respect for you, me personally I'd get out and never look back, yes it's hard at first but finding someone who's true to you is worth it.
2006-06-14 03:36:41 · answer #6 · answered by messedupsingledad 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
my ex cheated on me just the once and the thought of it never left my head and your partner had an affair. i did go a little nutty for a while then i realised that if he loved me as much as i loved him he would have never had gone with some slag for a one night stand unless he wanted me to find out maybe he didn't have the balls to leave me anyway that's another story, he did everything to try and keep me but once he had been with someone else i couldn't forgive him. He's probably only feeling bad cause he got caught out, don't beat yourself up about it! he should be doing everything to make it up to u but he's making up excuses to make himself feel better and your falling for it girl!
Be strong u don't need him, move on i don't mean go out and get another man just live it up a little u never know whats around the corner!
Big hugs xx xx
2006-06-14 01:38:17 · answer #7 · answered by blondebirdcrazy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you both have identified the problem, ended the affair and have moved on. He's probably feeling guilty / bad / unworthy to be with you. He's probably kicking himself for almost losing you. You sound like a great wife and I'd suggest counseling for you both. Someone else's insight can get you over that final "bump" in the road and allow you both to learn from this and move on. Good luck!
2006-06-14 04:41:53 · answer #8 · answered by Mike 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is down because he does feel bad and guilty for what he has done to you and this marriage. Be there for him and let him know that you love him and want to work with him through this. He may need counseling too and you may want to go with him. I think both things you mentioned are bothering him. He is upset with himself and the mess he has made and he also is upset because he hurt your marriage so bad and he does not know how to fix it. You also need to learn to forgive him over time too! I am here if you need to talk because i have been in this situation before.... We worked through it and are still together.
2006-06-14 03:58:43 · answer #9 · answered by Lady Hewitt 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It looks like you're trying to work through this. Just keep the lines of communication open. You've pinpointed why he had an affair, now it just time to pinpoint why he's feeling down.
If I were to venture a guess, it would probably be the guilt of his infidelity. Good luck to you, I hope you can get past this.
2006-06-14 01:15:09 · answer #10 · answered by -J 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋