How do I learn to become independant when I've got such a bad role model?

Question

I'm 18 and am slowly realizing just how unprepared I am for the real world.My mother has always been very dependant on her parents and then my dad and I'd never,ever want to end up like her but unfortunately don't know any better.It's like everyone else my age knows how the world works and I feel so incredibly ignorant.I don't want to grow up and have to depend on a man like she does because I think it's pathetic and she's setting a terrible example for me.How do I learn about the world when I've got no one to teach me?Pleas help

I'm terrified to end up like her.I'm at University on my second year and feel like I'm learning everything but the things I need to know to make it in the world.I don't want to have to rely on a guy my whole life.

Answer 1

Well I think that the first step in growing up is realizing, as you just did, that there are good role models and not-so-good role models. I think you are off to a great start! Knowing that what she has done is not something you want in your life is a great start. My suggestions are these:

1. Perhaps you could find a Big Sister in your area. There is a program that has older women helping younger women that need role models in their lives.

2. Choose what things your mother does that you don't want to follow in your life - and make a list of those things. Just be sure to follow that list when making certain decisions - might help!

3. Set goals for yourself - career, family, education. Then do whatever it takes to achieve those goals ON YOUR OWN so that you are completely independent.

4. Remember that needing help from family is not always bad, if it's a necessity. That's what families are for. But do what you can on your own and it will give you a great sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. Your family will always be there for you in emergencies.

Good luck - it sounds like you're off to a great start already!

Answer 2

Ask your dad for help. Just b/c you are female is no reason to think you can only pattern your future and all your actions after your mom. She came from a different era than you. You are a modern young woman. So talk to your dad. Tell him that while you love and respect your mother for who she is and how well she has raised you and been a wife to him, that your life is likely to follow a different path from hers. Therefore you will need to know how to do the things that he currently does for your family like pay the bills, make a budget and stick to it, get the cars serviced, handle the finances, pay the taxes, go to work, balance the checking accounts, etc.

You may end up living on your own for a while before getting married, so you will need to, essentially, "apprentice" yourself to your father to learn what have been the masculine duties in your household. You should have already been doing this, but since you are only 18, it is certainly not too late.

Also, if there is a community college near you, every such college offers a course in what amounts to Home economics: how to balance a checkbook, make and stick to a budget, pay bills, the skills necessary for living independently. You could go on-line and see what is offered in your area.

Stop blaming your mother for being what she is. You are an intelligent young woman in 2006 and there is nothing holding you back from becoming or doing whatever you set your mind to.

Answer 3

Coming to these observations on your own shows some fairly impressive abilities....And, it seems to me that you have a fairly solid idea what you would like for your life...Being independent is not always the easiest path in life that's why so many settle on dependantcies (much easier but far less rewarding)--And what you are describing as ignorance about the world on your part is actually nothing more than you realizing that there is far more to the total picture than you know or understand right now---darlin --that is not ignorance--it is an awareness that you have things to learn---A VERY GOOD THING---don't have a clue what you think you need to know or how someone could help on any of that unless may be you're needing someone to run some of it by from time to time for input---if that's the case and you care to--you can always call on me--I ain't the guru of all knowledge but I have been around and will always talk straight stuff with no games attached-- click me up and run it by me--I'll do what I can to help fill in the gaps where I can----Meantime--Peace to You--you're gonna be just fine----------

Answer 4

You are very intelligent and on the right road just by looking at your mom and realizing that is not what you want. Good for you! Look for a good role model, maybe a friends mom, or a neighbor, or someone at church.

They are out there, believe me. I was in the same position you are in at the same age. My role models were friends moms who worked outside the home and very independant, educated people.

Read some good books, take some psychology classes. Go to the library and see the section on Women Studies, you may find some books on empowerment and self-esteem building.

Get an education, follow a good career path, be self-sufficient and then you won't be dependant on a man. Even if you decide to get married, don't stay home and depend on his income for very long if you have children. When we give our power to another, that usually sets us up to be abused or used in some negative way.

Respect yourself, make sure others respect you too. I just know you will be fine, you are off to a good start by seeing the truth in your mother's situation. I just hope other young women get the same message.

A man does not make you happy, you make yourself happy.

Answer 5

Well there are somethings you need to learn before trying to do it on your own, A women should allways have a stash of money, Always! If you don't that's the most important thing to focus on. Get a job, a checking account, go to to school. Start being responsible and everything should fall into place. Not having a good role model will make you stronger. The best advice I can give you is... Learn from your Mistakes! Don't believe everything people say, think about what they say & make your own decisions. By the age 25 you should have your head on straight.

Answer 6

the great thing about being 18 is that you're old enough and smart enough to not need a teacher. its understandable that you're scared and even a little confused about how the real world works, but it sounds like you're determined to figure it out. You don't need a role model, you can take the example that has been set for you as a 'this is what could happen', or worse case scenario.
You can't honestly have expected to turn 18, and suddenly the world is figured out for you. its almost a life-long lesson, and you learn as you go. don't think that you're behind just because you think of your mother as a less-than-adequate example, take what you know and expand, learn, and move forward.

Answer 7

N oone your age knows how the world works. You actually have an advatcge becasue you don't have the sttitude that you know all. Have some confidence and tell yourself that you will not end up like your mom. You seem like a bright kid and I think you should give yourself a little credit. If you are smart enough to even wonder this question, then you will be ok.

Answer 8

Well first, get a different role model or person you look up to. You could try one of your friends or their mother. I hope everything works out for you. And you might think you learn things from your mom or whoever you look up to but you really learn them as you go out into the real world and have to work for a living and what not.

Answer 9

There is a lot of good reading material dedicated to the subject. Go to any book store and there are lots of book dedicated to becoming a healthy woman, without dependencies.

In addition, find another woman, whom you admire. When I was a teenager I had a friend with similiar problems.

Her mom, really had issues, so my friend was kind of silly. especially when it came to me/relationships. But her mom let her daughters, 22 year old boyfriend, move in with them when her daughter was 15.

I used to tell her straight up, when she was doing stupid stuff. i would ask her what the "logic" was for what she was doing. because my mother taught me , Always question...

She developed a rather close relationship with my mom. Because she admired her, and thought that I was pretty smart and independent. My mom treated her like one of her own daughters and it really helped her. Although she got a lot of "common sense" injected later in her life it was better than not at all.

Answer 10

people your age just think they have the world figured out. We all make choices, so make choices that encourage growth, at a level you can handle. For most your age, that means college. After a couple of years of college, move out of the dorms, or out of your parent's house, and get your own place. Figure out what you want to do (career, kids, marriage, whtever) and make decsions that help you achieve those goals (birth control, education, bank savings, etc...) and get a job. Even if you are in college, you can work a couple days a week, in fact people who work while in college get better grades than those who don't. They learn how to manage time more effectively, and are much more marketable after graduation, less of a chance of having to move back home. And one more thing...change your handle. It screams 'take care of me'