we had a pretty rough 5 years and it started to get abusive, involving drugs and alcohol, on both our parts. I feel like he is my soul mate and I can't get him out of my head. He says he still loves me and we still sleep together when we see eachother. But will he ever step up and take care of his family? I miss him every day, and can't stop being lost without him. I don't know how to move on, or get him out of my head. I wish he would clean his act up, but he won't quit drinking. I just don't know what to do to move on.
2006-06-12 15:55:43 · 18 answers · asked by Stacy S 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Stacy,
When you've spent as much time with someone you love as you have and during that time also struggle together through various dependencies then even those struggles become things we tend to hang on to, despite the bad times associated with them. They become a connection to what we learn to perceive as our own reality so we hang on to them because we find hope or security in them even when that apparent reality is in fact not healthy or secure at all. You've made changes in your personal life obviously to discard some of those dependencies while your significant other has not. Yet you hang on to the one dependency that in the last 5 years has been a constant in your life and that is him, his very presence of being there close to you, touchable and reachable. You still see each other, you sleep together and you do this because you choose to look past his unwillingness to change. Why? Because for you, despite the past, you still try to find hope in a situation that seems to never offer any in return and you can't see yourself either giving up or drastically changing your life to leave it all behind. Maybe this is because you feel you have put so much into it and because by still being with him in certain ways it allows you to believe it may all change. Or, maybe you're just afraid to look to a future of starting over and rebuilding your life without him. Starting over can always be a scary proposition for any of us and just taking the first step is the most scary of all. Not unlike when a child pulls themselves up to the coffee table and for the very first time takes that single step without holding on. We risk falling down but if we measure our risks to minimize the fall then we find security in that and pull ourselves up and take another step. Reading all that you've written and having somewhat experienced similar situations I would be inclined to believe that for you to move on, as you want to do, you truly need a whole new start. New surroundings, new friends and new opportunity and again in my experience I've found the best way to do that is to put distance between myself and the past somewhere new and start fresh in life. Maybe this is for you too or at least something to consider. Scary thought? Sure it is but for someone who's obviously been through as much as you have then I suspect you're a strong young woman who is more than capable of doing so. I will hope for the best for you and should you need a friend in the future then all you have to do is reach out.
Best Wishes Always
2006-06-12 16:24:29 · answer #1 · answered by fun_guy_otown 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well, if you can, move out of the area. Find a new job and a new place to live. Getting away from the reminders that bring him into your mind and heart can make your daily life very hard. If you can't move, then throw out anything you can that is related to him, but doesn't have big value. Any beer in the fridge or his clothes or anything that's not important. Take photos and other such things and put them out of your normal sight. It seems you really need to cut him out of your life and it's best to just move and clear your life of any reminders. Spend some time with your friends. The worst thing to do is to find another guy right now. Many people will say that, but you will just wind up feeling used, upset and sad. Just don't do it, this is coming from a guy too, so I hope you can see some honesty in my words, because most guys will tell you just to jump into bed with someone. That's not the right thing to do. Also, stop going to bed with him. That's doing more damage than good. If you have something you like to do like reading books or watching movies, spend as much time doing that as you can, and don't read or watch romantic things. That won't help either. Try to keep your mind busy and off of men for a while. Maybe in six months or so, go back into the dating field and maybe something nice can happen. Spending time here can be good too. Maybe set a goal to get to level four or five or something and avoid dating questions and you can keep your mind occupied on other things. Try to enjoy your days, smile as much as you can and all things will work out for you in the long run. The important thing is to try to be happy. Life is much too short to no be happy.
2006-06-12 23:05:39 · answer #2 · answered by spudric13 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
remind yourself he's a bad example for your kids when you think of hanging out or sleeping with him your torn because you don't have a clean break from him it's like carrying a broken limb around cut it off totally it will be painful at first but the only way to really heal Besides it sounds like he is using your lingering feelings as a way to get free sex if he really loved you he would be home he doesn't even deserve your time think of it that way your better than that If you stay tied to him your also not allowing yourself a chance to be happy no one will hit on you with a lingering ex around he knows that too and may be trying to control you that way Tough love is good show him what he lost maybe he will wake up and stop drinking for your kids sake. but your just letting him get away with it Also don't let your thinkig trap you and keep you from moving on Myth one : my kids need there dad ---they need a good example and will be happier if they see you happy and you can't hide your unhappiness from them even if you think you can Myth two: i have too help him---your not giving him a better life your just allowing him to not change let him hit rock bottom Myth 3 : i won't ever love someone the same way again You probably won't love the same it will be different not so free and trusting but it will be better because you won't put up with anything doing something about being walk on is freeing you know it will never happen again! Godbless you and your kids
2006-06-12 23:06:57 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
im so sorry, sweetie, im the guy that just got broken up with after nearly 5 long years of what i thought was the best relationship. I wake up every morning with a gnawing, despare feeling in my guts the eats me alove. I CANNOT get her outta my head, she is my one true love, and I love everything about her. Im so sorry to hear that there is another person out there in this world going through what I am. Feel free to email me or whatever, if you need someone to share the **** with, you know what they say, misery loves company, lol. Keep your head up, gal, everything will work out for the best on behalf of the best. I know your pain, and im sorry to hear youre going through it too. Just keep try to remember that your mind does have ultimate control over your heart. As soon as you feel hurt, take your mind and try to crush that right out. If hes the right man for you, and man enough for you, he'll square himself away, and trade in all the drugs and bullshit for a good clean lovely life with a deserving gal...you. You'll be in my prayers, and I dont even know you, but i know the pain, and no one should have to go through what you and I are. :)
2006-06-12 23:03:20 · answer #4 · answered by powerlifter1985 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, stop sleeping with him. Second, keep yourself busy with NEW interests, friends..... anything that YOU want to do. It gets easier with time, but you have to be alot stronger than this. Everyday add to a list of the things you DON'T miss about him. Learn how to be you again. No rebound relationships!! You can get through it, you just have to WANT it bad enough. Good Luck!
2006-06-12 23:16:43 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You see the problem right in front of your face. Time is the ultimate healer, stop sleeping with him when you see him and I assure you that it would be alot easier to detach yourself form him...he knows that you would have sex with him so he is coming your way. Try saying no, until you clean up your act...this isn't going to happen. It would hurt..but you are doing this for yourself remember that, being in such a negative environment is only going to bring you down...take time to find yourself again, do the things you want to do..be who you want to be..if the two of you are meant to be..it will happen.
2006-06-12 23:01:09 · answer #6 · answered by micheypoo 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
try to keep yourself occupied with things you enjoy doing...go out with friends, listen to musci..do anything that keep u entertained and try not to think of hin..i know its hard and im sorry. try to get away from everything that remind you of him or of u guys. throw away his things and thinds that remind you of him. or put them away were u can see them for a while. trust me, youll move on! even though it feels like u wont, trust me, you will. and learn from this. so ur next relationship wont go in the same path. dont have sex with him or whatever, because that shows him that he can have you no matter what. just keep ur distance from him if u still wanna b friends. u can email me if u wanna talk more! â¥
2006-06-12 23:01:12 · answer #7 · answered by Ladylucious 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is not good to have sex with a person who were dating all of them years ,because he will have you but not have you. Do you understand?Communication is the key and you all need to have one the next time he think hes coming over to wax you up.Pray together and hell stay together with you and he will see where you are really coming from.
2006-06-12 23:02:29 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you have no self esteem
you do not know what true love is
true love does NOT sacrfice one's self for the other
such statement as love of my life and in the same paragraph mention abuse shows your nativity in matters of the heart and you lack of self being. you need some serious time alone and devote time to be strong for your family ( and He is not it )
you should NEVER take him back even if he ( doubtful ) seeks treatment for his drug abuses.. as you have been damaged emotionally and should not be in any relationship as you are incapalble of making healthy choices.
good luck.
2006-06-12 23:01:26 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Change your number, get help with the drugs and alcohol cause it'll only remind you of him and go out on a date.
2006-06-12 22:58:53 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋