I moved to the UK 4 years ago to study and met my husband soon after. He is a quirky loner who has worked in his mom's oppressive, closet-sized shop for 23 years.
We married last year b/c my funding ran out and I needed to find work. I only found a part-time job; I'm barely surviving.
I've now finished my Ph.D. We decided to move to the USA, as we've found him a good job, and we can live with my parents while I find a job.
But he is horrible about my situation NOW. I used to pay him £200 a month (rent), but now I can't. He throws it in my face that I don't pay him anymore (I pay all my own bils and expenses). He says that we got married for no reason, since I didn't find work. He says I don't appreciate the roof over my head. It HURTS!!
Yet he is excited to move to the states with me, to start over. He's always sorry and blames his mom for all the things he says. Do I stick it out til Sept. when we move? Or leave him behind, g on my own? It will be a HUGE step either way.
2006-06-12 04:26:31 · 13 answers · asked by Clarissa H 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It sounds very much like your husband has not had a chance to become a mature adult.
That being said, we all know how mother-in-laws can be the bane of every marriage's existance. And, it's my opinion that women, more so than men, are far better at rebuffing their parent's overbearing protectiveness. The problem with us men, is that often times we have a hard time disagreeing with our mothers, especially if they somewhat "type A" personalities. It seems that your husband is suffering from the same problems, and has been held too tight to his mother, not allowing him to breathe and grow in the world. But, therein lies the problem, the two of them have clearly been inseparable for many years, and I'm sure you could understand how his mother could be so overbearing about this, you want to take her baby boy half way across the world.
I would have to imagine, that as difficult as times seem now, your husband is very much caught between a rock and hard place, with the two women that mean the most to him in his life, and a choice before him that will inevitably separate him from one of them.
That being said, it would be my suggestion that you have a discussion with your husband about the future, making sure that you directly tell him (cause men don't get hints ---- EVER and if you forget the entire rest of this, fine - don't forget that!) what you expect from him, and from your marriage. I would then come back to the states early (after all it's only 4 months - and 4 months never killed a solid marriage) and get yourself set up, find a job, get a place to live when you can, and, when your husband is ready, which I think he will be, and misses you, which I think he will, he will come to the U.S. and you can show him that marriage isn't about money - you are giving him a place to live even though he doesn't have a job, and that's because he's your husband.
Just my thoughts. Good luck with your journey
2006-06-12 05:02:12 · answer #1 · answered by Blazefighter 1 · 6⤊ 1⤋
Leave him behind. You were doing school. Doesn't he realize that PhD will earn big bucks later? If he cannot share money with you, why do you think he would later? He knows its hard on you right now, and its only a few months before the move. I say seperate and go home without him. You can decide later if you want to divorce, but right now he's just being awful. Like you said, you married because your funding ran out. Not because you were both crazy over each other. It was about money, and he seems to be way too stuck on money still. Consider yourself lucky that he did this now instead of later. Consider it a big wake-up call and get while the gettings good.
The biggest identifier to me is that he blames his Mom. He is a grown man that doesn't take responsibility for his own actions. If you move to the states, who will be his newest target to blame? You? Your parents? His mom still? Sounds like he still has some growing up to do.
2006-06-12 04:38:32 · answer #2 · answered by Velken 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My advice to you is to leave him behind. You just got your PH. D and you've already been paying your own bills so it's not like you depend on him. You'll be in the states with your parents and making your own money. You don't want to hear this from him for the rest of your life. Look at what you've accomplished. You deserve happiness with someone that is going to support you not put you down. Don't allow that to happen to yourself. Let him stay with his mom and let her handle his issues since he can't grow up and stop blaming her for everything. You deserve so much better and I'm sorry your going through such a tough time. Move on to better things and leave the bad ones behind you.
2006-06-12 05:02:44 · answer #3 · answered by babieshay27 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Blames his Mother for thr things hesays ? Who will he blame when she's not around - You ? His Mother may just be a prying budzinsky..As long as your'e married to him you'll have to contend with the 2 of them !
Get the h..ll out of this joke of a marriage ( find True Happiness) and when and if you do leave him..Tell him to go cry on his Mommy's shoulder and blame you.
2006-06-12 04:48:21 · answer #4 · answered by MoMoney 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hate to hear that you are going through such bad times..Every relationship is different for example in my relationship both my husband and I work...I put my check in our checking account, but my husband pays for everything...It must be really bad someone telling you all that stuff...I don't think it's okay that he gets mad over that, because what if he made less money than you..Would you throw that in his face? A marriage is supposed to be about working together and helping each other out...Tell him how you feel, and if things get worse, honey it ain't worthit...good luck!!
2006-06-12 04:34:03 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It doesn't sound like you got married for the right reasons. YOU said you got married because your funding ran out, not that you loved him. You said "HE"
said, you got married for "no" reason. YOU pretty much have answered your own question.
As for how he talks, it is coming out of his mouth, not his mother's. He is blaming everyone else for things, not himself.
Think long and hard, but I still think you already know the right answer.
2006-06-12 04:40:06 · answer #6 · answered by oddbutterfly1 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sooo sorry, it is easier to say than to do, but if I were you I would leave him behind, as time goes by you will only grow to despise him and will eventually leave him anyway...He sounds far too selfish to live with. Good Luck to You!!!
2006-06-12 04:32:27 · answer #7 · answered by clbinmo 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No one knows that answer better than you who are living it.
But I would be concerned about his attitude. Sounds like you are his meal ticket to get him into the states. Since your mom is willing to put you up, I'd say it's her you need to ask.
But I'd strongly consider coming home minus him.
2006-06-12 04:47:16 · answer #8 · answered by iyamacog 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think once you get out of that situation things can be worked on and make sure once you get back to the states you both talk about things and make sure you compromise everything together
2006-06-12 04:33:12 · answer #9 · answered by mimismom 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you love your husband? Does he truly love you? I think you ought to consider that. He sounds very selfish, and it sounds like he's using you. I would leave him behind, but you really have to figure out whats best for you.
2006-06-12 04:35:42 · answer #10 · answered by Angel 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋