Help - married to a people pleaser?

Question

I found the question on People Pleasing very interested.
I am married to a people pleaser. I myself, have been guilty of this as well but my husband "beats the cake" so to speak.
I know it does have some advantages but with my dh. it has really affected our relationship because he puts others "needs before mine". People take advantage of his generosity and are always asking for help(help with moving, or getting him to drive them somewhere - it is ALWAYS something. Family are the worst.
I have been quite ill and we were at the drs. the other day and the dr.was going through my blood tests and dh said, "Don't you think we better go - there are people waiting!"
I know why dh is like this because he lost a friend (killed on road) when he was 12 - his friend asked him to come with him to watch his g/friend play netball and he said "no," and he made up some story and his friend got killed on the road - he felt guilty and had a breakdown.
He is ok now but still feels guilty. any ideas?

Answer 1

Communication, Communication, Communication. People pleasers tend to focus on many people and/or events at one time, so often direct communication with them tends to be almost impossible. Mainly this is because they are constantly in environments where someone else may need assistance.

Here is my idea for you - for better or worse. Take a vacation, immediately. And, it needs to be an isolated vacation, such as camping or a remote lodge on some lake - somewhere that is both relaxing and secluded. This will afford you ample time to actually sit and have a conversation about your relationship, and it will tend to force his focus on you. This way you can explain to him the difficulties you are having with his behavior, and give him enough time to let it sink in without outside or environmental distractions.

When you get back from your vacation, start couples therapy (and a good therapist will probably ask your husband to see them privately as well to work on "his" issues) Keep up the lines of communication and do your best to keep him focused on immediate family, his home, himself and ofcourse, you.

Hope that helped.

Answer 2

Talk to your husband. Let him know that helping others is fine, but his needs, your needs, and your health should be more important than anyone else's. Explain to him how it makes you feel when he puts other people in front of you. Gently point it out to him when he does it (he may not even realize it). If he doesn't know it bothers you, he won't know to work on it. Maybe if he volunteered for a shelter or animal hospital he'd get some of it out of his system without jeopardizing your relationship.

Answer 3

Love him where he is at and see if he is open to counseling and help. Support and love him through this and be what you need to be to and for him through this. He needs to learn to please himself and learn how to say no at times. This will make him stronger and have a better self esteem about himself. I hope he can heal and get past the pain of the breakdown and you should do fun and uplifting things with him to help him keep his chin up! I am here if you ever need to talk.

Answer 4

Sounds like he's trying to 'make up' to others because of the guilt from his childhood friend's accident (if that made sense).
I think a bit of counseling would help, really.
IF HE STILL FEELS GUILTY, HE'S NOT OK!!!

Answer 5

Therapy. He needs to get help for his friend guilt. Then maybe he can move on. Have you tried telling him how much he's hurting you and how insensitive he's acting?

Answer 6

hmmm

Answer 7

no ideas