how do i tell her that her husband has another family?

Question

i actually don't wish the 1st wife is still so innocent and is not aware at all about husband's marriage with another. Sometimes, I would like to turn up and tell her that "you are my big sis and hubby is being fair to both families". But deep down in my heart, I just can't bring myself do so coz she might not able to accept the blow because she is uneducated, not skillful neither not knowledgeable, stubborn and too dependant on hubby.

However, when I discuss this matter to my hubby, he would always replied to me that he will handles tactfully. I would not interfering his acting but I do warned him that if anything happened on him, I would brought my children and pay the last respect in front of the 1st wife and other of his family member.

Pls advise what other methods could resolve in a win win situation?

Answer 1

There's no win win situation in relationships like this. If you can accept your husband to maintain parellel families like this then don't interfere the other family by confronting the wife. I believe at one point or another, given any foolish wife would have suspected the husband's infidelity. Perhaps she's trying to deceive herself, denying even an obvious clue. She could just pretend stupid, act blur to continue to be the dependant wife since leaving the husband is too much a stake for her. What about yourself? Are you too not in the state of denial... knowing he could have told her but yet he hasn't? Why? Because he can selfishly get away from all the troubles while he could have just continued to enjoy the benefits of the harmonious parellel families. Now, who's the 'smarter' one, you or the wife or him?

The fact is you are in frustration of being in the no-control state over the truth (coz it's all up to the husband to break the news), that drives you even more want to tell the wife.

Why bring yourself to sympathize a wife like that when you are the one that should be pitied for 'sharing her husband'?

You have the choice to continue to 'enjoy your misery' OR move on with your life & hold your peace if you can't leave him.

Answer 2

I am really confused. Are you the other family? Your sis's husband has another wife? a first wife, a current wife, and a wife on the side?? Where exactly do you fit into this picture? Are y ou one of the other wives? of your sis's husband?? And who are you calling uneducated????
This makes absolutely no sense. But you should come clean, to whomever is in such a messed up situation as this one sounds to be.

Answer 3

why don't u work on yr big sis weaknesses. Listen,the bobble will DEFINATELY burst.Talk her into improving herself incase of any eventuallity maybe her husband loss of job or something or even giving an helping hand to the familyand herself.If u could point out these weaknesses then the husband could give u a thousand reason 4 doing what he did.The deed has been done already, talk her into what will make her stand and keep her going when she actually find out. u are not doing any favour by telling her now . Pleaseeee work on her to improve herself 4 the raining day.

Answer 4

There is so many other options out there. If he truly loves you, those options you guys can explore together. My Aunt and Uncle went through the same thing. They adopted a little girl, who is now 12 and the love of all of our lives. Don't jump to conclusions, without discussing it with your husband first.

Answer 5

Is he married to both of you at the same time and she does not know about it? Is he a bigamist? I would ask him to be the one to tell her. This is right and if he does'nt you will need to. You also need counseling and help for this. What does he do with the other family that he has? Does he see his other kids at all? This is unfair to both of you as women. If he refuses to tell her and you dont it is better for you to leave the guy and seperate then to be the "other woman" That she does not know about.

Answer 6

exactly what are you saying, your sisters husband has another family, with who. and what do you have to do with the situation outside of it being with your sister. You didn't really explain the story in a way to make it completely clear

Answer 7

It might be a very good idea for you to mind your own business. Keep your mouth shut, this is not your affair. You have no idea who knows what. Leave it that way and butt out.

Answer 8

Tell her right away, I would not have hesitated on this matter. It is totally unacceptable for him to have two families like that.

Answer 9

You should leave the "poor" woman's husband. He is not your husband. If he is, than it's called bigamy, which is illegal. So you and he are committing a crime.

Don't be proud about your position. You are the poor thing, not his wife. You are not even his other wife....you are a mistress having his kids. You may be more educated than she is but for all your education you can't even handle your life well. Although you are educated you make the worst of life's choices ie to be someone's mistress. She may be unknowledgeable, but you the knowledgeable one is making the greatest of mistakes by being the "other" woman. You are the stubborn one in wanting to fight for someone's husband. Are you not dependent on this man? If you are independent I don't think you have to choose being second class to his wife. If you are independent you would be having a good career and having a husband to call all your own and not having to share one. Your chidren cannot even tell their friends who their father is because this man (their biological father) does not want people to know the he is their father. He has to keep your children a secret from society like some shameful sin to be kept secret like a skeleton in his closet. Technically and legally he is not their father. Your children's self esteem will be so low because they do not have a "father" who can take them out openly as any normal family. Your time and your children's time with him has to be spent somewhere hidden from his family and friends. When your children grow up they will understand everything and they will secretly curse you for putting them in a position of shame.

You are the secret, not his wife. That's why you call yourself "Secrecy Mrs". Everybody knows who his wife is, but you are a nobody, invisible, unmentionable, unpresentable to the family, unrecognised by his family and society and the generic name for your children is "bastards". He doesn't DARE to mention you to ANYONE. You are his shameful secret.

When he says he will handle it tactfully, he means he will never expose you to her and his family. He won't hurt her because he loves her. He is ashamed of himself, you and your children. When he dies, whatever you do will not matter, because he is already dead and not around to be fought over for or share with. You and your children will be left unacknowledged by society and his family. If you present yourself and your children at his funeral, you/children will be snubbed and you/children will feel like fools. You and your children will feel like beggars.

The win-win situation is for you to leave him now and find yourself another man. Your children will respect you for it. If you don't leave this man, your children will secretly despise you for what you have done. You are a very bad example for your children. They will despise you for not respecting yourself enough. If you don't leave this man you are the stubborn one and the dependent one, not his wife. His wife has all the right in the world to be dependent on him because she is his lawful wife. If you are so capable, find yourself another man, not snatching away someone who belongs to someone else already. You are a thief and a robber. Do you want your children to be thieves and robbers too? In fact they are; they are stealing and robbing what belongs to someone else ie the wife's and childrens' money and their father's time.

I challenge you to find another man if you are so capable, knowlegeable, educated, independent and not stubborn. If you can't, then you are doomed to this kind of life...a life of invisibility, secrecy, shame and bitterness because he refuses to tell his wife about you and your children. You will increasingly feel hatred for yourself and for your man (I won't call him your husband cos he is not). You will increasing feel bitterness towards him for making use of you but not giving you the recognition you so deeply yearn for. He "loves" you for the "extra" sex he gets from you other than from his wife......he is using you to satisfy his sexual desires. He loves himself the most, that's why he is keeping you. You serve his purpose. He is not serving your purpose honorably, sincerely or genuinely. You are his side-dish. He wants to have it all, ie his wife, his first children, you (the sex machine) and your children (his bastards to whom he agree to have just to keep you happy and hanging on). If this man's having and keeping you is "right" in the eyes of God, you won't have to ask this question in the first place.

You say you don't want the wife to be so innocent and unaware of her husbands "marriage" to another woman. Are you so kind? Are you thinking of her welfare? If you are kind and have compassion for her, then leave her husband. He's her husband, not yours. Any marriage ceremony you may have with him is a scam, a phony and not admissible by law. If you are knowledgeable, you should know that.

Answer 10

itss your sister she should know, thats something importnant.it will hurt but she will get over it and accept it