I am recently divorced and I'm hurt, jealous and angry. I have decided not to see my ex-husband at all beacuse it's the only way I feel I have some control. It hurts me too much to see him, but I don't want him to see that, because I don't want his pity. We have a grown up daughter and a 12 year old son, who spends his time equally between both of us. Now I'm wondering if my decision not to see my ex will have any impact on my son. We can always make the arrangements over the phone or via sms, but will my son feel bad about us not seeing each other? I never badmouth my ex to my son but talk about him casually and respectfully. I'm really uncertain about this and would appreciate some honest answers.
2006-06-13 12:15:46 · 20 answers · asked by Lotte T 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
As long as you are civil about your ex with your kids, your not seeing him on a day to day basis shouldn't hurt any more than other divorce situations, however later on down the line, he may feel like the two of you would never be able to be in the same room at the same time, and that can be distressing. Think of when he has a birthday party. Both of you won't be able to attend. Or even bigger (if this doesn't resolve itself) at his graduation or wedding! That could put him in a tough spot and he may feel like he would have to pick one of you over the other.
If you're concerned about your kids feelings, talk to them. Explain that at this point, seeing their father is distressing to you, and for the time being, you would rather not see him face to face, but you will hopefully get over this in time.
I'm sorry that you're going through such a tough time in your life. Things will look better as the days pass. Good luck to you!
2006-06-13 12:21:41 · answer #1 · answered by cnvrtblbug 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well what I can say is that your son is at the age where he can kind of make the derision himself. They are that way like around the age of 3 yrs. My opinion would be to try to be friends with him show him that you can get along find without him but really only you know your feelings don't let him see that cause whatever caused the divorce might have a big impact on your feelings But I assure you just suck it up and keep your head up and smile it will hurt deep inside but life goes on and as for your son all kids expect their parents to be together but as time pass try to see if there is a way for you guys to be friends and show your son that he will still have the confidants and just keep explaining to him that their will always be love there but its a time when people just cant live in a household and its better to be apart. Because some people do find it better they are friends that together. But this is not going to have a strong impact on your son as long as you are communicating with him and letting him know whats the deal. P.S I really think that you are doing right by not bad mouthing him because doing that do not make anything better but in due time it makes you look and feel better. keep your head up ok.
2006-06-13 12:30:51 · answer #2 · answered by darknlovely9981 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As long as your not seeing your ex is not hindering your son's time with him, it won't or shouldn't hurt him. Your responsibility as a divorced parent is to foster the relationship between your son and your ex. That does not mean you have to feed a relationship between you and your ex. Your son is old enough to make arrangements with your ex for his visits - you need to talk to your son and explain to him simply that you and his dad don't get along with each other any more but that you both still love him very much. As long as you keep judgments and animosity out, you and your son and his relationship with his dad should be ok
2006-06-13 12:20:29 · answer #3 · answered by beachbrd 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your action of not seeing your ex will or may ruin your chance of a good relation with your children in the long run. At least it will hurt your relation to your children because they will in turn get hurt because their mom does not want to see their dad at all. They can be defensive and blame you as selfish and more.
You need to get past the hurt and show your son that you are strong and occasionally agree to see your ex just briefly. You do not have to punish yourself either. However a few moments when you give your son to your ex will not really kill you at all.
Children never separate mom and dad from their minds. Even if they have different households, to them mom and dad will always be together in their heads. Even if you are divorced and hate your ex or cant stand to see him, your son may not understand your personal feelings but only his own. So I would try to procure a good relation with him (your son) and sacrifice a bit your own desire.
One , often as a mother, has to do that. SACRIFICE all for the sake of our children.
2006-06-13 12:25:46 · answer #4 · answered by noteparece? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I work in the "helping" professions. My feeling is that your son is lucky to have a good relationship with both of his parents. I am so glad to hear that you do not speak poorly of his father. Please continue to be as respectful as possible. Ideally, you and his father will become cordial toward each other. Until then, it is ok not to see each other. When you work through more of the grief and emotions of the divorce, you will be in a better place and can then be in the same room with each other.
I wish you and your son the best!
2006-06-13 12:24:02 · answer #5 · answered by Curious 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
have you talked to your son about why you divorced? My son is 12 and when we all went through the same thing, I made sure that the lines of communication were open; I had to let him know that he could ask me anything, or tell me how he felt about the situation. believe me, your son would rather see you happy, and if that means you not seeing the ex, so be it. be happy, life is too short.
2006-06-13 12:22:17 · answer #6 · answered by pockets 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My son is 14 and for the last 12 years he has been going to his dads. As long as your son sees his dad and the two of you are able to communicate via phone to discuss your son, he will be just fine.
You are not bashing the dad which is good. You don't have to actual see him.
2006-06-13 12:24:37 · answer #7 · answered by Simply Lovely 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, if it will cause drama to see him, then I would suggest keeping it the way it is. If you are that worried about it, sit down with your son and see what he feels about the situation. I would explain to him that you and your ex just didn't get along anymore and that you are glad that he still has a great relationship with his dad and would never want to change that.
2006-06-13 12:19:50 · answer #8 · answered by tiff98444 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just tell your son that you simply aren't ready. You need time to heal & get your head straight, he should understand without it affecting their relationship.
It's important to have communication, for the child but not necessarily friendliness unless that's what you both feel comfortable doing. Find a gentle way to explain to your son that you need time (& it may take a few years.)
2006-06-13 12:23:27 · answer #9 · answered by Jojo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personal experience, here! My parents split up and I played the "visit mom and dad" game for years before I got fed up. No matter how hard my mom tried to be respectful to my dad, I still found out what a scum bag he was. All I can say is that I appreciate my mom being honest to me and her own emotions. She didn't want to see him again and I respected her wishes. I saw him when I chose (or not) and she respected my wishes. I think the reason I respected her was because she had the guts to remove herself from an abusive situation, just like you did. Your children aren't going to benefit from seeing you be mistreated by their dad. I think you should stick to your guns, girlfriend!
2006-06-13 12:23:49 · answer #10 · answered by Flutter 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋