How does the following paragraph flow while reading it???

Question

No wonder they both had slept so soundly all the way through this flight. Poor kids. The last few weeks had been a whirlwind of activities and planning, packing and preparing. Even Legalo's rabbits were now in the care of their neighbour, Mr.Jones who had told the boy that since he had a lot of caged birds to look after in his own home, rabbits wouldn’t pose a problem for him. Between the two of them a long and drawn-out conversation had followed, there, standing in the back yard. It had truly been a kodak-moment. Legalo had lifted feed dishes out of the cage, had pointed to what food was to be served in what dish. How store-bought food could not be mixed in with table scraps. And how much the bunnies liked clean water. Carefully considerate tales the neighbour had flown past Legalo, about how fussy birds could be and how much better they sang once the cages had been cleaned, had been convincing enough for the serious rabbit owner to leave the care of his critters into neighbourly hand

Answer 1

It doesn't.

Answer 2

Cindy, I'm assuming this is your work? If so, I think the majority of it flows pretty well. (It would help if you could break it into a few separate paragraphs, however -- it's a rather large chunk to read at one time, without the visual breaks.)

Doing minimal editing only to smooth out "awkward areas" (and leaving as much untouched as possible), here's what I would do:

--

No wonder they both had slept so soundly all the way through this flight. Poor kids.

The last few weeks had been a whirlwind of activities and planning, packing and preparing. Even Legalo's rabbits were now in the care of their neighbour, Mr.Jones, who had told the boy that since he had a lot of caged birds to look after in his own home, rabbits wouldn’t pose a problem for him.

Between the two of them a long and drawn-out conversation had followed, there, standing in the back yard. It had truly been a Kodak moment.

Legalo had lifted feed dishes out of the cage, had pointed to what food was to be served in what dish. How store-bought food could not be mixed in with table scraps. How much the bunnies liked clean water.

The carefully considered tales flown by Legalo in turn, about how fussy birds could be and how much better they sang once the cages had been cleaned, had convinced the serious rabbit owner to leave the care of his critters into Mr. Jones' neighbourly hand.

--

Anyway... VERY very nice.

I love how confident you showed yourself being, by "breaking" the conventional rules in ways that worked and made sense. Some well-meaning people have pointed out "errors" in your work... but they're not actually errors at all. I would ignore the comments picking on your grammar or punctuation, and keep doing what you've been doing -- you are right on the money.

I've worked as an editor/writer for my entire career, and I think you're quite talented.

Answer 3

Well the first three sentences flow, but it is not obvious how the rest of it relates. Comma after Mr. Jones, and you don't the "for him" at the end of that sentence. "Kodak moment" (capital, no hyphen) refers to making a great photo. The scene sounds cute, there isn't one single photogenic moment to which I could apply that phrase. "Carefully considerate tales the neighbor" is confusing. An easy fix would be to add "the" in front of carefully. If he's a serious rabbit owner, he probably wouldn't refer to them as critters, it seems out off place to me. I don't know if "leaving cares into" is acceptable in British, but replacing "into" with "to" sounds better to me.

Sounds like the start of a good story though, I think you've got some good ideas.

Answer 4

As an English tutor and writer, I can tell you that it has good content, but the flow is disjointed and awkward. The grammar needs to be cleaned up and there are many sentences which need to be edited. The punctuation is also a bit of a problem. Sometimes, the punctuation will make or break the entire story.

Answer 5

There are lots of errors. "Poor kids" is not a sentence in and of itself. Activities should have a period after it and the rest of the sentence should be used in a new sentence. There need to be several punctuation corrections. ",there," doesn't make sense. The word 'how' cannot be used to start this sentence. You find the rest of the corrections!

Answer 6

sure it works fine, the first half is fast and it tapers out in the second half, but apart from that its all good. if it was for a short story you've just taken half a page to pawn off the rabbit to the neighbours, so it must be from a novel..

Answer 7

The content is OK, but it doesn't flow and is disconnected wrt grammar and punctuation, and incomplete sentences.

Answer 8

It is all about preparation...preparing for a trip....preparing for the care of animals..etc