I have been in a rel/ship for ~10yrs now and for the last 2 years things have not been going well for us. During this time I have told my b-friend that WE really need to work on US, his response is we will once (fill in any excuse here that fits). Well now, he finally realizes that I have been neglected am lonely and wants US back again (emotionally, intimately I haven't moved out or anything like that). He is working SO hard and I just don't care, it seems like I want for him to completely understand how lonely I have been over the last couple of years, and I KNOW THIS IS WRONG, but I just either am use to the loneliness or I'm being a ugly hearted woman. I love this man I have NEVER cheated on him even when things were awful and I really do want US back, but I don't know how to let go of the pain and resentment.... any help would be greatly appreciated
2006-06-12 12:51:59 · 25 answers · asked by nsparky1 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well, I don't think that I would say that there is anything "wrong" with you. You are angry at him, you are resentful of him and the way that he has treated you (or not treated you), and given the circumstances, who could blame you?
You tried to talk to him, tried to get him to work on your relationship, he kept putting you off. In spite of that, you hung in, were good to him. Now that he finally realizes, the "child" in you wants him to know that you are MAD that it took him so long, that he ignored you.
Now here's the question. Can you move past that to the adult in you? Once you do, will he continue to work on what you call "Us", or when things settle down, will old patterns repeat?
When this happened to me in my marriage, I just focused on all of the reasons that I fell in love in the first place. Then, I tried to see myself old without him. I just couldn't do it. My anger melted slowly, and it was replaced by those older, more adult feelings of love. I told him of my anger, and he apologized. I told him of my fears, and he promised to try not to let that happen.
What more can a person ask? Counseling is always a good option, too.
2006-06-12 13:21:32 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
i am so hearing you. there is nothing wrong with you you sound lovely. sometimes when things are to rough for to long it's as though you loose something, thus is the i don't care thing you feel. from were i am sitting it sounds like emotionally he left you and from experience i am understanding your hurt. now he has realised and has come back but for you it has left scares and doubt.just tell him from your heart were you are at that you want to forgive him and you want what you had before, but the pain and resentment is going take time to let go of.maybe you will fall in love with this man all over again and that would be great. and maybe your time is finished here.whatever decision you come to it cannot be rushed it all just takes time. for me it was an agonising decision and it took two years to finally let go i tryed so hard but in those years when i felt the way you are feeling now i lost that something and no matter how hard i tryed to regain it i never could.good luck
2006-06-12 20:25:52 · answer #2 · answered by DOLLYl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was once in a relationship where I was neglected for a while. I'm not a "needy" person, but I'd like a little attention now and then from the person I'm in a relationship with...there's nothing wrong with that - that's why you're dating the other person! I suggest that you two try to "start things over again". Make sure though that he knows how to treat you well before you give him your next 10 years, otherwise you can find someone who will! : )
2006-06-12 19:56:11 · answer #3 · answered by beauvoir_babe1865 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's simple.. you want him to feel as desolate as he made you feel, and until he can empathize with what he put you through, you are not going to be able to move forward. He will never know how you felt... men are just not mentally attuned to empathy of the nature that you are wanting. Accept that he has turned over a new leaf and just take it from there. YOU have to forgive and move on... if you can't, then end this now.. you will never make it work if the two of you aren't in the same place emotionally. Peace.
2006-06-12 20:00:00 · answer #4 · answered by julianna76301 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Click on my contact info and we can compare notes girl LOL. My husband goes thru phases where I swear he could careless about me. I've only been married about a year and half and we separated already for 3 monthes last year. He went from not caring what I did or anything to super jealous freak. Like theres no happy medium. We get along pretty good, but we fight sometimes too. Only advice I can give you is consider couple counseling to work out the issues between you. my man refuses to go, but I think it helps alot of couples! talk to you hubby adn tell him how you are feeling, maybe he can help you!
2006-06-12 20:40:31 · answer #5 · answered by ChrissyLicious 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is worth a try,, think about when you were so very in love with him and start doing the things for him now that you did then, even though you don't feel them now.
Lots of times when we take an action our feelings eventually change and come in line again.
Recreate the magic. Let go of what "has been" and work on what "will be" if you love him.
2006-06-12 19:55:41 · answer #6 · answered by yeller 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, it is not wrong or ugly hearted to want a man who listens to you. Give him a chance, don't be too bitchy, but let him know how much you missed him and why. If he is really interested in getting back to intimacy he will listen and if you soften him up with a few kisses, maybe bj, he'll apreciate much more than a rant. Make sure you demonstarte your love though. othewise it's just bitching and nobody likes hearing that. Megan
2006-06-12 20:13:48 · answer #7 · answered by Megan aka Elsie 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you are better off letting it go because you have become so used to the old him that you do not know how to become used to the new him. You have gotten comfortable with the old him and a part of you wants him to return to this "old ways" and that is not going to work. It was easier for you to ask for it and now ten years later what do you want now that you should have gotten years ago?
2006-06-12 19:58:10 · answer #8 · answered by proud of it 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
c'mon.....you asked for it, he was slow but u finally got what u wanted...now u don't want it?? let go of the past and live today....my brother passed away unexpectantly...life is sooo short...you have to forget about the times when u tried because u didnt leave then.....take it, be happy, be glad, maybe God needed to work on your boyfriend until he was ready, maybe your prayers were answered......love him back and be happy.....if u both try again you may ignite a fire that will never go out.......u have what many women want in your hands right now, dont stew over the past...live today,
2006-06-12 20:15:00 · answer #9 · answered by Sassy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can't really answer your question,but I went through the same situation.You're resenting him and all the pain and neglect he has put you through,and I think you're passive aggressivly doing the same to him.You need to TALK to him and let him know exactly what's going on in your head.If you don't he may not want to go through the same **** you did.
What you're doing is totally understandable,but it has to stop or else you'll start hating yourself too.
2006-06-12 20:00:36 · answer #10 · answered by kashious 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋