How can I help my 11 year old to be grateful and have positive role models?

Question

My boyfriend's 11 year old son just to came to live with us full-time. Most of his life he has been living in poor neighborhoods or shuffled to other family members with a drug-addicted, neglectful mom. We have provided everything for him that he has not had - especially unconditional love and attention, help with schoolwork, fun activities etc. He does not know how to say please or thank you!! This mortifies me. We are working on improving in school with the help of teachers principal etc. But this attitude of just expecting everything and never being satisfied AGGHH. Not to mention he has been allowed to watch rated R movies - all kinds of horror, sex and violence and has developed some less than admirable role models (rappers like 50 cent) yikes. anyone have any ideas other than just allowing the new environment to change him??? thanks!

Answer 1

Well for starters, "Unconditional Love" is the key! This child has been conditioned to do the things that you disapprove of. Just like he has learned these negative and unhealthy behaviors, he can unlearn them. Psychologists, Skinner and Pavlof used behavior modifications to bring about behavioral changes. You need to use positive/negative reinforcements. When he asks for something, you need to let him know that it is customary to say please or thank you. If he was not reared to do this, you should not expect it from him. It is up to your boyfriend and you to teach him the correct way of doing things.

Post on the refrigerator or the bathroom mirror house rules that he needs to abide by or chores that he must do. This is what is done in the public schools. Repetition and reinforcing those rules will cause him to take you serious. If you give him a chore to do and he does not do it, follow through with negative reinforcement (i.e., punishment, no tv or video games). In addition to this, you may want to get the child some counseling. He is probably very angry about his situation with his mother and the environment he's grown up in. You should show alot of compassion and do everything it takes to get him some help. He may also be very resentful of you, because of his mother. Try enforcing the rules for the next 3-6 months and see what happens. Reward him for good behavior! The key to this working is, you must be consistent!

Answer 2

This is a very touchy topic since it delves into child psychology. Its extremely hard to change conditioned human behavior, but possible. For you personally your best bet is to not show any serious anger towards him with the lack of manners part, but merely repeat to him in a friendly tone that whats going on isnt considered proper. Of course it will be up to the child to heed this warnings, plus if he's 11 dont forget the kids probably going through puberty. That is a HUGE time in the young male life with massive mood swings and often antisocial behavior. Some people feel that medicating their children with things like ritalin are the key. My personal feeling on that is it works but almost to a negitive end. Sometimes family therapy can help a great deal. Maybe try to start some activities to delve into his mind; Start up a journal! No better way to see behind the scenes.

Answer 3

First thing, speak to him, lay down all the rules and how things are going to be from now on... Second, when ever he does not say please or thank you, take back whatever you were giving him and DO NOT give it to him... He will realize that he will not get what he wants, unless he asks for it in a respectful manner . . . he will eventually get the hang of it, when he be so hungry that you do not give him the food.. Take away, toys and anything that he enjoys and only return them when he has earned them... also, you choose what types of movies he can watch, so there are parental codes that you can block on your tv the channels that you want, USE IT and block those channels that you do not want him watching.. Also, another thing that you can do to intimidate him, buy a baby tv monitor and put it in his room and let him know that you will always be watching him, until he proves that he can be trusted... If he wants to act like he cannot be trusted and treat him as such....

Answer 4

I lnow for a fact, what he really needs is love and support in all he does. If he does some thing wrong, tell him what it is and guide him to where he should be in a respectful way. When he does something good, respectful, thoughtful, or positive, encouragement is a great way to let him know you are proud of him. Maybe show him the other side of the world. Take him to the zoo, a family comedy (might i reccomend Madagascar) Comedy is key to a smile, smile is key to happiness, and happiness is key to success in life and whatever you persue. Make sure you show him how much fun it is to live life happy and

Answer 5

You have a difficult and challenging task ahead. Sounds like you are doing a lot already...and it just may take time. BUT, I strongly advise an after school mentoring program, but don't just give him things, make him earn them. Give him jobs, and pay him, or perhaps get a paper route or lawn mowing jobs, etc to earn money for things. Children do not respect things that are just handed to them. Also, you could get him involved in a giving project...helping in a soup kitchen, volunteering with the Red Cross, something where he sees other people in need. GO TO CHURCH. That will help too.

Answer 6

Easy... let him know what it's like not to have things like that... This may sound a bit cruel for an 11 year old but make him watch the news, have him read about children that aren't as lucky as him. But don't be so quick to judge... he might not be spoiled and ungrateful like you're thinking. Learn to know him a bit and set boundaries, let him know how to earn respect.

Answer 7

Take him to church.
Take him to do service projects in homeless shelters, etc.
Teach him how to get his mind of himself and to think about the bigger picture in life.

Answer 8

It's ok. just support him, always.