Is it ok to stay in a marrage for the kids?

Question

After 18 years of marriage, I find I am squarely seated on top of a loveless marriage with my only hope being when the youngest is out of high school in four year so I can leave. I don’t hate my spouse. I just do not get the affection I desire from our relationship. Specifically, she will not even kiss me. Not even during sex. She says she doesn’t like me being in her face… (I have checked the breath too) I feel totally rejected. I also am not attracted to her appearance anymore, either. These are a few things I am thinking, can I have others opinions?

Kids are 17 & 13

Answer 1

NO ONE CAN TELL YOU WHAT TO DO..... YES WE CAN GIVE OPINIONS AND I HAVE A FEW, BUT WHAT IS YOUR HEART TELLING YOU...... SOMETHING MORE IS GOING ON HERE THAN MEETS THE EYE..... SIT DOWN AND PUT IT ALL OUT THERE..... LAY YOUR CARDS ON THE TABLE ....... TALK TO HER STRAIGHT UP....... ASK HER IF THERE IS A PROBLEM SHE IS NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT...... DON'T EVEN TRY TO READ MINDS, ASK !!!!!!!!! YOU MAY GET YOUR ANSWER........ GOD BLESS

Answer 2

No - don't stay in it for the kids! Stay in the marriage because you said you would when you took your vows. There was once something there - rekindle it - don't give up. All marriages hit flat spots and some last many years but this only means that you need to break the cycle and do something differently because what you are doing and she is doing is not working. Once you decide to stay in for the kids, you are throwing in the towel. Why do that? You are there - make the best of it and if nothing else - even if the marriage fails - then you would have learned something for a future relationship. Be happy, cheerful - keep smiling - no matter what she does and says, be the bigger person but keep it to yourself (don't wave it like a badge of honor). You can do it. Be passionate about your life and your marriage - if she wants to quit, let her but you don't have to do so. If it ends, you will be able to put your head down knowing that you gave it your best shot! I made the mistake of quitting on my marriage when my wife had an affair. I couldn't get over it but in retrospect, as bad as it was, I eventually forgave her but my emotional withdrawal had done so much damage that it was too late. Marriages are not just about the husband and the wife - there are the kids, extended family members, friends, so much that is lost when it ends! As I write this I am in my apartment alone when before I had a house with a wife (18-years) and two kids (I see the kids on alternate weekends). I have to deal with my soon to be ex-wife bringing her boyfriend around my kids. Do you want that? Probably not. Work on your marriage - don't give up - the price is to expensive! Good luck!

Answer 3

I'm in the same boat you are in. I've been married for 13 years and I have 4 kids, youngest is 5 and I have no passion for my husband what so ever.and I'm thinking of divorcing him. I don't like to kiss him during sex or otherwise just because I don't want to be that intimate with him. Our sex sessions are very basic and to me the less touching the better. I have no desire or intimacy or warmth in my relationship and that is my husband's biggest complain but I can't help it. I just don't love him or feel any affection towards him. I'm basically there for the kids. Problem is.. to satisfy the emptiness in my life I had an affair . So my advice to you is this, think long and hard about this, do you really wanna stay in this relationship for your kids, try to find love somewhere else and end up hurting your self, your spouse and mainly your kids . Try to work things out with your wife. Take her out to a quiet dinner , only the two of you and have a talk with her. Let her know what is bothering you ask her why is she so distant ( I loved kissing my bf but not my husband) There is always a reason for change in a person. either they get bored, life gets too routine, they need a change. Try the talk or therapy if you are willing to save this relationship . Best of Luck

Answer 4

You sound truly unhappy which is a shame.

Is your wife at all flexible about things; is she interested in improving your relationship? I truly believe that it takes two people to work on a marriage. You can put effort into it (and it sounds like you have) and that can help the marriage, but a true marriage isn't a solo endeavor with one person trying hard to make up for the other person's lack of willingness to make an effort.

I'm not sure staying together for four grim years will be better for you child than splitting earlier, but more pleasantly. It will be hard for your child no matter when you do it, but living in an unhappy home can be hard, too. Can you and your wife communicate at all about things? If you do stay, I hope that the household can have an atmosphere of respect, even if caring and love for each other are impossible.

I trust you both do love your child, right? That's an important thing to keep very much in mind, very much in evidence.

Truly--good luck to all of you.

Answer 5

This is a double edged sword. If you leave, you will hurt the kids, if you stay you will hurt the kids.
Staying sounds like the "right" thing to do, but face it kids aren't dumb, especially when they are as old as you said yours are, they have picked up on things already and you just don't know it. You are sending them the message that marriage is about being miserable. And that you've been miserable because of them, to make them happy you stayed.
Leaving sounds good too, but then you run the risk of having your kids feel like it is their fault, (that is inevitable in divorce) and feel like that when things get tough, they should just bail out and take the easy road.
Like I said, a double edged sword.
Talk to someone, not a minister they always say stay. Try a friend or therapist. Try talking to your wife, she sounds just a miserable as you do. You might agree on a way to stick it out for you child, but in a way that you can be less miserable if not happy. If you can't do that, then you can at least talk to your child together so that it doesn't become a situation that places blame on one parent over another.

Answer 6

My philosophy is never stay in a marriage if you are not happy. Staying for the kids only makes it worse sometimes. The kids see their parents in a loveless environment. My parents are together after 30 years for convenience. Neither could afford to be on their own. They havnt slept in the same room in over 10 years. But I also cant imagine them being apart. They are miserable and make each other miserable.

If you arent happy and neither of you are willing to work on it, then its time to leave. The kids are old enough to understand, while it may hurt, its your decision. Dont torture yourself just for the kids. You can still be a good dad and not live together.

Answer 7

I believe you need to do what you think is best. My opinion would be to separate, kids are very smart and they know whats going on with out you or your wife telling them, they pick up on all these vibes. If you feel that you need to stay , or you think that the best thing would be to leave then more power to you. YOU are the only one that needs to make that decision. I am in the same situation, but because I have no other place to go and I don't have a job I could not afford to leave, but as soon as I can provide for myself and my children (if they follow me) then I'm gone. We rarely talk to each other, we sometimes sleep together, most times we don't. I say if you are not happy then you cant make anybody else happy. Think about yourself, you deserve it.

Answer 8

your kids know that you love them and are old enough to understand that you are not leaving them. If you are not still in love with your wife there is no reason to be married to her it is not fair for you and its not fair to her your with someone that you are not sexually attracted to and obviously she feels the same way if she won't even kiss you while making love or having sex what ever you call it between you and your wife. If that's not what you want to do then talk to her about it and try to work out yalls marriage it will only be right "till death do us part" but like any one these days even go by that so why even get married you marry someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and come to find out you spend twenty years with each other and get tired of the same thing.

Answer 9

I would try counseling. You need to find out why she is behaving this way. Could she be having an affair?
Sometimes it is better for kids not to be in a loveless marriage. They are forming their ideas of what a marriage should be like by observing their parents. You are both providing a very bad example. See if counseling will help. If not, move on.

Answer 10

If you don't love her anymore, there's nothing you can do. If you stay in the marriage, it will breed contempt between you and your wife. This anger and frustration has only one place to go; to your kids. If your really thinking about your childrens well being, you'll divorce your wife, and live as better people, away from each other. That way the both of you can be loving people around your kids, and give them positive role-models

Answer 11

I don't think people should stay in a marraige for the kids, because they can feel the tension building in the family environment, and it creates stress and anxiety. It is more sane to have a sincere discussion about the subject with your spouse and separate, and be friends and your children will feel better, unless the decision would cause financial struggle for the children.