He is a hardworker, the father of my child and we were married 7 years until over a year ago I left him. He's been trying to reconcile a few times since then and it just seems that I can't trust him, even when he tells me how much he loves me and does everything to try to show it. But I feel that however nice he treats me when we spend small bits of time together that if I came back, issues would come up and my daughter would have to witness more agression. He has issues of abuse and alcoholic tendencies from his youth. So I'm confused, I haven't been able to maintain a relationship with anyone else either so this increases his pressure to resume our marriage. Any experiences?
2006-06-12 04:25:11 · 15 answers · asked by Mariah 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Several keywords of note:
Trust. It is the foundation of any relationship. Without it, any semblance of a somewhat healthy relationship is not possible. Of course, there are two issues at work here - is he able to earn trust and are you able to give it? He may be trying to be trustworthy or not. You may be able to trust, or not - based on your own history with him and other relationships with men in your life.
Anger, control - two of the 'accepted' ways men are allowed to express themselves. Especially if they have histories of unresolved anger from other parts of their life. Sad, depression, fear, pain - these are all still very difficult emotions for men to allow themselves to have, both with societal pressure as well as upbringing. These need to be addressed and more appropriate (and healthy) modes of being in touch with his emotions and expressing them. You cannot do this or even tell him that he needs to do it. He needs to find that realization and understanding for himself. This means therapy, by definition.
Haven't been able to maintain a relationship - is being a single mother that scary? I know all about being single and lonely. I also know about being in a relationship and lenely. Having a relationship only masks the inner emotional self - for a bit. Then it comes back with all of the inner problems that will resurface as problems in my relationship. When I am trying to escape my own hurt or lonliness inside of me with a relationship, I am willing to take abuse (emotional, verbal, mental) to keep the relationship instead of protecting myself and making sure that I am not being abused.
In short, it would take dedication from both of you in joint therapy to make it work. If the things that seperated you in the first place are not addressed boldly and with resolution, it will happen again.
Now you get to decide if the relationship with him is worth the work.
2006-06-12 04:48:45 · answer #1 · answered by DW 2 · 9⤊ 4⤋
anger should be let out. abuse on the other hand is just that, abuse and can't see it benefiting anyone.
Drinking booze can be a great way to forget about problems but there is such a thing as too much. I would get him to stay away from extremes and anger a little, abuse i don't know maybe a punching bag a little and drink a little. He won't quit completely but may choose to not do it all the time.
2006-06-12 04:32:29 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i was a man very similar to what you describe
some of same issues from childhood plus
suffered pts and had mother issues which i kept hidden
i have had a good marriage for 25 yrs.
last 5 or so i did not accept or know what was
happening to me talked to a lot of good friends
all told me to seek help but i was in denial so bad
i could not see it finally i got overly intoxicated and
blew up almost to point of suicide
was court ordered to finally seek help i needed
plus i was more than willing as i was afraid i
would destroy everything that made life worthwhile
my wife gave me that second chance but only
with the understanding that i wanted to do the
self work to improve my own life---now after almost
seven months of AA drug therapy and psych.
counseling am i finally starting to get better
this does not just happen nor is it just that easy
please choose with the utmost of care especially
for your child's sake our child was already an
adult and out of our home with family of his own
he never had to witness such displays these are
with out a doubt damaging to children and will haunt
a child far into adulthood
2006-06-12 04:47:09 · answer #3 · answered by oddbs2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i can only tell you what i have witnessed from my sister, people with issues of abuse and alcholich tendencies will never change unless thye get help if if they are not abusing anything now he needs help for whatever happened to him in the past, and until he does that he will not be the ideal father or husband, since he is trying to get you back so badly tell him to go get help and if he does and can prove himself to you then you will have something to work with and think about. Good luck
2006-06-12 04:36:01 · answer #4 · answered by mimismom 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no real experiences myself but have heard stories and none of them have been good, why would you even want to try and put you and your daughter back into a situation where that could happen again, there are much better men out there that will treat you with the respect that you need and deserve. I do however wish you the best of luck
2006-06-12 04:30:36 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he is violent and isn't getting any professional help, It's best to keep some distance.. If you cannot trust him or feel safe, then follow your intuition and keep on seeing him just for "small bits of times" be careful not to put you or your daughter in the same situation again.
2006-06-12 04:34:21 · answer #6 · answered by Celebriel 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no u should go back to him, if he is doing counselling and working on his temper then yea, but for now just be friends some men are able to pretending and say they are sorry but as soon as they are angry everything starts all over again. My father used to hit my mother she took him back a few times but they were better apart than together
2006-06-12 05:07:17 · answer #7 · answered by ice solid 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes of course as long as he goes to anger management classes and gets the help and counseling that he needs to start to change. If he is truley sorry and remorseful and wants to change he can. You also need help and counseling for this as well. Do not resume your marriage however until over time he proves to you he has changed!
2006-06-12 05:18:59 · answer #8 · answered by Lady Hewitt 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well if he is violent, go to some where else, becuase some day when he gets drunk may br he is gonna try to go to our house and do something bad, so take to your doughter and leave. Look i am a man and i dont think that a woman have to be with someone agresive, just be caregul.
2006-06-12 04:30:01 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you got a lot of good answers so all the situation in your hands right now, not have more to say after all those nice people told u already, wish u good luck.
2006-06-12 14:16:43 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
a violent man can never change your putting you life and your daughter life in danger, just leave him alone it not good for your daughter to see his father violent side,
2006-06-12 04:35:12 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋